Kage Rage, Part 6

Previously on James315.Space… Kage1982 got dunked on, repeatedly, and was delighted by his glorious victory over the CODE. He thus began to celebrate in Isanamo. However, Ernst Steinitz removed kage’s tethering rights, and kage found himself whirling through the void, without a safety net. kage was hurtling around the Home for Young Miners, when he spotted an official ASL voice-verified princess.

kage1982 > they are trying to catch me but are slugs
Ernst Steinitz > kage did not have a permit when we found him ratting in his Barghest, that’s why he is sometimes a little angry at us.
Aiko Danuja > he isn’t salty though
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja like the inside of your mouth for ten dollars

Like many miners, kage found himself immediately captivated by the soft Voice of Highsec, and that siren’s call lured him into a trance. He fantasized about becoming a salty little, and jumping down the throat of his new vore queen. Once upon a time, Overmind Niminen had likewise beta orbited the YMCA, broadcasting romantic poems on all channels, in a desperate bid to woo the beautiful lady.

Now, it was kage1982, who also hoped to finally meet a real-life girl.

kage1982 > her ass is the size of frieghter no doubt
Aiko Danuja > Don’t you feel foolish, watching us win everyday?

Kage had forgotten about Ernst Steinitz, but now he was reminded, that mining permits come with a number of perks.

Aiko Danuja > What do u mean by a salty mouth, for a few bucks??
Your Awesum Brutha > I’d say 10
kage1982 > you know dam well what, down the docks every night you are
Whadda Badasaz > What does Aiko do, down by the docks?
kage1982 > Aiko Danuja hey dont talk with your mouth full that guys paying them 10 bucks cheeky maire
Your Awesum Brutha > Aiko Danuja thank you \o/

Kage watched, as Aiko and her Brutha performed a magic disappearing trick. He realized there were benefits to being a CODE. agent, and he was jealous. 

Aiko Danuja > What do you mean, my mouth isn’t full ??
kage1982 > awww kid , does daddy call it something else 😉
Aiko Danuja > i dont understand can you explain?
Catalyst Whisperer > How can someone be so mad after being ganked like a month ago?
Whadda Badasaz > You know Aiko is a 14 year old child in real life, right?
kage1982 > yeah prob why you got her onboard isnt it

There are some lines which should never be crossed, and one of those lines is that a miner should never dare to express sexual desire for an agent of the CODE. This is wholly indecent, like trying to molest the SWAT team, as they bash down the door and order you onto your knees. Calm down, miner!

Whadda Badasaz > Your sexual comments are very inappropriate
Your Awesum Brutha > kage1982 you are so pathetic
Aiko Danuja > Kill: kage1982’s Dramiel
Your Awesum Brutha > Can’t make that shit up

Presto, abacadabra, zap!!! Just like that, kage’s Dramiel vanished! Join us next time, on Kage Rage, Part 7, and we will reveal the mystical secrets of the Orient, and learn how CODE. agents made an entire spaceship disappear!!!!!

To be continued…

 

Kage Rage, Part 5

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Spacekage1982 lost a Hulk, and a Barghest. As he bathed in CODE. tears, gleefully measuring his salt/hour, he struck an alliance with Chinese bots and began to proudly clamp his hands.

kage was thrilled to see CODE. agents flee Isanamo, warping their Catalysts away to Uemisaisen and various other adjacent mining systems.

The miners of Isanamo rallied around their glorious new supreme leader, proclaiming him to be the resurrection of Lahnius, and the latest Overmind in a long line of failed gobloks. Unfortunately, although kage welcomed the Maoist Miners Liberation Front, he often struggled to understand his new comrades.

They were an odd couple, but with a little effort, the Maoists gradually coordinated their message and continued griefing the mighty CODE. alliance.

Proper salt extraction is a team effort, so kage and Wind shuttle practiced their vocabulary, winning hearts and minds. As Chairman Mao wrote, political work is the “life-blood” of civilization.

Kage had a favourite place to preach, outside the Home for Young Miners.

Meanwhile, Ernst Steinitz was super salty, and revoked kage’s tethering rights. This was amusing to kage, who was glad to see Ernst triggered.

With a space bully in Isanamo, would CODE. ever gank again?

To be continued…

 

 

PlexForce

We will be hosting the Celebration of Life at 23:00.
Dignitaries and notables will assemble at the Halaima Ice Palace.
There will be a live stream on the official CODE. YouTube. 

New Order Logistics was on patrol in Isanamo, where Your Awesum Brutha discovered a goofus, just two jumps from Jita! Remembering his training, Brutha brought neutron hellfire upon the vagrant . This wasn’t lee’s first arrest, nor would it be his last.

Brutha assumed the miner learnt a valuable lesson, but was surprised when lee wrote a snitty email, bragging about all the ‘loot’ he acquired. The official Saviourette of Highsec was truly alarmed at the notion that miners might be profiting from ganks, so I pulled out my trusty pink calculator, and crunched the numbers. Assuming lee had platinum insurance, and assuming he recovered all loot, his maximum total gain was negative 8.865 million. Nevertheless, lee was convinced he was getting one up on the ‘ol Code enforcers. 

Just to be absolutely certain, so there was no confusion, I went back and checked my numbers. I tallied up all the costs and expenses, carefully conducting a rigorous review of the data. I repeatedly simulated the destruction of lee on a series of platforms, reaching the same exact conclusion fifteen hundred times in a row, and thus began to develop supreme confidence in my impeccable financial analysis.

Brutha provided these same calculations to lee, noting that lee couldn’t possible have acquired much loot, since Brutha’s loyal alt recovered the most valuable items (namely, three light neutron blasters and an illegal mining upgrade). Lee knew this to be true, and he began to snarl and spit, like a rabid raccoon.

Brutha regretted lee was no longer interested in postgank financial analysis, but he accepted lee’s wishes, and offered a sincere handshake. This only triggered lee, who was infuriated to realize that not only was Brutha a good player, and a reliable accountant, but Brutha was also the better sport.

Our ganking hero went on to have a real life, yet lee had nothing to do but stare at his EVEmail inbox. After half an hour, lee decided to fire another salvo.

A week later, lee dantier was astonished when his Rattlesnake exploded!!!

His friend’s Rattlesnake also exploded!

Why?????

To be continued…

How to Sell a Mining Permit

=OFFICIAL CODE. FTLONCOMMS= 
*AUTHENTICATED*
<Author> James 315
-start-
DEAD FUNERAL 23:00 JULY 23 HALAIMA
-end1/break-

Let’s discuss the process of selling a mining permit, ensuring miners are properly cared for, in accordance with the First Amendment.  Ideally, you want a miner like Kexis Yazaria, who was smuggling a Yurt Mobile Depot.

Empire Ganking Alt invited Kexis to the elite Why Was I Ganked? channel, and proceeded to explain the law. Notice how Empire avoids any hint of roleplay, and sticks to the facts. Remember, this isn’t D&D.

Unfortunately, Kexis fled the channel, attempting to avoid any personal responsibilities in life. For a lot of new gankers, this is frustrating, causing them to believe that miners can escape. Remember, the art of the deal is fundamentally a matter of persuasion. Let the miner calm down, and give him another opportunity.  Be nice and friendly, never ever acting like a space bully. This is salesmanship! He wants to buy a permit.


Don’t be a betabear. Now that we are victorious, every miner has been given the red pen, as eight years of rebellion is unforgivable. Demand 30’000’000 isk, and wield the pink pen, increasing fees to 100’000’000. We’ve been patient, but our victory is complete, and the Jamesageddon is now upon us. Mining permits are still just 10 million isk, but all miners owe late fees. If the penalties remain unpaid, the permit is invalid and revoked. That’s the law. James told me so, and he was always right. Always!

Notice how the pressure steadily mounts. We implemented increasing financial penalties, and a third agent reminds Kexis that the loss of his mining ship (again) is inevitable. You can expect gobloks to hem and haw. However, they can’t help but respect power, because they can’t mine without permission.

Some weasly miners will pretend they have nothing left, or that they are planning to run away and hide. It can be helpful to explain that we have already achieved total victory, and there is no escape. Be completely honest. We control all of New Eden, along with vast swaths of Minecraft, Farmville, Second Life, DayZ, Runescape, Elite Dangerous, World of Tanks, World of Warcraft, 7 Days to Die, Starcraft, Fortnite, Detroit, and Terraria.

It can be helpful for the miner to understand that CODE. agents will be waiting for him, no matter where he hides. For example, one miner attempted to flee into PUBG, but I simply linked him an official map. He thus realized that our agents are prepared for any illegal farming operations.

After you present the venerated Halama Code of New Halaima, and the consequences of any violation, you can be confident that only a certified aspierant would refuse to submit. By implementing this patented CAPTCHA system, you can do your part to identify farmbots and ensure their case is marked for BONUS investigators.

To be continued…

***

BONUS: If any miner purchases a mining permit, they will qualify for FREE refining in sunny Isanamo, just two jumps from Jita! Isanamo, the best little mining system in New Eden! If you know a miner, send ’em to Isa!


DOUBLE BONUS: Rookie gankers shouldn’t allow rookie miners to scam them! Rookie miners are STILL miners !

To: Sven Ole-Torssen
From: Mahlazia

Just an FYI

You’ve been griefing some rookies in a STARTER system. It is a blatant ToS Eula breach and we are reporting you for it. We are attempting to teach our new players not have them scammed with mining permits or repeatedly ganked.

Cheers.

Apples in the Orchard, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Highsec miner Gripen ANM was disturbed by Torgo Tahn bumping his Orca, demonstrating best practice techniques for Zopiclone. Gripen panicked, abandoning his Orca, five augmented mining drones, and an illegally modified interceptor. Although Gripen didn’t want that Orca anyways, he needed his Stiletto, in order to escape Highsec. When Torgo deduced that Gripen must have a blingy capacitor implant, Kalorned and Tweeps decided it was time for a formal pod inspection.


Gripen was alarmed when a Tweeps alt, Cultural Center, explained that the interceptor had already been offered as tribute unto Princess Aiko, the official heiress to James 315. However, if Gripen didn’t get the Stiletto back, then it would be impossible to dodge gatecamps and warp bubbles. How would he escape Highsec? Fortunately, Aiko graciously offered to return the Stiletto. Therefore, Gripen hurried back in a Condor, but Cultural Center was alarmed by Gripen’s failure to purchase a mining permit. As Gripen’s pod warbled unsteadily in orbit around the interceptor, Kalorned sent a K-name to investigate.

Gripen kept trying to scam Cultural Center, attempting to board his interceptor, before paying his taxes. Eventually, the frustrated Gripenbear clambered aboard his Condor, and prepared to depart. At this very moment, Krominal suddenly appeared in a gold-plated Amarrian destroyer. With a holy blaze of multifrequency photons, the Condor’s sins melted away , once again revealing Gripen’s naked pod. Alas, CONCORD bots quickly arrived, and Krominal was unable to conduct a closer inspection of the pod. Gripen warped off, amplifying everyone’s curiosity about just what exactly was hidden inside.

For any normal individual, none of this would have happened, because normal people don’t mine (especially not in Highsec). In the rare instance, when someone is foolish enough to mine in Highsec, they don’t usually abandon their own Orca (which typically does not contain an overclocked interceptor). Even in such a case, a sensible person doesn’t subsequently return, in a desperate attempt to recover lost assets. However, Gripen was rather abnormal, which meant he was perfectly normal in Highsec. Therefore, he once again tried to scam Tweeps.

Would Tweeps fall for Gripen’s trick? Would he trade an interceptor for just 15’000’000 isk? It was a tempting deal, but Tweeps had an even better idea. Perhaps Gripen would return for a photoshoot, and Tweeps solemnly promised that Gripen would be the focus of a multipart blog post. Gripen was flattered, and decided to turn his pod around and come back. Another apple, drawn by gravity, was about to fall.

To be continued…

***

As you know, the official state funeral for James 315 will be in Halaima, on Thursday July 23, at 23:00. Zaenis Desef started crying when he heard that James was dead, but he finally pulled himself together. Our leadership will lead us, and we will be fine. Always!

Well, let’s ask a random Highsec miner, what do the miners think about the death of their beloved Saviour?

Thank you Ruth! You know, some miners have been questioning my legitimacy, and I’ve been told it’s important to demonstrate my borthersome tendency for shameless self-promotion. Indeed, check out this ringing endorsement from EVE Online’s top twitch streamer, brought to you by the Coca-Cola Foundation!

Wow, these are some big shoes to fill, but I’ve got some big feet! James couldn’t have done any better than to pick me as his one true Saviourette. He saved a lot of people, but who saved James? That’s right, that’s right!

***

Anyways, I wanted to make sure that James knew he was dead, so I went and tracked him down on my livethot stream. He confirmed that he IS dead, and he will be attending his own funeral! Awesome!

Speaking of funerals, there has been some concern that Barry-Jean “Bert-Jay” Smithlesmoor (the man behind James 315) has actually died in real life. Don’t worry friends, Bert-Jay is just fine, and has merely moved on to a more lucrative and respectable hobby. 

The Best Revenge, Part 79

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… The elite warlord imperator of Goonswarm was baffled by a vehicular ordinance, designed to facilitate “ease of access” for emergency personnel, who might theoretically require sufficient operational space in excess of 500’000’000 nanometres. Quantum 140, aka Lil’ Bullet Big Girth, was so stingy and miserly, that he couldn’t fathom providing excess space. Would he ever obtain an adulting license without benevolent guidance?

Quantum would often blather on with long incoherent speeches, and meanwhile I might check my email, noting that some people believe this narrative has been invented. I dare say, if you don’t believe we have a highsec miner convinced he is the leader of Goonswarm, then you haven’t understood anything James has been writing about for the past decade. Highsec miners are a very special group, and quantum is a typical bot aspirant.

Unfortunately, as the international order collapsed under the weight of Chinese bioweapons and Maoist insurgencies, poor quantum found his health fading. He even sent pitiful X-rays to prove that he could no longer continue to finance Goonswarm. Alas, the great alliance might soon be left leaderless, teetering upon the brink of bankruptcy. However, when quantum realized the Mittani was counting upon him, he vowed to recover and return to the Battlespace. Would it be possible to expand, or was Goonswarm stuck in a rut?

If Goonswarm’s crack assault troops couldn’t conquer the galaxy, perhaps it was time for quantum to take the lead, like Napoleon at Lodi.

Acting as ‘Agent Anvil’, quantum was convinced he might employ a Nyx to draw enemy titans into a trap. Indeed, if EVE is a roleplaying game, then quantum is a mage-bard. He began preparing to simultaneously cast Abyssal Taunt VI in combination with Detect Spatial Traps IV.

Dear reader, are you wondering how to advance your own EVE career? The lesson should be obvious: find a Highsec miner, do it today, do it now. Shoot him, take his stuff, and seduce him with a fantasy of easy isk and infinite power. Remember, the Highsec miner drools in anticipation. He is the NPC, and you are the BumpMaster! If that doesn’t work, just offer to become his roady (or caddy) and agree to carry his stuff (all of it).

To be continued…

***

BONUS TEACHINGS: It has long been prophesized that a true princess would walk amongst the gankers, shewing unto bot aspirants that the CODE. has a soft feminine side, and demonstrating that miners are disgusting unto Her. Eww! If you haven’t attended your MinerBumping Sunday School recently, you might be super confused, and maybe you failed to notice this little miracle.

Talas Dir, a venerated prophet of the New Order, began his preaching at a time when the power of James was at a peak. No agent would dare question that James was the High King and venerated Saviour. Indeed, Talas did not reject the authority of James, and praised the “brilliance and intelligence” which “laid the foundation” for the New Order. However, Talas asked a question which shocked his listeners, “Where is James? Is James dying? Is it possible that James has already died?” Somehow, Talas knew.

If James were dead, who would succeed Him?

Some miners struggle with lengthy extemporaneous treatises upon the hegemonic nature of power. They thus imagined that James would pick a carebear as His successor. Fortunately, Talas prepared a succinct and compelling oratory which left no doubt that the Jamespocalypse was nigh. He slit the throat of a miner, bathed in tainted blood, and rejoiced at the arrival of a Saviourette. I agree with Talas, She seems pretty legit.

It is clear enough, either Talas was psychic, or someone told him. Perhaps James himself whispered unto Talas the Good News, so that none would doubt the Wisdom and Will. Due to peculiar paradoxes of faster than light communications, it is possible that James learnt of His own death, before He actually died! Indeed, this post was made on May 25, the same day that James acknowledged the deepest desire of His beloved princess .

No Father would hesitate to offer unto the Daughter that which she demanded. James thus concluded with blatant foreshadowing, which all agents of true faith recognized as a signal of what was to be…

“aiva’s council knew that one day they would log into the Discord channel and find it empty. If that happened, they would know that aiva had finally constructed a nuclear-powered, faster-than-light spaceship and gone off to explore the galaxy in real life.”

Yea verily, and the Discord channel was lain barren, and His disciples knew that the real Imperator of Goonswarm had gone off in real life!!! Farewell James, and Long Live the West Magnet! Cardboard is a vegetable!!!!!

***

If you wish to explore the numismatic and stoichiopsychometric basis of CODE. stichomancy further, remember His final missive, as James urged all agents to reread the entire corpus canon of MinerBumping. If you need the Idiot’s Guide, a good starting point is to chart the manner in which James wrote messages in the past, which would only be understood in the  future. For example, consider what He wrote on May 25, 2019

 

 

 

 

Apples in the Orchard

As James 315 observed, the galaxy was initially formed within a Hobbesian state of nature. The early capsuleers were divided between those who recognized the inherent nature of power, and those who would be inevitably subjugated by powers beyond their reckoning. I often encounter bears who fall into the latter category, such as Gripen ANM, whom we will learn about in this article. Gripen failed to understand that we make our own destiny. Which fate do you weave?

In my daily life, I spend more money on coffee, than on ganking. Indeed, a McDonald’s McChicken has more McValue than a whole fleet of Catalysts. This reality makes me spacerich. I’m a legit princess, and I’m Lovin’ it. Consequently, I am generally perplexed at the panic stricken isk-grubbing of the typical gankbear. Come now, friend, read the Code and rejoice. If you see a miner, and want his isk, then you need but merely reach out and take it. If this isn’t super easy, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

Torgo Tahn > Have any of you ever bumped an Orca so hard he ejected and warped off?

Torgo Tahn is a friend of Krig Povelli, and one day Torgo witnessed the unimaginable. This was not the result of any convoluted plot, or intricate metagaming scheme, but simply the result of Zopiclone asking a straightforward question about basic game mechanics. Instead of wasting time on the EVE University wiki, Zopi consulted an expert.

Theorycrafting, my friend, is for silly bears. Carpe diem! Therefore, Zopiclone and Torgo decided to find a local miner and test the effectiveness of ECM jammers. Naturally, they didn’t ask the miner for permission. Indeed, ancient samurai would often test their swords upon the peasantry. Likewise, when a farmer decides to prune his orchard, he doesn’t seek consent. This is the natural state of nature, and how any self-respecting ganker would behave. Whyfore wouldst thou negotiate with yonder tree? 

Long story short, Torgo bumped the apple tree, and out fell the fruits of his labour: five mining drones and an industrial command ship. Inside the Orca, Torgo found yet another augmented mining drone, along with a Stiletto and some other random spaceship! This is not unusual, as New Order agents routinely acquire isk without effort. Mother James will provide!


Torgo didn’t grind, he just did what James taught us to do – he minerbumped. If you have full faith, great things will happen! If you want a similar story, check out the Halaima Miracle, one of many such case studies. The moral lesson is clear. If you treat the miner as an adversary, you will struggle against inane carebear mechanics. However, if you recognize that the miner is a subhuman bot, then you will be victorious beyond your wildest dreams. Attitude is everything! Always!

If you are an incompetent and creatively challenged whiteknight, you probably feel bad for poor Gripen. However, Gripen didn’t even feel bad for himself. This isn’t surprising, because inanimate objects rarely feel bad, and Gripen actually saw this as an opportunity. Now that his Orca had been confiscated, he could finally get out of Highsec and move to Null, where he would surely get rich quick. Nothing excites a miner more than calculating his potential sweatshop wages.

There was only one problem. Gripen’s sole means of transportation was locked up inside the Orca. Without his fancy Stiletto, he had no means of even reaching Nullsec. Gripen wrote Torgo to ask if he could possibly get the interceptor returned, and Torgo decided to check it out. At this point, Torgo noticed that the ship’s capacitor system was highly modified, and t’was illegal. There was only one place the Stiletto could derive sufficient power, and that was from the brain of a bot.

Word spread of the illegal Stiletto, and a Tweeps alt named Cultural Center decided to invite Gripen for a FREE pod inspection, courtesy of Kalorned. Gripen eagerly accepted, as he was beginning to change his mind about not wanting those ships anyways.

To be continued….

***

SPECIAL REPORT, JAMES IS DEAD: The news has been spreading like wildfire. Our venerated Saviour has passed away, and gobloks are verily distraught. I have been told that a public funeral is currently scheduled for Thursday, July 23, at 23:00 in Halaima. Make sure to set your autopilot, and get ready for fireworks, lamentations, and a surprise appearance from the Saviourette herself! WoW! I am sure, if James were still with us, he would be most pleased with these festivities. 

Any new gankers, who wish to express their condolences, should immediately send one or twenty billion isk to the imperial quaestor of Goonswarm, Whadda Badasaz. He will ensure this money is used for the benefit of everyone. It has always been CODE. tradition that new gankers liquidate their assets as a sign of loyalty, and the funeral of James 315 is a perfect time to show full faith. Amen to that, and thank you Whadda!

Let us now hear from a miner:

That’s right! All miners are encouraged to begin moving their assets to Perimeter’s Tranquility Trading Tower, and bring their pods to Halaima. This is the event of the millennia, and you don’t want to miss it!

BONUS NEWS: When James 315 decided to relinquish all authority and lifeforce unto Princess Aiko, it was pretty clear he meant business. This wasn’t up for debate, and he issued an official memorandum.

For years, the succession was planned in meticulous detail, but it wasn’t merely a matter of bureaucratic reshuffling and the transfer of skill injectors, Overmind’s Orca, and a very special Stabber Fleet Issue. James wanted to ensure the peaceful transition of power. For this reason, he commissioned Alt 00 to paint an intimate portrait of the Princess Aiko, on the eve of her Ascendancy. In the classical Khanid style, this woodblock print shows the lovely Lady in her spidersilk kimono, contemplating the future of Highsec.

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 9

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on MinerBumping… Alt 00 exerted her supreme authority as Nakugard’s resident epidemiologist, enforcing a strict curfew and no fly zone. As always, she was supported by her trusty assistant, Alt 0. Unfortunately, several miners ignored the government advisory, and had to be put down for public safety.

As the miners were brought into the medical clinic for hygienic inspection, they were in awe of Alt 00’s beauty, and seized this opportunity to finally speak with a woman. As you might imagine, the miners were poorly socialized.

The infection was spreading rapidly, and Alt 00 feared the miners had little chance of recovery. When one aspirant was asked to prove he was not a bot, by purchasing a mining permit, the results were alarming. Alt 00’s medical notes describe the situation in clinical detail.

As Alt 00 was dealing with this goofus, another undocked…

The situation was continuing to deteriorate, and miners were dying like flies. Alt 00 summoned the local AFK council, urging them to stay inside their assigned quarantine stations. Indeed, it was for their own good. However, led by Coco Frost, the council was seduced by a desire for easy isk. It was much like the film Jaws, in which the protagonist struggles to clear a beach of parasites, while the local town council obsesses about tax revenue. How many would die before the council took action?

It was clear the miners could not be reasoned with. Therefore, it was time to make an example, showing that the mighty CODE. alliance would not and could not be ignored.

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 78

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, on MinerBumping… 140 aka lil’ bullet aka GewnFührer Naali has been measuring his girth, for reasons which have absolutely no connection whatsoever to irregular rental payments rendered upon the official agents of James 315, Landlord of the Delve.

In a mysterious Discord, Princess Butter Cupcake has also been struggling to teach Agent Anvil, aka FighterJets GuitarSolo 1000Years, aka quantum, how to drive a car. This was done so that the Suppercomputer might obtain a real job and have a real life in a real country doing real adult things like delivering real pizzas (and maybe even working in a real coal mine).

Although his brain was capable of articulating the finer points of interdimensional mechanics, and the application of fluid dynamics in a direct drill approach through the epicenter of Fort Knox in order to assassinate [REDACTED], quantum often struggled with the subtle nuances of the Vehicular Ordinance Code. Fortunately, our CODE. social workers are eager to help. Always!

As quantum’s tutor attempted to teach the fundamental difference between x>500 and x≥500, the other bigger students saw a chance to butt in and grab a little extra credit for themselves. As you might imagine, quantum was not happy, watching helplessly as Tweeps awarded himself a gold star and began strutting around like a huge peacock.

It wasn’t fair! Tweeps took the gold star, and quantum was left with nothing. Indeed, many miners struggle when reality does not fit neatly into their preconceived theories. They desire the ice and ore, and imagine it flowing deep inside, but they never quite connect the dots. Instead, quantum decided to prematurely terminate his education, and skip straight ahead to fantasy empire building, within a fantasy spaceship game. Indeed, his fantasy was a fantasy within a fantasy.


Class was dismissed, and the invisible beehive stirred busily into action, as lanceing fleet buzzed merrily out of the keepstar. It seemed that all was well in the Imperium, but the reality was that Goonswarm teetered upon the brink of bankruptcy. Quantum contemplated various means to balance the budget. Perhaps expenses could be reduced, or maybe increased?


In lieu of a sudden financial miracle, the only possible solution would be to generate maximal science fiction and thereby devise a wholly new fantasy reality within the fantasy within the fantasy.

Verily, if Scientologists can have faith in Xenu, then the Imperium can have faith in Aiva.

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: During the previous post, I revealed the manner in which former fans continually pester the General Secretary, nagging ceaselessly about what they would do differently, if only they could do anything at all.  Whereas my post on Thursday was “too short”, the post on Friday was “too long”. If this sounds like an episode of Goldilocks and the Three Bears, then you understand perfectly.

Let’s put on our real talk hat for a moment. Ok, look, if long self-congratulatory essays about myself and my inevitable victory are not your cup of tea, then you might be searching for another Princess. I thus present to you Pink_PrincessXX, better known by her ingame name: La Sirena Octavius.

As you will see, even La Sirena is a fan of the blog, exhibiting a noticeable reaction when she discovers a “not dodgy… rabbit hole”:  DistinctFascistPenguinPhilosoraptor Zoom in on that face and watch closely. Wait for it… that’s right, you know she likes us.

La Sirena went on to audition for the role of authentic CODE. princess, and I have to acknowledge that she might make a valuable member of the Bonus Brigade:  CheerfulSplendidClintSpicyBoytoy I’ll catch you in highsec! La Sirena was thus enjoying her new friends, and whoops!  LitigiousBelovedRabbitFurry

If I didn’t know better, I’d imagine that somewhere in EVE all the elite PvPers are sitting in a secret chat channel and having conversations like this:

Aiko Danuja > theres a streamer in local: https://www.twitch.tv/pink_princessxx
Aiko Danuja > in the tristan
SilverFoX Katelo > ok thx

Eventually, it was time to go, and La Sirena had to admit the truth: RenownedAnnoyingDogeChefAnnFrank At least she isn’t wasting her time in a mining barge, and we hope she enjoyed the chatroom PvP!

Inb4, “You have too much bonus content.”

 

 

 

 

 

Kage Rage

As the official CODE. secretary, I recently discovered 150 megabytes of salt…

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go New Year Lotto!!! Win your own Astero with only 5,28M to start your own explorations TODAY!!! 10more to go

Kageoni Atumaru > HyperNet offer: Corelum C-Type 10MN Afterburner HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 5MN Microwarpdrive HyperNet offer: Coreli A-Type 1MN Afterburner

Kagemaru Ingano > New Year Eve Lotto : Win your own Gila with 35M only

When you search through the voluminous CODE. archives, you learn to despise Jita, which clogs the chat logs with endless trash. I was looking for kage1982, but he wasn’t in Jita, at least not on this day. I needed to refine my search.

I eventually found him with the wayback machine…

Channel Name: English Help

kage1982 > Hi guys i redeemed my Skill points for the log on rewards but instead of applying them its given me an item i cant use or move

That’s right friend, we are always listening – always! Now that we know what we are searching for, we can easily pick him out of a crowd, even in Jita.

Steelbreaker Onzo > HyperNet offer: Rattlesnake HyperNet offer: Large Skill Injector HyperNet offer: Panther HyperNet offer: Golem HyperNet offer: Paladin less than 4 mil per node!

kage1982 > Ernst Steinitz off to kill your mates instead

TARANTUL BEL > Предложение гиперсети: @@@@@@@@@@Republic Fleet Medium Shield Extender*

EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Sobaseki
EVE System > Channel changed to Local : Isanamo

Sometimes he appears like a faint echo, far too late to affect reality…

[ 2020.05.22 21:17:03 ] Ernst Steinitz > No Permit = No Ship
[ 2020.05.22 21:17:20 ] kage1982 > watch for code

Occasionally, he is triggered, exploding like a bomb… In other cases, he will just give you the silent treatment.

Kinch Dedalus > how much is a permit?

kage1982 > code a bunch of grown men who have very sad uninteresting real lives so the pretend to be some authority on here going round attackign miners and other random players all to cover the shortfallings of real life where they are sad pathetic loosers who dont matter

Kinch Dedalus > sounds like you didnt have a permit

kage1982 > i can give you deatailed instructons of where to shove your permit

Blitz Kishunuba > i suggest you read the code

kage1982 > i sugest you shove a sansha ship up your arse

kage1982 > honestly i recon these sad twats go around telling folk they are “pro gamers” when in fact they a low class dole scum

kage1982 > best way to haze code is block their toons

When Overmind logged in to praise me and check if he was even still in CODE., Kage was already there, attacking the confused ‘agent’ with unprecedented accuracy.

kage1982 > Overmind Niminen you just sit there and cower in your station

Meanwhile, kage infiltrated the MinerBumping channel, where he boldly announced that he wasn’t intimidated by CODE.’s fearsome reputation. 

zander kage > honestly though rare i bother with this toon but thought id drop by to let you know what shitbags you are

zander kage > go on all you like about ganks son not phasing me

Your Awesum Brutha > Calm down miner

zander kage > proper noob tears of salt

Ernst Steinitz > Please calm down miner

zander kage > i drink your salty tears

Sun-Tzu Rollard > he is a tough guy

zander kage > you seem mad

Your Awesum Brutha > are you interested in buying a permit?

zander kage > are you interested in stopping crying?

Faster Eddy > lol, another day, another angry illegal miner

zander kage > calm down

zander kage > calm your salty tears

zander kage > calm down you seem mad

In a galaxy full of CODE. Space Bullies, one man is always ready to dish out the salt.

zander kage > im guessing you have to play space bullies because daddy isnt proud of you

To be continued…

Bonus Content: Pix Severus has recently decided to continue his blog, MTU Hunter. Check it out! As you know, mining structures will often explode and shower bystanders with miner bits. Some people enjoy “treasure hunting on a galactic scale”, and this hobby is certainly more respectable than mining in Isanamo.