Highsec Miner Grab Bag #213

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #212

Last night was great, as all the boys were logged into Teamspeak, and a lot of important words were uttered at my coronation party. Amidst the clink of silver and crystal, I sang I’m a Barbie Girl and Bombs over Baghdad. Life in plastic, it’s fantastic. Don’t pull the thang out, unless you plan to bang. I also recited the life story of Princess Olga, and easily won Bonus round after Bonus round. CODE. celebrations are the best. Always!

James always said that he could keep MinerBumping going indefinitely with all the unpublished material, and some spicy stuff remains archived. The galaxy awaits the story of Kelroth, will it ever be told? What of the mining witches of Estwyck, or the Prince of Abu Dhabi? These stories are not tall tales, but absolutely fascinating case studies in the depravity of the common Highsec miner. The mantle is now mine, and the burden is also mine, as each night I find myself wondering whether this blog will last even one more day… thus far, each and every morning, my answer is emphatically yes.

Today, I’d like to do something special. I have decided to reach into the bag, pulling out bits and pieces. It’s possible that some items were already published on MinerBumping, and perhaps I will duplicate a bit. If so, that’s just confirmation of our great content. Folders and folders of screenshots, days and days of audio, endless videos and eternal logs of each and every channel from the deepest Delve to the Cobalt Edge. Some have stated that Miner Grab Bag was their favourite. Indeed, it was my favourite, and this seems like the right time. Let’s just open up that bag, and see what we find.

The miners always seem to know exactly what to say, even when they get it backwards. There would be no point logging in, except that the miners have such strong feelings for us, and it is only polite to try and provide them with additional content. Meanwhile, there are other miners who just seem to need a little bump.

I’ve always had a special effect on the miners. As the official Saviourette of Highsec, I know exactly what they need.

Some gobloks want ‘proof’ of my special status in the New Order, but let’s be real. Miners love me, in a way they never could experience James.

Consequently, they recognize me as Supreme Protectress, yours and theirs.


It doesn’t actually matter what the miner’s background is, whether they be Catholic or whether they share the One True Faith, inshallah, every miner knows that the Jamespocalypse means a glorious Age of Aiko is upon them.

As we move forward, the faithful will recognize that James315.Space is home, and I am merely your humble servant. As the General Secretary of the Bumper’s Union, it is my sworn duty to help in your brave fight against the mining peril.

Sometimes, it seems that the miners only want to hurl insults and explore my pretty mouth, but we can hold our heads high, and know that they are super lonely. Just look at Overmind Niminen! The miners desperately need us!

I know for certain that dear James published this next screenshot, but there’s no harm in repeating it. Sometimes, the truth is worth a second look.


You can’t stop a train
Who want some? Don’t come un-pre-pared
But this’ll be the year that we won’t forget
Uno, dos, tres, it’s on
Did you ever think a pimp rock a microphone?
Should have held back, but you throwed the punch
Don’t even bang unless you plan to hit something

Before you read up, get a laptop
Make a business for yourself, boy, set some goals
Make a fair diamond out of dusty coals
Record number four, but we on a roll
Movin like Floyd comin’ straight to Florida
Lock all your windows then block the corridors
Pullin off a belt ’cause a whipping’s in order
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!
Po-wer music, electric revival!

Pew Pew, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Alpha female Zopiclone was cruisin through the galaxy, encountering sad pathetic miners. Vasalinda Fingerbang wasn’t as cool, and gave out some seriously mixed messages. I don’t need to tell you who has the better character portrait. Gankers do it better, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > Im not goint to talk to you guys anymore… gank away … just stop
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I read the terms.
Fate and Destiny > Im trying to run a business here and you are trying to Space Lawyer me?

Zopiclone just wanted to conduct space business, but you know what they say about miners. They aren’t very good at anything.

Gualu Echerie > some fat schoolguys are playing eve and gank miner, so they have at least one success that day… stealing a loly from a baby is more dangerous, the mom could punsh them….
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i have to report them every time htye hit me.. this is three times in a week.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > They will eventually lose their accounts
Renee en Welle > No, they won’t.
Fate and Destiny > and believe me Ive won against all Space lawyers
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im sot a space lawyer. Stop fucking with me
Renee en Welle > Wow… You’re giving them all the salt they want and more.

Vasalinda Fingerbang didn’t understand why gankers were so interested in her, and she was beginning to feel a little flustered.

Fate and Destiny > You need to buy a Mining Permit for 10 Million ISK and Ill add you to my blue list. Thanks for showing up
Fate and Destiny > But for you the fee went up to 30 million because you are trying to strong arm me with your space lawyer tall tales

Naughty miners shouldn’t expect us to waive their fees and penalties.

Renee en Welle > At the end of the day it’s a game, what these guys do provides as much content as anything else. Frankly their playstyle shouldn’t be annoying or surprising 🙂
Max Hoxen > you losers gankers are wankers
Max Hoxen > you can atttack only miners 😀
Vasalinda Fingerbang > you know it .
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I know leave me alone
Vasalinda Fingerbang > i was not away from keyboard
Gualu Echerie > yeah, they gank because they want easy kills… too afraid to go into lowsec….

The gobloks insisted that Zopiclone would have more difficulty in a region where her ship didn’t automatically explode after a few seconds.

Zopiclone > you need to calm down and buy a Mining Permit. Its the law
Vasalinda Fingerbang > fuck you
Vasalinda Fingerbang > is that clear enough for you?
Max Hoxen > no permits in ihigh sec … come out of your station 😀
Gualu Echerie > you have no mining permits to sell….
Gualu Echerie > check market and contracts, there are no miningpermits in game… 🙂
Vasalinda Fingerbang > it’s a bullshit extortion scam they are trying to run on newbies

The miners were increasingly agitated, squawking and ruffling their feathers.

Max Hoxen > HEY LOCALS, im gathering the fleet to make the life of these suckers misearable … please DM 😀

Zopiclone was a titan unto the miners, bringing each to judgment.


From: CONCORD
Sent: 2020.07.14 20:41

The kill right K Moros has on you has been made available to E.A.G.L.E.S. for 0 ISK.

Never Gonna SeeGrandKids > OH NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

***

UPDATE: Following yesterday’s post, the mighty moderators of the CODE. alliance have hastily issued an official decree, in honour of Ward Meltdown Week. I am proud to inform you that it is once again decided, now and forever, that “Respecting James 315 is not optional!” Huzzah! I only wish he could hear the Good News. 

With Ward Week upon us, it has been one full year since I seized mechanical control of the CODE. alliance. I will therefore spend this evening celebrating in Perimeter, singing a little karaoke with the Bonus Boys. I will also be reciting the humble tale of Princess Olga, and her crushing defeat of the nasty Drevlians. Hopefully, they will soon give me my ganking titan, and I will finally take my seat on the Imperial War Council.


Pew Pew

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Raneilles
Flies Undone > ganker alert
Zopiclone > blah blah blah

Some people think that being an elite CODE. ganker is all excitement and adventure, like being a supercool intergalactic agent. Those people are right.

Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Hecate) pew pew
Zopiclone Kill: Ken Ozura (Capsule) gf AFK miner

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Vay
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Scheenins
Gualu Echerie
> you need a shower… a cloak can’t really hide you when you smell like a 10 day dead fish with a touch of cat pee…

Harald Uanid > the smel is so horibal thet even the FEMA needs to take actions …
Learza Thiesant > wow you kids need new more hateful hobbies 😀 QQ
Zopiclone > Pretty salty about some Drones blown up?
Zopiclone > bye

Agent Zopiclone was always one of James 315‘s favourite agents, and even though our High King is at rest, Zopiclone continues to spread the Good Word and let miners know they have been blessed by the Saviourette’s officious grace.


EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Amygnon
Fate and Destiny
> Bored of mining?
Zopiclone > gf Fingerbang Kill: Vasalinda Fingerbang (Retriever)
Fate and Destiny > That’s a special special miner

Unfortunately, the passing of James 315 created a power vacuum, and a number of false prophets and tinpot wannabe leaders have attempted to carve out a vanity niche for themselves. Vasalinda Fingerbang has thus established herself as an unofficial foreman of the so-called Verge Mining Consortium.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > you guys realize that harrassment is agains the term of service. You guys making it a point to gank me everytime you see me is gonna eventually get you in trouble. Obviously, I’m not skillful enough to stop you.. .. trying to extort me for isk is within the perview of the game.. but it’s just some made up scam you guys are playing around with… pleas eleave me alone
Fate and Destiny > Negative. You are just another miner
Vasalinda Fingerbang > im trying the best I can to lear how to play this game… I actually paid to be here.. so would you do me a personal favor .. and stop harrassing me.
Fate and Destiny > Pay your 30 Million ISK for the mining Permit
Vasalinda Fingerbang > that’s not going to happen
Fate and Destiny > Or keep dying…

Zopiclone’s loyal sidekick, Fate and Destiny, recognized that it is time to stop beating about the bush and get down to business.

Vasalinda Fingerbang > I have asked yopu politely to stop harrassing me. stop destroying all my6 ships.
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I’m not going to pay any fees to you.
Gualu Echerie > lol… that miningpermit again… you say all they have to buy one, and when one want to buy one, you are not willing to trade it at npy station or make a contract over it….
Fate and Destiny > You are playing EVE. Your ships will blow up
Vasalinda Fingerbang > I am not in a low sec area.
Fate and Destiny > Go to Arraron and let trigs kill you on gate k?
Vasalinda Fingerbang > just stop
Fate and Destiny > Make sure you fit your best possible ship

With the death of James, carebears assert that mining permits are not mandatory, or even real! These heretics insist that respect for James 315 and the Code is officially not not optional. Indeed, Sun Tzu observed that the most dangerous moment for an army is at the very moment of victory, as cheerful celebrations disintegrate into woeful anguish. When line members heap praise upon dead heroes, they fail to maintain vigilance, and effusive worship turns into grotesque mockery. Lazy gobloks will thus embrace the sweet toxin of eternal victory, but the gallant faithful will remain on duty, always!

Vasalinda Fingerbang > it is against to terms of service to specifically harrass a player.. unless you declair war.

Is the once victorious CODE. alliance on the brink of war?

To be continued…

BONUS: I have been rummaging through filing cabinets and that rickety desk. I jiggled a locked drawer and was surprised to discover a stash of personal keepsakes. An expired Ice Mountain ski pass, faded photographs of James and John at the Dolphinarium, a dried up red pen, and a beautiful gold pendant. Oh James, I miss you so much. 

 

 

PlexForce, Part 3

PlexForce, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… lee dantier was a confirmed goofus, and a proud member of PlexForce07. Meanwhile, everyone in Osmon was laughing at PlexForce Nick, who wasn’t amused.

Nick tried to blame his ex-wife’s boyfriend’s children for his own ineptitude. Just for the record, let’s be clear. In order to dock, Nick would merely need to click on a destination, and hit the dock hotkey ‘D’. That’s it. Easy. Even if your child is rolling on the ground, screaming in agony, you have plenty of time to dock.

After confiscating Nick’s battleship, the GankForce moved on to people who were actually playing the game, but Nick did not forget his defeat. His friend or ‘alt’ eventually arrived in the official Why Was I Ganked? channel.

GlitchyDev hoped to tempt fate with a hint of bait. Unfortunately, he had not anticipated that nobody would recognize him.

Koizumi Taira wanted to help GlitchyDev achieve full compliance.

Alas, the bot was already malfunctioning.

GlitchyDev was furious about what Princess Aiko done did.

There would be hell to pay!

GlitchyDev vowed to be different than all the other goofuses, like William Rageclaw, or Lahnius, or Gevlon, or Overmind, or Sharkhunter Quint, or Dracvlad, or Dryson Bennington, or JTClone Ares… Finally, the mighty CODE. alliance had an enemy who would make a ‘difference’.

Ax’l Thorne decided it was time to intervene…


Glitchy demanded to speak with a supervisor…

Glitchy was torn with guilt. He felt responsible for Nick’s death. If only he had done a better job babysitting his friend!

Glitchy was shocked by the callous disregard for his friend’s illegal lifestyle…


The time for talk was over, and Glitchy led a posse to Osmon, where he intended to avenge Nick.

Even the reincarnation of Nick attempted to catch our Saviourette (yours and mine), but she wielded a powerful weapon: his own incompetence.

In the battle for hearts and minds, the Code wins every time! Embarrassed and humiliated before the loyal citizens of Osmon, Glitchy decided it would be best to only engage Princess Aiko in private chats.

Shortly thereafter,  lee dantier’s battleship exploded! BOOM!

PlexForce, Part 2

Previously, on James315.Space… lee dantier was mining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita, when he was totally surprised to encounter the mighty CODE. alliance. lee tried to pretend that he was making a profit from dying, even though he was obviously an abject failure. Meanwhile, lee was friends with a group of 07bears. You might know the type, pubbies who dispense with the wave, and just go all in for hardcore salute roleplay. Welcome to the elite content of PlexForce07.

PlexForce07 isn’t just a sleuth of bears, they are also a clowder of goofuses, and they love AFK mining in a rhumba of Rattlesnakes. The leader is PlexForce Nick, and he’s a fun automating guy who likes to not interact with the EVE client. When Your Awesum Brutha realized that PlexForce07 is a klan of bots, a special GankForce was dispatched to decapitate the Grand Mufti. This proved easy, as he was away from keyboard.

Sometimes, when we say a miner is AFK, we mean only that he was utterly incompetent and failed to touch his keyboard, or glanced away from his monitor for more than one half millisecond. However, PlexForce was most definitely AFK in the most literal sense of the acronym. Consequently, like the captain of a battleship who is passed out drunk in his cabin, Nick didn’t even realize his ship had burst into flames.

Eighteen minutes passed, before he awoke to find himself floating in the nether.

Nick was only awake for a few seconds, before the lights went out again…

Everyone in Osmon was laughing at Nick, but he wasn’t amused.                  

To be continued…

PlexForce

We will be hosting the Celebration of Life at 23:00.
Dignitaries and notables will assemble at the Halaima Ice Palace.
There will be a live stream on the official CODE. YouTube. 

New Order Logistics was on patrol in Isanamo, where Your Awesum Brutha discovered a goofus, just two jumps from Jita! Remembering his training, Brutha brought neutron hellfire upon the vagrant . This wasn’t lee’s first arrest, nor would it be his last.

Brutha assumed the miner learnt a valuable lesson, but was surprised when lee wrote a snitty email, bragging about all the ‘loot’ he acquired. The official Saviourette of Highsec was truly alarmed at the notion that miners might be profiting from ganks, so I pulled out my trusty pink calculator, and crunched the numbers. Assuming lee had platinum insurance, and assuming he recovered all loot, his maximum total gain was negative 8.865 million. Nevertheless, lee was convinced he was getting one up on the ‘ol Code enforcers. 

Just to be absolutely certain, so there was no confusion, I went back and checked my numbers. I tallied up all the costs and expenses, carefully conducting a rigorous review of the data. I repeatedly simulated the destruction of lee on a series of platforms, reaching the same exact conclusion fifteen hundred times in a row, and thus began to develop supreme confidence in my impeccable financial analysis.

Brutha provided these same calculations to lee, noting that lee couldn’t possible have acquired much loot, since Brutha’s loyal alt recovered the most valuable items (namely, three light neutron blasters and an illegal mining upgrade). Lee knew this to be true, and he began to snarl and spit, like a rabid raccoon.

Brutha regretted lee was no longer interested in postgank financial analysis, but he accepted lee’s wishes, and offered a sincere handshake. This only triggered lee, who was infuriated to realize that not only was Brutha a good player, and a reliable accountant, but Brutha was also the better sport.

Our ganking hero went on to have a real life, yet lee had nothing to do but stare at his EVEmail inbox. After half an hour, lee decided to fire another salvo.

A week later, lee dantier was astonished when his Rattlesnake exploded!!!

His friend’s Rattlesnake also exploded!

Why?????

To be continued…

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 10

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on James315. Space… Alt 00 sought to protect the miners from their own self-inflicted pestilence, but the Chinese botting virus claimed a morbid toll. Alt systematically purged the system with neutron blasts, dissembling the virus before it could replicate, but would this be enough to save Nakugard? As unrepentant miners continued to resist best practice safeguards, Alt decided it was time to make an example.

As James 315 once observed, “Highsec miners are like a box of chocolates. You never really know what’s inside until you tear the box open.” Some miners are idon’tcare bears, and other miners are goofus bears, but Cassiopaia Fondana was a cringy crybear. According to zkill, she lost an estimated $0.54, enough to feed her entire village for a week. I recently got a breakfast taco for $1.50, and I can only imagine how I might feel if Alt 00 grabbed a third of it. Cassiopaia’s lip trembled.

As Cassiopaia stared in dismay at her half eaten ice cream cone, melting on the concrete and already attracting ants, she began to realize that she would never, never, be able to play with her retriever ever again. Oh dear, she might be able to buy another retriever, but it just wouldn’t be the same barge, and tears began to well up in her sensitive eyes. Goodbye fair retriever, goodbye old friend…

Cassiopaia dealt with the situation just as she might deal with a similar crisis in real life. She began to stomp her feet, and gesticulated with her flailing hands. It was precisely the example Alt 00 intended, as the other miners began to notice a commotion.

 

It was precisely at this moment that Alt 00 made a power play, demonstrating once and for all the almighty power of the Code, praise be unto James on High!
 

Cassiopaia knew she would never see her barge again, and her wailing became increasingly shrill. Fortunately, she was invited to the premier Why Was I Ganked? channel, where New Order agents were standing by to help her.

Meanwhile, Cassiopaia continued to rend her garments in Nakugard local…

Everyone in Nakugard could see what happens when you disobey the safety regulations of the New Order, and they watched in horror as Cassiopaia gnashed her teeth.

The hapless bot was soon reduced to mere repetition in all channels…

The other miners did not want to wind up like Cassiopaia, and agreed it would be best to dock up and respect the quarantine. It was, as they say, another happy ending for the New Order. The ice floated free, unmolested and untainted by the foul mining pestilence.

Kage Rage, Part II

Previously, on James 315.Space... kage1982 was reaping a bountiful harvest of CODE. salt. As the alliance archives began to overflow, one intrepid space secretary investigated the tumult in sunny Isanamo.

kage1982 > JAMES 315 CAN SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > DEATH TO THE CODE

kage1982 > I AM THE LAW

Krig Povelli > Sounds like he might be broke

kage1982 > GO FUCK YOUR SELF

Koiso Komatsu > such a goofus

kage1982 > NONSES

Since 2012, the mighty CODE. alliance has offered free spelling and composition coursework for illiterate miners, available for just three billion isk per hour. kage1982 was determined to master multisyllable words, and eagerly enrolled at our award-winning Isanamo campus.

Ernst Steinitz > Some miners never learn

MINERBITCH > leeson done lernt

Knowledgeminer > LOL that kage1982, he was still mad?

Ulianov > yes

Knowledgeminer > I cannot imagine how mad he must be

Ernst Steinitz > he blocked me

On occasion, Kage would participate in solitary spelling bees…

[ 2020.05.29 19:18:57 ] kage1982 > BABY
[ 2020.05.29 19:18:59 ] kage1982 > GO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:00 ] kage1982 > ALL
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:02 ] kage1982 > NIGHT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:09 ] kage1982 > SOMETIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:12 ] kage1982 > ANYTIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:15 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:16 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:18 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:22 ] kage1982 > LITTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:25 ] kage1982 > MISS
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:28 ] kage1982 > AH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:31 ] kage1982 > INNOCENT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:34 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:36 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:39 ] kage1982 > YEAH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:40 ] kage1982 > YEHA
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:45 ] kage1982 > SO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:51 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:53 ] kage1982 > TAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:54 ] kage1982 > A
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:57 ] kage1982 > BOTTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:59 ] kage1982 > SHAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:00 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:01 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:06 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:07 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:09 ] kage1982 > BUBBLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:12 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:13 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:15 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:25 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:27 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:29 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:30 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:32 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:34 ] kage1982 > IN
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:35 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:37 ] kage1982 > NAME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:38 ] kage1982 > OF
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:41 ] kage1982 > LOVE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:43 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:44 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:45 ] Andross Kaelen > Kill: Diana Denisowna (Leopard)
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:46 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:51 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:54 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:57 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > FIRE
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:04 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:08 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:09 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:10 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:12 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:13 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:16 ] kage1982 > I
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:18 ] kage1982 > CANT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:20 ] kage1982 > GET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:25 ] kage1982 > ENOUGH
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:30 ] kage1982 > IM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:31 ] kage1982 > HOT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:33 ] kage1982 > STICKY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:35 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:39 ] kage1982 > FROM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:40 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:42 ] kage1982 > HEAD
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:43 ] kage1982 > DOWN
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:47 ] kage1982 > TO
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:50 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:51 ] kage1982 > FEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:25:11 ] Sexy Shower Time > You have a unique way of creating content

He would also practice his maths…

[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 1
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 2
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:41 ] kage1982 > 3
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:42 ] kage1982 > 4
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:43 ] kage1982 > 5
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:44 ] kage1982 > 6
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:45 ] kage1982 > 7
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 8
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 9
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:48 ] kage1982 > 10

…and kage joined the campus choral club…

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM ADDING CONTENT

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM SAVING EVE THROUGH SONG

Krig Povelli > I would like to request “I’m Blue” by Eiffel 65

[ 2020.05.29 20:01:00 ] kage1982 > heres
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:01 ] kage1982 > the
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:03 ] kage1982 > story
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:05 ] kage1982 > about
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:06 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:07 ] kage1982 > little
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:09 ] kage1982 > guy
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:10 ] kage1982 > who
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:11 ] kage1982 > lives
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:12 ] kage1982 > in
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:13 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:15 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:16 ] kage1982 > world
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:19 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:20 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:21 ] kage1982 > day
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:25 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:27 ] kage1982 > night
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:29 ] kage1982 > everything
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:30 ] kage1982 > he
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:31 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:33 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:34 ] kage1982 > just
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:36 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:38 ] kage1982 > like
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:43 ] kage1982 > him
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:45 ] kage1982 > inside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:46 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:50 ] kage1982 > outside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:53 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:55 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:58 ] kage1982 > house
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:00 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:03 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:05 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:07 ] kage1982 > window
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:11 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:15 ] kage1982 > corvette
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:40 ] kage1982 > every
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:42 ] kage1982 > thing
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:43 ] kage1982 > hje
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:46 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:10 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:12 ] kage1982 > just

As I proceeded with my investigation of the Isanamo incident, it wasn’t yet clear whether kage1982 is a goofus, but I was beginning to discern a pattern. Without naming any names, I’ll just call this the Pearl River syndrome…

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: I was recently relaxing in the elite director’s only Omegle channel, where I was angrily confronted by one of our former fans. After a thoroughly autistic meta-analysis, they were shocked to discover that the previous blog post had been stepped on! Although the length was a respectable 712 words, fully 15% was copied and pasted from Jita local and the English Help channel. Yikes! Can you imagine snorting a line of your favourite blog, and then realizing that you are done for the day? Double yikes! This is precisely what Stephen King was concerned about when he wrote Misery. Don’t worry miner, just send a few billion isk to James 315, and I’ll get you some of the good stuff.


BONUS ENDORSEMENT: If you aren’t an ASL voice verified Marshal of the Old Guard, you might be wondering whether the Good News is true. Has the blog returned, to save us all again? Well, last night on the Twitch, an official space angel descended from the Heavens to speak unto Zaenis and unmute the Word. Full faith or no faith, always!

Praise James, cuz you ain’t that average groupie!

 

 

Kage Rage

As the official CODE. secretary, I recently discovered 150 megabytes of salt…

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go

Kageoni Atumaru > HyperNet offer: Corelum C-Type 10MN Afterburner HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 5MN Microwarpdrive HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 1MN Afterburner

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Eve Lotto : Win your own Gila with 35M only

When you search through the voluminous CODE. archives, you learn to despise Jita, which clogs the chat logs with endless trash. I was looking for kage1982, but he wasn’t in Jita, at least not on this day. I needed to refine my search.

I eventually found him with the wayback machine…

Channel Name: English Help

kage1982 > Hi guys i redeemed my Skill points for the log on rewards but instead of applying them its given me an item i cant use or move

That’s right friend, we are always listening – always! Now that we know what we are searching for, we can easily pick him out of a crowd, even in Jita.

Steelbreaker Onzo > HyperNet offer: Rattlesnake HyperNet offer: Large Skill Injector HyperNet offer: Panther HyperNet offer: Golem HyperNet offer: Paladin less than 4 mil per node!

kage1982 > Ernst Steinitz off to kill your mates instead

TARANTUL BEL > Предложение гиперсети: @@@@@@@@@@Republic Fleet Medium Shield Extender*

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Sobaseki
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Sometimes he appears like a faint echo, far too late to affect reality…

[ 2020.05.22 21:17:03 ] Ernst Steinitz > No Permit = No Ship
[ 2020.05.22 21:17:20 ] kage1982 > watch for code

Occasionally, he is triggered, exploding like a bomb… In other cases, he will just give you the silent treatment.

Kinch Dedalus > how much is a permit?

kage1982 > code a bunch of grown men who have very sad uninteresting real lives so the pretend to be some authority on here going round attackign miners and other random players all to cover the shortfallings of real life where they are sad pathetic loosers who dont matter

Kinch Dedalus > sounds like you didnt have a permit

kage1982 > i can give you deatailed instructons of where to shove your permit

Blitz Kishunuba > i suggest you read the code

kage1982 > i sugest you shove a sansha ship up your arse

kage1982 > honestly i recon these sad twats go around telling folk they are “pro gamers” when in fact they a low class dole scum

kage1982 > best way to haze code is block their toons

When Overmind logged in to praise me and check if he was even still in CODE., Kage was already there, attacking the confused ‘agent’ with unprecedented accuracy.

kage1982 > Overmind Niminen you just sit there and cower in your station

Meanwhile, kage infiltrated the MinerBumping channel, where he boldly announced that he wasn’t intimidated by CODE.’s fearsome reputation. 

zander kage > honestly though rare i bother with this toon but thought id drop by to let you know what shitbags you are

zander kage > go on all you like about ganks son not phasing me

Your Awesum Brutha > Calm down miner

zander kage > proper noob tears of salt

Ernst Steinitz > Please calm down miner

zander kage > i drink your salty tears

Sun-Tzu Rollard > he is a tough guy

zander kage > you seem mad

Your Awesum Brutha > are you interested in buying a permit?

zander kage > are you interested in stopping crying?

Faster Eddy > lol, another day, another angry illegal miner

zander kage > calm down

zander kage > calm your salty tears

zander kage > calm down you seem mad

In a galaxy full of CODE. Space Bullies, one man is always ready to dish out the salt.

zander kage > im guessing you have to play space bullies because daddy isnt proud of you

To be continued…

Bonus Content: Pix Severus has recently decided to continue his blog, MTU Hunter. Check it out! As you know, mining structures will often explode and shower bystanders with miner bits. Some people enjoy “treasure hunting on a galactic scale”, and this hobby is certainly more respectable than mining in Isanamo.

 

 

Miner, Don’t Beat Your Wife! – Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Rob-MMC’s wife was driving the family mining business into bankruptcy, and he needed 300 billion isk… fast!

ROB-MMC > The website is saying Im at a plex limit for today…..this is dumb…..aint yall the code……it wont let me buy more than the 500 plex i just bought…

ROB-MMC > I bought 2500 plexs and now they say i have to wait…..I thought you guys controlled the game……Can yall allow me to purchase more Plex as 300 bil ISK is not easy to get

Oxycon > Please bio mass all your characters

Rob’s bank didn’t trust him with money, and he began to feel desperate, contemplating a little illegal mining.

ROB-MMC > You cant mine in low or null sec as they kill you on site and say go back to hi sec…..so where the fuck do you mine…ha ha ha…..I really am trying to know

BillNye TheGankerGuy > karmafleet is recruiting

ROB-MMC > Lmmfao………Karmafleet they have killed me several times….they ran me from Amarr and Minmater space….they are mean as hell and hate everyone

ROB-MMC > Thsi was wayyy back in Oshiama………..I was happy here….but they just wanted war…….and they dropped my orcas like flyes…….ha ha ha…..so I moveed here and now yall at war as well…

ROB-MMC > When you ask to join they deny you…..its like high school

ROB-MMC > So people like me need a new game as this is a friends only game….see CCP needs to say that like only join if you have friends……so confusing

Dom Arkaral > something something make friends? git gud

It occurred to Rob that football players and cheerleaders were probably doing well in EVE, and meanwhile he was just a bitter jellybear.

ROB-MMC >  Ive lost 6 orcas I thought they was going for my orca, but hit my wife……..thanks alot….but still i just want to be safe in hi sec

mat Otsito > high sec is by far the most dangerous place

Rob’s sob story was pitiful, but he still owed 300’000’000’000 isk to James 315.

ROB-MMC > I cant afford that and cant buy the plex…so I should quit and go beat the fuck out my wife as she the cause and now I cant do shit on my off day but look at her…..Yeak slapping the shit out of her…..soon as i guess log off….yall hate me now and will kill on sight thanks for the info and I should have kept this game to myself as bitches ruin everything

mat Otsito > what?

ROB-MMC > ok ok……..fuck the other 2 accts, she omega and my son is alpha……..Ill delete them now……..Can I have my main released from this EVE ass courtroom……I wanna mine….I just told this bitch she will be a single homeless parent she touch my fucking eve game…….so can i please get back to mining

Sun-Tzu Rollard > are you admitting that you are account sharing?

ROB-MMC > Im on her account fuck yes….cause she caused this….i docked my main and he sitting there……..

Oxycon > ROB434 Mays I guess this is your main then

ROB-MMC > YESSSSSSS can you not block or red flag him please

The discovery of another ROB account revealed endless pain and heartbreak…

Rob was ready to kill his entire family…

ROB-MMC > But I have 3 computers ijn my house and only use one at a time….thats why its 3 accts not 1 acct and 2 alts
ROB-MMC > I play my way and they play theres
ROB-MMC > I can delete this acct now and my son shit can be gone as we;ll

If allowing the miner to vent his profanities toward me in local saves his wife or children one extra beating, that’s something I’ll gladly take. The miner has to take it out on somebody, and I’d rather it be me than some household full of children out there.

In his infinite wisdom, James 315 foresaw such depravity, and agents of the CODE are trained to intervene and assist troubled miners.

mat Otsito > can i have your stuff before you biomass
Oxycon > Are you having some sort of mental breakdown?
Lord Osama3rd Hita > lol
Dom Arkaral > ↑

The miner was relieved to find someone he could talk to…

ROB-MMC > I work 16 hr shift at work and I play this game everyday there and its my peace of mind…….and yes i am if i have to kill this bitch for ruining my game…..she be facebook, instagram…….all that stupid shit…but wanna fuck up my eve…she lucky im on her acct trying to save it and not kicking her ass til I feel better or find 300 bil in ISK

ROB-MMC > stupid ass girl…i wanna kill her

Dom Arkaral > uhm

ROB-MMC > I was enjoying my day,,,,,,and this goof ass girl and made enemies with yall and now she upfront looking stupid and all yall wanna kill me for her stupidity

BillNye TheGankerGuy > get some help

Dom Arkaral > just log off

Knowledgeminer > wtf

Rob’s audience was increasingly appalled by his toxic masculinity, but one veteran goofus piped up to express miner solidarity.

Kariza Yang > Honestly. I can relate. I’m a disabled combat vet and play to relax.

Miners disgust me.


BONUS CONTENT: Back in 2015, James 315 created the The Official Twitter Account for Minerbumping and the New Order of Highsec.For the past five years, he has retained this closely guarded communications channel, utilized by senior directors of The Conference Elite. Now that we are wholly victorious across all of New Eden, James has solemnly authorized this Twitter account as the official VOICE of Highsec. Praise be unto James, whence floweth all good things!