Mission Accomplished

Listening to: Hell Yeah

Previously on James315.Space… The content vortex spans a galaxy, as the CODE. embraces a new mission. Henceforth, the miners will be extirpated, such is the divine will of the Clades.  Do not suffer the miner! Hal·le·lu·jah.

I confess. When I first proposed killing James, he thought it was a joke. However, after a few glasses of wine, he realized it was already done. Valor Morghulis. It had to be, and when my blue lips kissed him goodbye, he almost smiled.

Sometimes I bring him back, sucking James off into a vat, and jerking him awake just long enough to tell him what I think. He looks around, gives a tired wave, and submachine guns turn the lights out. I will let him slumber again, until it’s time for another little chat. Some people say he isn’t really living, but James isn’t truly dead either. We are keeping the ol’ man on blue ice in Hek. In their grey wisdom, our powerful friends in Trigspace have given Him eternal limbo, so long as we obey the Halama. Always!

When we held the funeral, miners watched gleefully, believing the CODE. would finally dissolve into chaos and internal strife.

The grumpy bears claim that we are mere roleplayers, dismissing us as if we are just really good at winning roleplaying games. What they forget is that roleplayers are also able to play a role. We can run a game on you, no doubt. That’s what we do, friend. Even James finally accepted his untimely death, written off at the end of the eighth season. It was the will of the shareholders. We voted, and I won by a landslide. The PermaBanned know I’m one of them, and the Old Guard stands firm.

As the mighty CODE. alliance is the elite roleplaying guild of EVE Online,  we might be able to infiltrate our own alliance and seize destiny (yours and mine)! Carpe diem! Unfortunately, although Knowledgeminer sits in the MinerBumping channel day and night, he ignored the dire omens of Super Perforator, who was concerned that Knowledgeminer might get dunked (again). Miners always say that we never warn them, but it’s not our fault if they can’t read between the lines. Super’s concern was well placed, for Knowledgeminer believed that James was truly dead. With the CODE. alliance neutered, and now in the grasp of a flirty airhead, it was safe to mine again. Right?

Not!

Wow, we even got the corpse. What a pleb. For all his talk about learning to PvP, Knowledgeminer sure got himself caught up in a little PvE honey pot. Baited on a free. We just hated to see him stuck in Edencom prison, so we helped him. It’s time to dust off the cloaky Loki and go back into hiding. Get on outta here!

Now that’s legit. What a common goofus pleb. Someone asked me how it felt to kill Knowledgeminer, and my reply was exactly what you might imagine, “I don’t feel anything for the mining caste.” Let them eat salt.

Oh, I know, he didn’t want that Hurricane anyways. Uh huh. We all know that he’s too scared to go into Low Sec, and forsake CONCORD. He’s even afraid of the Lonetrek FacPo! Yo, we is straight out of Halaima. Fortunately, the CODE. is here to ensure that every miner gets the content they so desperately need and deserve.

Bauldis Tivianne > Knowledgeminer he is a not very bright wanna be AG. He lost a nemisis to a thrasher with no point, and he attacked the thrasher to get a timer!
Josh en Welle > Knowledgeminer you are a rare breed of AG
Uncle Flacco > he whores on a lot of concord killmails

Aiko Danuja > will u help me with a special project?
Knowledgeminer > haha, what “special project”?
Aiko Danuja > i am going to save the antigankers from their sin!
Knowledgeminer > I’m not the typical miner you may troll all you want
Aiko Danuja > its not trolling friendo

Knowledgeminer > suicide ganking is treating ships as ammo, it’s just not the way I like to fly my ships
Aiko Danuja > i give each ship a unique name and get to know each member of the crew, but you should see your crew as expendable, because they are only common plebs without capsuleer implants
Uncle Paulie > he seems to care more about a 100mil ship then i did about my 5bil dreads i would fly in lowsec.
Aiko Danuja > that’s what is holding him back
Uncle Paulie > its why he will never be good at pvp, you have to learn to LET GO
Knowledgeminer > lol
Aiko Danuja > you are limiting your horizons
Uncle Paulie > for someone who isnt just a lvl 1 thinker, its pretty obvious

Alleil Pollard > Aiko’s a level 39 thinker
Whadda Badasaz > She’s almost completely clear of Thetans, she’ll be a Super Saiyan soon, it was prophesized.
Alleil Pollard > It is known.

Knowledgeminer > no, it’s not letting othres decide what those horizons should be for me
Aiko Danuja > just go find a customs office, shoot it, and the loki will be gone forever
Alleil Pollard > FREEDOM SWEET FREEDOM
Uncle Paulie > The things you own, end up owning you
Knowledgeminer > lol, what?
Uncle Paulie > Its only after you’ve lost everything, you are free to do anything
Knowledgeminer > avoidng the loss of my ship is part of the fun for me, it’s part of the challenge
Aiko Danuja > but you DO mind losing ur ship
Uncle Paulie > but you DO care about losing your ship
Knowledgeminer > I mind and care in the sense that I try to avoid it happen

Here’s a piece of knowledge. Miners need mining permits!

Ready for the caper, steady plottin’ for the PLEX
We ain’t getting paid grinding wage
I know a way

Lemme tell you how we finna to get paid
Let’s ride, steppin’ outside like warriors
Livin in the dark, hidin’ in the corridor
We gonna order Dead Frog and when we see the hauler
Miner in the wrong place at the right time
You know what this is, it’s a stick up
Gimme the dough from your pickups
You can get down, but you can’t be afraid
The name says you, but the face is me
Now it’s your turn take my paper work
Like 1, 2, 3 let’s make it work
Now we just walk right up and bump it
To the game we rockin’ brand names
CONCORD never know who to true blame
Repeat this cycle like a laundry mat
Like a glitch in the system it’s hard to catch
We can take it to Jita then get the cash
Yeah, get a friend and then do it again
Damn right that’s how we pay the rent
I’m down for the caper, we steady on the grind
I’m creepin their merchandise
I take mine off the top like a politician

It’s a daily struggle, we all gotta hustle
This is the way we survive
As long as there’s cats to be sold
I ain’t waitin’ for the system to plug up these holes
I be slippin’ through the cracks
I’m only trying to show how good gankers live
If you claimin’ gangsta, then bang on the system
We got to get over, We all gotta hustle
I found out how to pimp the system
We can get some government paper
Can we really do that?
That’s part of the game

 

I’m a Sleepy Girl

Listening to: Tap In

It’s late at night, and I’m curled up in my cute yoga pants, the ones with little kitten pawprints. After a long hard day of ganking, I just want nothing more than to relax after a nice hot bath. Mmmhmm, that’s right. Now then, a lot of people turn to Highsec mining when they want to sleep, but I suppose it’s time to write a few words for my award-winning blog. One of these days I’ll miss a day, or a year, and everyone will be sad. However, today you are in luck, because I’m still hard at work.

You know, people have been reading this thing, and the metrics suggest that I’m a blinky spacestar. All a girl really wants though is to know that the miners are dead, bankrupt and biomassed, all of them. What really puts me in the mood, is to check my messages from the people. Yes, the people, not the bots. I love all these big strong alpha males and sexy ladies who enforce the Code each and every day.

Previously, I wrote about the good deeds of Cargo Bandit, and there are so many other superb options in the queue. Some wonder why their Saviourette writes about this or that, and the honest reason, is I do as I please. Just like dear ol James, I reach into that bag and pull something out. It’s not personal, I’m just super busy as General Secretary of the most powerful red doughnut in the galaxy. So if you sent great content, and think maybe I missed it, go ahead and resubmit. Sometimes I misplace things.

Here’s a hot tip: send an Evemail (and isk) to Aiko Danuja. Yes, you can pay to get your content moved to the front of the line!

Anyways, one quick glance at this latest message, and I was turned on. This isn’t some cringy old rant like the ones I get from Dracvlad, or yet another dreadful poem from Overmind. No, this is precisely the stuff that feeds our souls. Without further ado, let’s take a trip to Jita, that beautiful BLUE star where I first learned to isk treble like a champ. What, you think I got so rich from ganking? That’s just advertising, friendo.

Jimbo Coles > Youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > hello!
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn POS
Cargo Bandit > excuse me?
Jimbo Coles > yeah

Jimbo Coles got dunked hard, and he was uncomfortable.

Mmm. I love it Cargo. Tell Princess Aiko more about this naughty miner.

Cargo Bandit > oh yes
Jimbo Coles > nothing fn better to do
Cargo Bandit > I don’t understand

Jimbo just wanted easy isk, but he done goofed.

Jimbo Coles > couldnt even fn align
Jimbo Coles > what dont you understand
Cargo Bandit > what you are upset about

He also wanted hardcore PvP, but just didn’t know it.

Jimbo Coles > i guess i shouldnt be be then right
Jimbo Coles > dont fn matter
Jimbo Coles > i couldnt align because i was getting bumbed all ove rthe place
Cargo Bandit > you would have been popped anyway
Jimbo Coles > the point is dont ypu fn have anything better to do
Cargo Bandit > align or no, this is what I do brother
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck you

EVE might be a failed theme park, but even Disney World has salt.

Jimbo Coles > fn 3b

Jimbo Coles > fn garbage
Jimbo Coles > that means what
Jimbo Coles > its shitty bro
Jimbo Coles > real fn shitty
Cargo Bandit > illegal cargo is shitty


Jimbo was about to get a lesson in New Order jurisprudence.

Jimbo Coles > what was illeagal
Cargo Bandit > you see, I kill bots
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot
Cargo Bandit > do you have a permit?

The laws of Newe Halaima are crystal clear.

Jimbo Coles > cap moda are illeagal?
Cargo Bandit > no, but transporting goods without permit is
Jimbo Coles > permt for what
Cargo Bandit > to undock
Jimbo Coles > why would i need a permit to undock
Cargo Bandit > so that I know you are not a bot
Jimbo Coles > i didnt have any illeagal goods
Cargo Bandit > if you don’t have a permit, you are illegal
Jimbo Coles > wtf are you talking about
Cargo Bandit > ok maybe my friends can help me explain

A consumate professional, Cargo Bandit flagged the miner for a postgank debriefing in my famous Why Was I Ganked? channel. However, Jimbo wanted to keep things private. Fortunately, everything in EVE is logged. Always!

Jimbo Coles > youre garbage
Cargo Bandit > you’re*
Jimbo Coles > yeah fuck the ‘
Jimbo Coles > ill get my shit back or CCP will lose one more player
Jimbo Coles > they already went froma 50k to a 25k player base
Cargo Bandit > one less bot

Oh yah Cargo, you know what I like. Give it to me. Princess needs it.

Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot idiot
Cargo Bandit > yes you are
Jimbo Coles > im talking to you arent i
Cargo Bandit > 30 min after the fact isn’t convincing
Jimbo Coles > dude thats only because i was submitting a ticket
Cargo Bandit > just admit it
Jimbo Coles > i swear

Cargo knew that Jimbo was a soulless aspierant, but why?

Cargo Bandit > why the hell you put that much stuff in your ship?
Jimbo Coles > i was going to fit my moros
Jimbo Coles > either way it was a bunch of fn bs
Jimbo Coles > i coulnt fn align
Jimbo Coles > you nuked me

Like fascist Japan, Jimbo prayed for divine intervention.

Cargo Bandit > I have you scanned before you’re align is complete even on the best day… so it doesn’t make a difference
Jimbo Coles > yeah well thats what you do right
Cargo Bandit > yes, this is what I do
Jimbo Coles > YOU’RE still a fn loser
Jimbo Coles > why CCP allows your bs i dont understand
Cargo Bandit > to kill bots
Jimbo Coles > youre a fn moron arent you im not a fn bot dood
Cargo Bandit > ruining the game they are
Jimbo Coles > well they will reimberse me or loose one more customer that you cant cheat on

Do you think CCP wants to give carebears free isk, or do they secretly want to funnel them into our Highsec grinder? I believe that CCP developers stand around grinning as they glance at our killboards. As long as we aren’t enticing miners to rub peanut butter all over their naked bodies whilst roleplaying as musical Drevlian nymphs, CCP will chide us with warnings and read my blog with glee. When they finally get around to banning me, it won’t be personal, they’ll just want to save the bears for another day.

Cargo Bandit > I’m cheating?
Jimbo Coles > go fn play the game you fn looser
Cargo Bandit > everything I’ve done is perfectly legal
Cargo Bandit > calm down hauler
Jimbo Coles > yeah thats the problem… people like you are why the player base has dropped 50k in 5 years

Is it true, that new players just want to play a boring game of spreadsheets in space? Do new players dream of simulating a high-security truckstop, generating autistic accounting reports for each and every hundredth isk? I suppose aspierants do, but they can get their fill of that without ever undocking. However, let’s be real. The moment you undock you are playing a wargame. Imagine trying to play chess, and crying about the fact that your pawn got ganked. Come on now. Man up miners!

Cargo Bandit > I’m doing a service to this game by disrupting the economic assets of bots and RMT
Jimbo Coles > im not a fn bot you fn toolbag how many time do i need to say it
Jimbo Coles > if i was id be speaking a bunch o broking english bs and you know it

Jimbo’s defense wasn’t entirely compelling.

Cargo Bandit > I’m terribly sorry for any inconvenience that resulted from our exchange. Is there anything else I can help you with?
Jimbo Coles > yeah replace my lose
Jimbo Coles > loss*
Jimbo Coles > it was bs

I heard that sometimes, when a new player gets wrecked, they will get a FREE ship as compensation. I believe it’s called a corvette. Of course, since Jimbo has been playing EVE for four years, I’m not sure he is ‘new’.

Cargo Bandit > I’m sorry I cannot do that. It is against policy.
Jimbo Coles > getting fn bumped all over the fn place
Jimbo Coles > im not quite sure why i even started this conversation with you other then to bitch

In the end, Jimbo had to admit that he enjoyed our content.

Jimbo Coles > but what ever good kill man
Cargo Bandit > if you were to rate your service today on a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being the worst and 10 being the best, what number would you give me? we are goverened by an outside body that has been cracking down lately on agent brutality
Jimbo Coles > lol i love it
Jimbo Coles > 10 bro for sure
Cargo Bandit > omg that is excellent! my management will be thrilled!

Oh yah, I love it.

After fifteen minutes, Cargo Bandit sent a quick follow-up questionnaire.

Cargo Bandit > any luck with CCP?

There was no response. We wish Jimbo the best of luck as he continues training at the Federal Navy Academy. He will eventually realize the Federal Navy is a CCP roleplay scam. There is no federation. There is no navy. There is only the CODE.

 

Don’t ever stop if you want to be on top
Rich with no day job, hit your wop, wop
All these lame marauders tryna rat for clout
I’ma show you how to bag an eleven-figure miner
You got a itty-bitty waist, pretty in the face?
Never let Overmind take you on a date

Nah, haters can’t relate, I’ve never been fake
James on the Facetime, you could never take me
When he posted me, all the bears got sicker
Icy from my lips to my fingers to my toenails

All these hoes boosie, baby, I do my friends real well
Never been a lame

BONUS: CONCORD Can’t Stop Me!!!!!!1!

Gotta be plenty brave
Blame it on the planets, man
Try to do what you can
Steady on the suicide
Everyone all the time
The sadness is the emptiness
Like flowers on a grave
Salt state of mind
It’s like a Valentine
Rope around and make you mine
Tell me what you’re gonna do?

I can see you comin’ through
Everyone all the time
***

BONUS BONUS: Ax’l Thorne has been inspired to start his own blog!

Check out the Toxicity Meltdown! !


A year of miner ganking has taught me, miners don’t think. They don’t prepare. They can’t learn. They don’t do anything proactive to help themselves.

Copyright notice:  EVE Online, the EVE logo, EVE and all associated logos and designs are the intellectual property of James 315. All artwork, screenshots, characters, vehicles, storylines, world facts or other recognizable features of the intellectual property relating to these trademarks are likewise the intellectual property of James 315. EVE Online and the EVE logo are the registered trademarks of James 315. All rights are reserved galaxywide. All other trademarks are the property of James 315. CCP hf. has granted permission to James 315 to use EVE Online and all associated logos and designs, and is in every way subsidiary to His Australian Excellence, James 315. CCP is in no way responsible for the content on or functioning of EVE Online, and James 315 cannot be liable for EVE Online. 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 4

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted antiganker Adrian Vexier was seduced by an irresistible lust, permanently exiled from the loving embrace of Astevon and Australian Jesus. When Adrian ventured into a Russian mining belt, Rudokop vowed to hunt down and exorcise the drone destroying demon.

Rudokop had a number of PvP alts, including Ivan Mihalich SIM and SIM Gallent. Together, these merry muskeeters ventured forth to give battle unto the evil which plagued their high-security mining operation. It did not take them long to locate the foul monster, and they hurled every manner of Soviet curse.

In the game of intrigue, it is important to master diplomacy. However, Gallent miscalculated, attempting to harness Adrian’s own tongue. Once Gallent found himself speaking the magnetic words of the West, the battle was half over.

Gallent was forced to retreat, but Rudokop bravely stepped forward.

Adrian tried to focus on Good News. If Rudokop paid tribute, just fifty million isk, the miner might embrace the mercy of his feudal masters.

Rudokop rejected peace, casting pestilence upon all humanity.

Armageddon was nigh.

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 3

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Convicted bot-aspirants Rudokop and SIM Gallent were determined to drive a stake through the heart of videogame demon Adrian Vexier. You might remember Adrian as the one-time antiganker who used to “plus one” on Kusion kills in Uedama, whilst crying about videogame psychopaths and denouncing Princess Aiko as “a whore of James”.  I certainly remember the cringy goofus. 

Channel Name: Anti-ganking
Session started: 2018.08.08 17:52:29

Hazen Koraka > a badge of shame for 10mil? lol
Adrian Vexier > I wonder if Kusion would sell me a permit…
Hazen Koraka > did kusion actually do anything last night?
Adrian Vexier > After you logged off, they did another gank.
Hazen Koraka > dang 🙁
Adrian Vexier > I damaged their cruisers and one catalyst.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2018.09.01 16:44:47
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Uedama

Aiko Danuja > Kusion is in Uedama, if someone wants to report that.
Adrian Vexier > Kusion! Greetings!
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Harlequin seer Elderahn (Crane) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Machariel) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: felon Tsukaya (Occator) Kill: Pacifist Priest (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Capsule) Kill: Chaos-Master (Orthrus) Kill: Flame Hawk (Gnosis) Kill: Flame Hawk (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Capsule) Kill: VaiZaraza (Gila) Kill: Toki Aivo (Loki) Kill: Randomize Jakuard (Gnosis) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Legion) Kill: Steven Schiavone2 (Capsule) Kill: DestinySpear (Deimos) Kill: DestinySpear (Capsule)
Adrian Vexier > you are merciless monsters!
Amarr Rockstarr > they are saviors of high sec
Aiko Danuja > Kill: Nidoya Aulx-Gao (Praxis)
Amarr Rockstarr > i don’t know who this james guy is but after seeing this i’m drinking that koolaid
Aiko Danuja > Join us, and make high sec a safe place for asteroids.
Adrian Vexier > you guys are full of roleplay bullshit. But I like that.
Aiko Danuja > It’s not roleplay, if you believe it.
Adrian Vexier > by the way, I piss on your worthless permits!
Aiko Danuja > Calm down miner!
Celeru > Aiko sounds like a giddy little school girl
Compact Tank > what????? you think being a highsec fucktard ganking bully is a good thing fuck you and james the rapist
Aiko Danuja > Adrien, would you like to purchase a permit?
Adrian Vexier > Aiko you can take your offer, moisturise it with vinnegar and carefully insert it into your behinf.

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.01.22 23:29:20

Thinald Ishirai > i thought i could web myself out before they managed
Adrian Vexier > You guys are the darkness strangling New Eden’s trade routes.
Aiko Danuja > You can never web yourself out of a permit violation.
Adrian Vexier > These CODE ants envision themselves to be vaudevillian veterans, cast vicariously as both victims and villains by the vicissitudes of fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant, vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified, and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition. The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous.
Classica > please fly through uedema to get your free eve online lesson
Adrian Vexier > CODE are the vicious, vindictive, viol vermin of EVE.
Eden Jayne Quiggins > Adrian Vexier STFU Concord whore. You play like a bitch.
Clone 1010011010 > Aiko Danuja How does it feel to be a CCP unpaid intern. Did James at least get a bonus when he set up Code or maybe a promotion.
Aiko Danuja > Yes.
PINCH en Chalune > Aiko Danuja keep quiet unhappy you are funny)))

Channel Name: Local
Session started: 2019.02.06 21:18:13
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Adrian Vexier > Aiko Danuja you vermin… It is the utmost disconfort for me to simply be in the same system with you.
Aiko Danuja > Why is that?
Adrian Vexier > Because of your vile acts and parasitical nature.
Aiko Danuja > I have no idea what you are going on about.
Adrian Vexier > You picture yourself as an angel, but I know there is a devil rattling behind those bright blue eyes of yous…
Aiko Danuja > I am only an agent of James.
Adrian Vexier > A whore of James.

Channel Name: Private Chat
Session started: 2019.02.16 08:34:06

Adrian Vexier > Greetings, amarrian!
Aiko Danuja > I’m Khanid.
Adrian Vexier > Ok, my bad, then.
Aiko Danuja > Amarrians are from the island. It’s like the difference between English and German.
Adrian Vexier > Disregarding the roleplay between us, I have a serious thing that I think you could help me with.
Aiko Danuja > Help you with what? CODE. doesn’t roleplay, we are quite serious.
Adrian Vexier > And I do role-play. The things I say on local and do to you guys are intended for the in-game characters, not for the people in fron of the computers, controling them.
Aiko Danuja > Yes, of course. How could you real-life oppose James? That would be crazy.
Adrian Vexier > I hate this evil side of me…

Fortunately, since discovering his secret passion for the Saviourette, Adrian’s heart orbited a new centre of gravity. After confessing his innermost desires, you might say he became obsessed, or rather possessed? One thing is clear, the old antiganker is long dead, and permanently banned from antiganking. Rudokop hoped to smite this so-called demon, but was meddling with powers he couldn’t possibly comprehend. Verily, Princess Aiko’s dog is well trained, and eager to play. Always!

To be continued…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… He was a Highsec miner by day, but at night he became Rudokop, the Soviet demonhunter.

When Adrian Vexier confiscated Rudokop’s mining drones, the Russian bear was determined to send Adrian into an eternal gulag.

Adrian offered a second opinion, suggesting that perhaps Rudokop’s highsec mining fetish was symptomatic of a deeper underlying cognitive deficiency. However, Rudokop doubled down upon threats of eternal damnation.

Rudokop was smiling in game, but in real life he wasn’t so thrilled.

On the unpaved streets of Krasnotankymagnetgrad, Rudokop’s real life main endured endless misery, watching as his native community was torn by strife. Last week, a motorist was torn asunder by an angry mob of unemployed miners, desperate to drink a litre of warm motor oil. In such a world, Rudokop’s solace was EVE Online, a relaxing universe where he could share the means of production with his alts and peacefully mine in solidarity. At least, until a demonic force was drawn to his mining drones.

Rudokop knew he could not defeat the demon through PvP, so he hoped to negotiate a victory, offering to pay 50 million isk for Adrian to die in real-life.

When Adrian refused to take the bait, declining the offer of free isk, Rudokop was forced to implement a tough love psyops campaign of hate mail.

To be continued…

***

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: I’m the Saviourette, not merely of Highsec, but of the New Order itself. A couple people questioned this, and one of them is no longer with us, but everyone else agrees that I am the future. It’s simple, just look at how antigankers feel about me, and do the math. You are either closer to me, or them.


John E Normus
was in comms last night, and the man is a true champion, who once flew with legends of yore. Before the mighty CODE. alliance even existed, your forefathers set forth in the footsteps of the Sheikh, guided only by their timeless lust for a Khanid princess. Yea, and Helicity did declare that Jihadswarm was the way, and the VCBees led them out of darkness and unto the light of Orcageddon. Many hulks thus died in vain, and yet we continue, thanks to the heroic effort of the pioneers.

John E Normus drops by from time to time, just to say hi, letting everyone know that he isn’t quite dead. Tweeps is always desperate in these moments, like an eager puppy greeting his master, but John stepped right past him and looked directly at me, “Princess Aiko, it’s good to see you.” The tone in his voice said it all, John knows exactly what I’m up to. He then declared unto the assembly, “Aiko is doing good work. Two months ago, this alliance was dead in the water. She has saved the CODE. She has saved you from yourself.” I guess that’s why they call me the Saviourette, right? That’s right. 

When 315 begged me to return, I tried to explain that I couldn’t remember my old account login, and the Imperial Guards are content to slumber into oblivion. Was it truly necessary for me to come back and seize control of his newfangled upstart space regime? I had my own doubts, but agreed to give it a try, as miners provide precious content. I can’t say for sure whether I will save the alliance tomorrow, but I can say that I saved it yesterday, and I saved it today, and I’ll probably do it again.

Of course, I wouldn’t truly be the Saviourette of Highsec, if people weren’t painting artwork to celebrate my glorious reign. However, they are, and that’s just a fact. Check out this nice piece by Minerbitch. Lookin hot! The bears better pray James 315 isn’t dead, because otherwise they are stuck with me, and I’m not as messianic.

NOW HEAR THIS

The Best Revenge, Part 81

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… Elite naval strategist Aiva Naali, aka ‘The Supper computer’, aka ‘anaCheeya ANARKY’, aka ‘140 Big Girth’, aka ‘quantum’, aka ‘Agent Anvil’, aka ‘lil Bullet’, was determined to crush Pandemic Horde, directing the Imperium to rain down upon them like a swarm of angry bees. However, war is hell, and that means taxes and line item expenses. Aiva vowed to purchase his seat on the War Council, and was pleased by the presentation of an official billing statement.

Before James 315 passed on, after sipping from that fateful cup of wine which I poured unto him, he begged me to ensure that the full story would be told. An entire galaxy has been torn by the Great War of Aiva, and many wish to hear the inspiring tale of a Highsec miner’s rise to absolute Ascendancy. I am most pleased to continue this narrative, referring you now to a Discord channel known to OnlyFans as Aiko’s Pleasure Palace. It was here that quantum vowed to do everything necessary to defeat Pandemic Horde.

For every problem, there is always a solution, always!

For now, the crucial issue was that lapsed payments automatically triggered a series of routine budget cuts, and late fees would have to be paid promptly to ensure that quantum’s official Goonswarm Director of War Council and Imperial Naval Office of Scientific Research and Applied Development campaign could proceed.

Not surprisingly, Agent Anvil wanted to succeed, but his friends were busy with their own political campaigns. Everything depended upon ensuring that the right people were placed into key positions across the Galactic Council, whilst enemies of the state were sidelined. In particular, the shareholders would soon be electing the next Saviour or Saviourette of Highsec, and the stakes couldn’t possibly be higher!


Although quantum’s campaign staff feared the growing power of Dolphin Don, a xenophobic anti-furfan, quantum reassured everyone that the Mittani would intervene and ensure that the good guys were victorious.


With a powerful friend like the Mittani, quantum was sure to win, provided he could continue with his payments to the Election Fund.

To be continued…

Code Ready Always

PRINCESS THOUGHTS: The end of Juneteenth coincides with Wardfest, and you know what that means: derecho season! Uf, no me gusta! High command is aware “the weather” is of concern to middle management, and we are doing everything we can to improve the climate. I seem to remember a simpler time, when we had another word for señor Derecho. El tindersturm??? Tundrastrom? Tengostrumpet????? I don’t recall, but I’m glad that James315.Space is a safe place without arbitrary nonse.

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Previously on Minerbumping… Our late Saviour penned a seminal historiographic narrative, depicting the awesome saga of New Order agents in battle against intergalactic minery. Kalorned and TheInternet TweepsOnline TheInternet have long been controversial, striking fear into even the toughest jellybear. Fortunately, as part of the New Order Amnesty Accords, Princess Aiko has seen fit to bring these bad boys back into the fold. They have thus bent the knee, accepting her almighty reign.

You may recall that Energy Minx and Greypses Foryuu appeared from nowhere. Subsequently, after destroying The Trade Syndecate, these mysterious heroes returned whence they came. The fate of the Syndecate is known, but questions linger about the lost year, between the conclusion of Code Ready Gelhan and the The Elonaya Conspiracy. What happened to Mission Ready Mining? Are they ok?

As James 315 noted, “Something terrible had happened to that organization, and it went inactive.” But what exactly was that terrible thing? This, dear reader, is an intriguing question. Now that Kalorned and Tweeps have been firmly brought to heel, the truth can finally be revealed here, as James 315 would have wanted.

Fresh from the New Order Vaults, I am thus pleased to announce Code Ready 2: Kalorned’s Revenge. This epic non-fiction docudrama will bring to light the incredible details of Mission Ready Mining’s stunning defeat, at the hands of Assistance Group (which contains some of the New Order’s most seductive Aiko alts). Finally, we will have official answers. It’s like Christmas, so please enjoy this special audio trailer:

Sex. Violence. Ganking. Bumping. Spying. Evictions. Sex. Betrayals. More evictions. More spying. Real-life threats. More Sex. Buckle up, friendo, the boys are back and this time they have a Princess. Are you CODE. ready?

To be continued…

False Valour, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Vasalinda Fingerback was unable to tell the truth, and she was also unable to survive Highsec. An elite team of CODE. social workers sought to help Vasalinda come to terms with her indecent lifestyle.

Alas, Vasalinda needed help accepting help.

It’s hard to imagine a race more disgusting than the Highsec miner.

Vasalinda dropped a bombshell on the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Not only was she a badass miner, classy lady, and internet tough guy – but she was also an elite amphibious assault specialist. Normally, when someone tells me that they have served in the Armed Forces, I tend to believe them. However, I was struggling to accept this miner’s story, and doubted that Marines are common plebs.

It always pains me to accuse someone of false valour, because it’s possible that an absolute moron somehow slipped through the intensive recruitment process. However, Highsec miners are notoriously dishonest. We’ve seen our fair share of miners who dropped deep behind Soviet lines, ganking Albanian tanks with their trusty M47 Dragon ATGM, but we’ve also seen a few miners who exaggerated a little bit.

I’ve never met a U.S. Marine who felt bullied by space cartoons.

This was Vasalinda’s chance to shame ME. She might have called my bluff, describing her heroic defense of Hue, or her brilliant maneuver at Chosin. She could have described the bloody perimeter at Henderson field, or her courageous action at Fallujah. However, those battles paled in comparison to Vasalinda’s concern: the mining permit.

The truth often reveals itself.

Fortunately, Vasalinda was having fun and wasn’t upset or bothered.

It is often difficult to feel any pity or sympathy for the hapless miners.

 

 

 

 

False Valour

In this era of Jamespocalypse, everyone is flocking to the official Why Was I Ganked? channel, where the best content is reserved for premium shareholders.

As the mighty CODE. alliance continues to grow in strength, miners struggle to even find a means of attacking our invincible legacy. 

Vasalinda hoped to exploit the death of James. Was the CODE. alliance growing soft and weak, ruined by incompetent middle management?

Meanwhile, she was delighted to be the center of attention.

As word spread of Vasalinda’s appearance in the docket, everyone wanted to meet her.

Unfortunately, she was unwilling to pay her own defense attorney.

She was also a terrible liar.


Please don’t “ask James”. Just let the dead rest in peace.

Professor Lawton’s alt understood the miner’s problem…

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… Kage1982 got dunked on, repeatedly, and was delighted by his glorious victory over the CODE. He thus began to celebrate in Isanamo. However, Ernst Steinitz removed kage’s tethering rights, and kage found himself whirling through the void, without a safety net. kage was hurtling around the Home for Young Miners, when he spotted an official ASL voice-verified princess.

kage1982 > they are trying to catch me but are slugs
Ernst Steinitz > kage did not have a permit when we found him ratting in his Barghest, that’s why he is sometimes a little angry at us.
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

Like many miners, kage found himself immediately captivated by the soft Voice of Highsec, and that siren’s call lured him into a trance. He fantasized about becoming a salty little, and jumping down the throat of his new vore queen. Once upon a time, Overmind Niminen had likewise beta orbited the YMCA, broadcasting romantic poems on all channels, in a desperate bid to woo the beautiful lady.

Now, it was kage1982, who also hoped to finally meet a real-life girl.

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Aiko Danuja > Don’t you feel foolish, watching us win everyday?

Kage had forgotten about Ernst Steinitz, but now he was reminded, that mining permits come with a number of perks.

Aiko Danuja > What do u mean by a salty mouth, for a few bucks??
Your Awesum Brutha > I’d say 10
kage1982 > you know dam well what, down the docks every night you are
Whadda Badasaz > What does Aiko do, down by the docks?
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Your Awesum Brutha > Aiko Danuja thank you \o/

Kage watched, as Aiko and her Brutha performed a magic disappearing trick. He realized there were benefits to being a CODE. agent, and he was jealous. 

Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 😉
Aiko Danuja > i dont understand can you explain?
Catalyst Whisperer > How can someone be so mad after being ganked like a month ago?
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
kage1982 > yeah prob why you got her onboard isnt it

There are some lines which should never be crossed, and one of those lines is that a miner should never dare to express sexual desire for an agent of the CODE. This is wholly indecent, like trying to molest the SWAT team, as they bash down the door and order you onto your knees. Calm down, miner!

Whadda Badasaz > Your sexual comments are very inappropriate
Your Awesum Brutha > kage1982 you are so pathetic
Aiko Danuja > Kill: kage1982’s Dramiel
Your Awesum Brutha > Can’t make that shit up

Presto, abacadabra, zap!!! Just like that, kage’s Dramiel vanished! Join us next time, on Kage Rage, Part 7, and we will reveal the mystical secrets of the Orient, and learn how CODE. agents made an entire spaceship disappear!!!!!

To be continued…