Ganked in Fallujah

Everybody loves my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

Uncle Pudge is a typical Highsec miner.

After losing his favourite shuttle, he was less than calm.

When asked why he used such vulgar language, Uncle Pudge made an announcement.

He was a glorious veteran of some sort.

Veterans get 10% off on Tuesdays, and extra special treatment online.

Pudge also applied for a senior citizen discount.

After his proud service in Company C, Uncle Pudge retired to EVE Online.

From behind his computer, Pudge is internet brave.

Apparently, he is still in dusty Fallujah.

Meanwhile, Serbian Gamer shows how a real man reacts when ganked.

High Treason

I bring you dire news.

Some miners have declared themselves to be in a state of rebellion.

Kay AllardLiao has thus composed a manifesto.

If you want to chat in Teamspeak, just let me know.

Buttercup Potemkin went deep undercover to meet the rebel leader.

Buttercup feigned concern about Princess Aiko’s consolidation of power.

AllardLiao was intrigued by Aiko’s ethnicity.

He was surprised to learn of her Palestinian heritage.

Girls from the West Bank should not support space terrorism!

AllardLiao loves the newbros, but Aiko just wants to kill them all.

If newbros can’t win while AFK, they will quit the game.

Nobody plays Wolfenstein anymore. Gamers hate violence!

Kay watched in horror, as Aiko continued to slaughter the innocents.

Alas, Aiko cursed him, and the rebel leader became incoherent.

 

 

 

We are killing it!

Every now and again, as the official Saviourette of the New Order, and High Queen Regent of Highsec, Princess Aiko wonders whether she is a good girl. Are we truly helping these poor miners, or are we just destroying their last barge, after they’ve already lost everything in real-life? Is it cruel to put them out of their misery?

Most carebears live in a nightmarish post-Soviet apocalyptic wasteland, where lights are constantly flickering, and they can barely stay logged in long enough to complete a single mining cycle. Is it wrong to euthanize them?

Of course, I am the heroin of Highsec. However, a few crabs believe I am evil, in real-life. They even use real-life cellphones to warn each other.

Most people see me as a fun sexy James 315, wearing a tiara whilst clubbing in Monaco. They watch me take shots of cranberry vodka, and adore my tight leather miniskirts. However, some conspiracy theorists claim that Aiko is a witch, spreading darkness throughout the galaxy. She might be cute, but she’s evil!

Yes, Aiko is a Princess, but she’s also one of those southern Italian stregas. A goomah with a villa in Naples, who goes on ‘business trips’ to Albania.

It’s ok to extort newbros in nullsec, but to do it in Highsec? Santo cielo!

Over on Facebook, there’s a lot of concern about what is happening. What will we do if all the Highsec miners quit, because of mean space bullies?

Apparently, we are killing it!

This is how it happens. An AFK miner returned to their computer, and realized they don’t enjoy EVE. Just like that, CCP lost another free to play ‘customer’.

It was one of those melodramatic Shakespearean deaths, where Fiona lingered on stage, slowly dying amidst the mockery of the audience.

Goodbye, Fiona. Thank you for your mining service.

I’m a winner!

Ciao!

 

 

 

 

Fuck! #3

Previously, in James 315 Space, miners learned a new word.

Sometimes, they can’t spell it.

Regardless, they love to use it.

They know exactly what it means.

It has something to do with sex.

It also has something to do with me.

I think they want to fuck me.

Oh yah, they want it so bad.

Some miners even like my mouth.

I like it too!

They also want to fuck my friends.

I’m so glad the miners are content.

Such happy little bears.

They are even learning other languages.

“Go fuck morons, frostbitten!”

“Asshole, fuckers!”

“Fuck you, pindos!”

They sure are learning a lot!

I’m glad we met…

…and got to know one another!

 

 

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #221

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #220

Hello friends.

Miners truly appreciate our hard work.

You can tell by how not upset they are.

At lot of people think I’m the best. I can agree with that.

“You stupid European bitch, brains in your skull like a mosquito fucked, such scum as you are better to destroy in the womb, for more than sitting fucking in your isolated barn and poking at the buttons of the mind is not enough.”

I’m a Lady, and miners love my content.

Some of them don’t seem very sensible.

However, I’m sure they learnt an important lesson.

At the very least, they seem to enjoy mining, and reading my blog.

They can tell I’m a nice girl, and they’d like to meet my mother.

“I’m going to shit on your fucking mother, fill the cone with worms like your son of a thousand parents, I hope you die of AIDS, you and all your fucking chestnut, disgusting daughter.”

I know what these bears really need.

I want to make them happy.

They are gonna get a whole lot of it.

Every goblok is gonna get just exactly what they deserve.

It’s gonna be fun!

Everybody is gonna have a great time.

I guess some things never change.

 

 

Captain Bonkers

Miners aren’t the brightest…

…but they know who we are.

They know why we are coming…

…and they especially love to see me.

We are all just playing a game…

…and we aren’t gonna stop.

Recently, Captain Bonk lost a Venture. Oops!

After a quick investigation, we determined it was his own fault.

He seems to like me a lot.

What a friendly bot.

First things first.

Permits are required by law!

Captain Bonk writes a lot of great mails. I would get banned if I wrote such things, but Bonk is a miner, so he can write anything he wants.

What a classy miner.

I’m sure he’s a great person, in real-life!

 

 

 

          

Mean Man Vale

Recently, I was out dunking sad little Ventures, when I came across a mining Tayra. I naturally checked for a permit, and was thoroughly disappointed to realize that Vale Toralen is a common ore thief. I waited patiently for him to acknowledge me in local chat, but he was AFK, in violation of the CODE.

When he woke up, Vale wanted to discuss his feelings.

After this abusive tirade, everyone rushed to console me.

Meanwhile, Vale began to write me.

He’s gonna sell my killright, IRL.

Apparently, I ruined his empire.

He will send CONCORD after me, and all my friends!

He’s gonna report me, and I will be banned!

Does he even know who I am?

He is serious, with a powerful main!

I tried to help him calm down.

He is sending 100 alts after me, a teenage girl!

He’s also selling my info!

Hold on now, is he threatening me?

I think he likes me.


 

Good Morning Kiddo, Part 2

Previously in James 315 Space… Governor Lee aspires to Absolute Order, and Yes Mr Cheng is a good boy (who has done nothing wrong). I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. In Star Trek, there is an alternate opposite universe, where everyone good is evil, and everyone evil is good. In this bizarro dimension, James 315 is a space Maoist, who yearns to be the Servitor of Highsec. Instead of successfully ganking illegal miners, Absolute Order agents prefer to failgank innocent Catalysts. 

Yes Mr Cheng was minding his own business, when his twisted alter ego opened fire with a Caracal Navy Issue. Krase Stolkar didn’t do any damage, but he nevertheless proceeded with Absolute Order protocol, declaring a backwards victory. Apparently, there was a method to this madness. While Mr Cheng was laughing about the suicide Caracal, Krase reshipped and smuggled an entire Orca through Isanamo!

When Sargon noted that he now has a killright, Krase wasn’t amused.

The following day, Krase decided it was time to write an essay.

Krase is a tycoon, earning as much money as a sweatshop worker in Bangladesh!

He isn’t upset about his Caracal.

In real life, Krase has a Haas Super Mini Mill.

He also owns multiple budget carriers.

I hope to learn more about the renewed adventures of Governor Lee, and his merry band of Absolute Order rogues.

 

Good Morning Kiddo!

Previously in James 315 Space… Elite New Order operatives went deep inside a notorious Highsec terrorist organization: Harmony Order. We all thought it was over, mission accomplished, but was it? Would EVE Online’s most ambitious Chinese communist truly stand down? Of course not. When your alliance is piloted like an AFK Orca, and suddenly collapses, it’s easy enough to pay CCP for a brand new alliance. Harmony Order was thus reformed, with a little more order.

With twenty ‘battalions’ of Absolute Order, the Absolute Honor alliance stands strong and ready to bring “casual PvE/PvP/Mining” to Highsec.

That’s right. These are genuine space Maoists, and it’s not roleplay!

They seek to build a more democratic galaxy, centered upon one man, the glorious supreme protector, the Servitor of Highsec – Governor Lee.

There’s just one small problem. He is shamelessly incompetent.

To be continued…

 

 

kalo loses a Venture

Listening to: Melodic Techno Mix

Previously in James 315 Space… kalo kohan lost a Venture.

Afterwards, he got a letter.

kalo got beat by a girl!

He knows exactly what women need.

At first, kalo tried to reason with her.

Then he became angry.

That stupid girl!

Where is her man?

kalo struggled to express himself in any known language.

He just wants to see me again.

kalo feels so confused.

His feelings defy logic.

She seems to really like him…

…and kato is a waiting.

He loves his prinsesa.

What is he saying?

Surely, a true Princess would understand him?

What a wonderful lady!

I don’t think we need to translate that one.

Men!

I know they like me.

“Yet I urge you to be kind.”

Aw, he’s in love!

Isn’t that cute?

I know what he needs.

He needs me!

I hope he finds a nice mining girl.