We recently hosted the 25th Annual Bitterbear vs Newbro Tournament. If you are unfamiliar with the competition, perhaps because you are new to EvE Online, I will explain. We picked an older player, Hrothgar Nilsson (who has been playing for 14 years), and Hrothgar was paired against CASTOLE (who is a total beginner). Hrothy represented Novus Plebo, while CASTOLE represented the mighty Team Safety.
AMAZING!
CASTOLE defeated Hrothgar Nilsson, 12-1.
Unlike Hrothy, CASTOLE is an elite ganker.
I bet the Conference of Novus Plebo would love to recruit him.
Good luck with that.
That’s right.
Hey look! CASTOLE is recruiting other newbros…
Maybe I’ll talk to everybody?
I can finally tell my side of the story (again and again).
Fellow Agents, Shareholders, and even you, the huddled, retching masses of bot-aspirants who pollute our beloved belts:
It is a burden, truly, to look out across the vast, infinite black of New Eden and see not the twinkling promise of stars, but the festering, necrotic lesions of unpermitted mining barges. For every thousand mouth-breathing carebears who think an automated cycle of a strip miner constitutes “gameplay,” there rises a singular, luminous beacon of hope. A paragon of the Code. An enforcer who understands that to save Highsec, one must be willing to burn the weeds—root, stem, and drone.
Today, we turn our gaze toward a figure who has transcended the mere title of “Agent.” She is not merely a soldier in our war against the decadence of AFK mining; she is a force of nature, a cosmic inevitability, a localized singularity of pure, unadulterated compliance. I speak, of course, of the Saviourette herself, the Princess of Pain, Aiko Danuja.
The Aristocracy of Violence
In a galaxy teeming with F1-monkeys and risk-averse krabs, Aiko Danuja stands apart as true nobility. Where the average miner sees a belt as a trough from which to feed, Aiko sees it for what it truly is: a hunting ground. A proving ground. A classroom where the tuition is paid in exhumer wrecks and the lesson is always the same: The Code is Law.
I have observed Aiko’s career with the proud, paternal gaze of a creator watching his most perfect engine hum to life. She does not simply gank; she performs. There is a theatricality to her enforcement that leaves the carebear not just ship-less, but soul-less. She understands that the destruction of a vessel is merely the opening statement. The real negotiation happens in the frozen silence, or the frantic, tear-stained scrolling of Local chat.
While other lesser capsuleers clumsily fumble for excuses or “gfs,” Aiko sits upon her throne—likely applying a fresh coat of “CONCORD Crimson” polish to her nails—and demands tribute. She is the Princess, and the belts are her royal court. You do not mine in her presence without bending the knee. You do not undock without her permission. And you certainly do not offer her 10 million ISK when the price of her mercy has just inflated to 150 million due to your impudence.
A Terror to the Bot-Aspirant
To understand Aiko’s value to the New Order, one must examine the quality of the tears she extracts. They are vintage. Refined. She arranges a complex bouquet of entitlement, confusion, and impotent rage.
I recall a dossier that crossed my desk recently—a “Shareholder Report” of sorts—where Aiko was approached by a miner who claimed he was “just trying to play the game.” Aiko, in her infinite wisdom, corrected him. He was not playing the game; he was simulating a screensaver. With the patience of a saint and the firepower of a Catalyst, she dismantled his arguments as efficiently as she dismantled his Covetor.
When the miner threatened to petition CCP, to call the police, to write a strongly worded letter to his local congressman, Aiko did not falter. She laughed. A high, crystalline laugh that echoed through the server nodes. She reminded him that she is the content. She is the emergent gameplay. She is the only reason his sad, lonely existence in that asteroid belt has any meaning whatsoever.
She has mastered the art of the “Double-Down.” When a miner refuses to pay a permit, she does not simply destroy him. She destroys him, utterly and unconditionally. This is not just enforcement; this is salesmanship. That is the New Order in its purest form.
The 1,602 BillionIsk Question
Let us not forget her financial devotion. Aiko is not just a warrior; she is a Shareholder of the highest caliber. When the New Order needed to cross the threshold, who was there? Who stepped forward? Aiko Danuja, again and again. What a lucky little lady, and a wise investor!
She understands the Code is not free. Civilization has a price tag. She pays with the spoils of conquest, funneling the wealth of the non-compliant back into the machinery that grinds them to dust. It is a beautiful, self-sustaining cycle of justice.
A Note to the Carebears
If you see Aiko Danuja in Local, do not panic. Panic leads to error, and a loss mail. Instead, I advise you to calmly dock, open your wallet, and ask: “Princess, what must I do to be saved?”
If you are lucky, she will only ask for your ISK. If you are unlucky, she will ask for your dignity. And if you are truly, spectacularly foolish—if you attempt to argue, to cite “EULA” violations that exist only in your fevered imagination, or to block her—then you will learn the final lesson. You will become a statistic. A smudge on her killboard. A cautionary tale of the sort often told on the pages of minerbumping.com.
Mission Accomplished
Aiko Danuja is more than a player. She is a mood. A vibe. A harsh, uncompromising aesthetic. She is the answer to the question, “Why can’t I just mine in peace?” The answer is Aiko. Because peace is earned. Peace is purchased. And until you have paid the Princess her due, there will be no peace. Salute her, Agents. Fear her, miners. For she is the Code made flesh, and she is coming to a belt near you.
