Sales – Page 24 – ‎James 315 Space

Pay Your Rent

Every now and again, a new returning player will come to EVE, and they will decide to be a whale. They pay CCP a bunch of money, and CCP is happy to accept, because they know the New Order is here to balance the budget.

When James 315 made me the official executor of the mighty CODE. alliance, passing mechanical control into my dainty palms, he had one request, “Kill the miners. Kill them all. I don’t care if they are a two-day old noob Venture, or a Marshal, I want you to burn them out and utterly destroy them. That is my Will, and you are my little Sword of Restoration.” Well, I didn’t feel my dizzy self was up to it, but when the Supreme Protector gives you a direct order, you don’t sit around questioning His wisdom!

I was in a tizzy, unsure how to proceed, but people like Cargo Bandit heard my siren’s cry. They materialized out of abyssal space, ready and able to enforce the CODE. One glance at pokoko, and Cargo knew what to do.

It’s not easy dealing with miners. They lie, cheat, and try to scam us at every opportunity. pokoko didn’t want to pay 20 billion isk for her mining permit, even though it was offered at a fair and reasonable market rate.

pokoko joined my invincible Why Was I Ganked? channel, watching with uncertainty, wondering if permits and rental contracts are actually a valid part of EVE gameplay. However, as Blake McAllister of the honorable New Order Mining Authority conducted business, pokoko could see this is all routine. Unfortunately, pokoko is a tight-fisted Scrooge, and she roleplayed as a despicable poor.

Cargo knows how much I love the miners, just as James always did, and she mercifully offered a generous discount rate.

pokoko decided to play hardball, but Cargo offered a clear warning.

This got pokoko thinking. Maybe citizenship is desirable?

A valid CODE. mining permit guarantees safety in nullsec, lowsec, and jsec, and it also ensures absolute immunity across the entirety of Highsec!

pokoko could see the New Order is bustling, and the clock was ticking…

To be continued…

***

BONUS: The Saviour of Highsec is now a sexy Saviourette, and everyone has been wanting to show their unconditional love and support. Minerbitch thought long and hard, concluding that you should add SIMP 4 AIKO emojis to your Discord server. For one billion isk, you can have your very own submission tag.

After reviewing around one hundred variants, I finally settled upon my personal preference, which has a nice outline.

I like the attention. It makes James jealous.

The Best Revenge, Part 87

The Best Revenge Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James315.Space… Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka the Suppercomputer, was quarantined in Goonswarm’s Fuehrerbunker. Here, he was protected by Princess Aiko, and kept safe from Dolphin Don’s tweepsy Pandemic tentacles. He was also assisted by a friendly Slackbot, an automated farming system designed to keep avia fully informed of important news and developing events.

It wasn’t clear whether Fraternity was planning a haymaker offensive, or a mere tactical assault, but Slackbot had faith that Globby’s successor would understand how to deal with Goonswarm’s restless enemies.

As avia explained, channeling Sun Tzu, there are two methods of defending on a system size scale. You might dance around, warping here and there, until the enemy is bored to death. On the other hand, you can dock up, until they start pounding on Keepstars. Subsequently, you should chase them away! In either scenario, Slackbot advises regular hand-washing, to avoid ingesting germs and detrius.

A man of the people, avia would often pause to acknowledge the heroic efforts of common line members, praising them in his Message of the Day.

From time to time, Emperor avia, aka Agent Anvil, would read MinerBumping.com, where he noticed that the propaganda department was infringing upon matters of operational security. Therefore, he ordered Aiko to bop James 315.

Indeed, considering how many Keepstars and faction Fortizars have been lost, it is clear that James made a grievous blunder. Why didn’t he coordinate the message with his favourite ‘lil bullet? Now you understand why I had to bop James, as avia’s own theorycrafting has been turned against the mighty Federation!

avia enjoyed taunting his arch-nemesis, Pan Fam Joe, the lead theorycrafter for Pandemic Horde. At times, he would also deride CSM Sort Dragon. However, perhaps the goading went too far, as Pan Fam Joe and CSM Sort Dragon began to fill TEST executor Vily’s silly blonde head with thoughts of mutiny.

Many people believe that avia did not anticipate Vily’s treachery, but the archives show that avia expected TEST to cancel the non-aggression pact. Vily begged everyone to “please ignore” her mobilization, but avia saw through the deception. Indeed, in early May, the Kingpin began preparing for a two-front war against both Pandemic Horde and TEST. Praise be upon Emperor avia!

It is only through avia’s leadership, and restructuring of the Delve superhighway (with displaced renter ghettos), that we managed to halt the enemy and prepare our Great Counteroffensive. Verily, avia has full faith.

Vily is a robotic double traitor, and must be humiliated!

In order to crush Vily, avia developed the now famous fit tree design doctrine. As you know, class 1c ships form the bulwark of our line, supplemented by class1c1 long range and class1cs short range vessels. Meanwhile, class2c fit fast attack ships harass the enemy, distracting them from advancing class 3c sledge hammers. Behind enemy lines, class 4c fangs conduct unrestricted submarine warfare, whilst class 5 c mage battles provide field engineer /support. In reserve, to keep enemy titans at bay, class 1u ballquals are deployed to encumpis the hive. If James wasn’t forcibly retired, he probably would have revealed this doctrine prematurely, but we can now confirm that it caught Vily by surprise! Sources report that she is truly HUMILIATED by our glorious fit tree design fleet.

Of course, no doctrine is complete without a few trick fits…

To be continued..

Yes Mr Cheng

I’m overwhelmed, in way over my head.

I’m spinning in space, dizzy with success. This must be how Nikita felt, when he sent those missiles to Fidel. Sometimes, I briefly glance at my unread mails. Woah. Jump jump jump. My discord is constantly popping up @everyone @here and it’s just nonstop @Aikoaikoaiko. The wallet keeps flashing, and I haven’t answered the last one, but someone sent another conversation request. Primary is the Rattlesnake, secondary Leshak. My email is backed up too. My mom doesn’t really understand.

I’m sure she’ll be fine. She always said I could be anything, do anything. Why would I care about being Holy Roman Empress, when I am a Lady of Agil? So now my mom focuses less on what I might do, and is more concerned about what I’m doing, down in this dusty dungeon. Ever since I inherited the realm, I haven’t really done anything, except whatever I want. I used to enjoy knitting, but now my interests perplex her.

Something just seems off, about the whole situation.

She wants to understand. She thinks mining sounds relaxing, so she might make an account and give it a go. Indeed, she really enjoys Facebook Farmville. She also appreciates videos filled with flashing lights, purple dots, and red triangles.

Meanwhile, she has been reading the blogs. She just wants to make sure that VictorStark Stark isn’t hiding under my bed, hanging out with kage1982 and Rudokop. I think she gets it though. She even made a comment about the Russians, “Those poor farmers, they just want to farm!” Mostly, she’s glad that her little girl finally got married, even if it’s to a dead guy. Naturally, she understands the utility of a strategic espousal.

Every day, actually, and that’s insane. What was James 315 thinking? Also, mom, seriously – it’s miner with an ‘E’. Ok?

My friends have their doubts, but I know what’s best.

How else will the people learn about Yes Mr Cheng?

Together, we can save the miners, from themselves!

Mr Cheng is a helper. Always look for the helpers.

Some people will never understand the glorious creed of Halaima. When James sold mining permits, echobears thought permits should always be priced at exactly 10 or 30 million isk. However, they don’t call me the Saviourette for nothing, and I actually read the CODE. You know, every time you read it, you glean more wisdom. I’ve definitely read it more than you. I’ve read it more than James.

Since the Code is a living, breathing document, it’s not possible to fully enumerate all of the rules.

As the only person in New Order history to officially amend the CODE. of Halaima, it’s pretty obvious I wrote it, and know exactly what all the rules are. Let me boil it down and pour it on you, in its most concise form.

Your mining operations are entirely at my mercy.

It’s really that simple. So when Mr Cheng decided to seek a solution to intergalactic minery, he was invited to attend a Lawton School seminar on space law. There he met Princess Aiko, who taught him a sacred truth. Mining permits start at 10 million isk per year, but the actual retail price is sometimes higher.

There’s a lot which isn’t specifically addressed in the CODE. For example, did you know, miners are liars by nature? That’s a sacrosanct provision, which is so self-evident, James didn’t even bother to include it. I sincerely doubt a miner has ever been honest about anything. They just can’t do it. Mining is the greatest scam in the galaxy, and it takes a real hero (or heroin) to confront the inner bot.

They will say anything to avoid responsibility. In this case, Cherry refused to purchase her mining permit. That’s fine. Frankly, it’s preferable.

Mr Cheng might be bad at taking screenshots, and I suppose there’s a good reason James loved his classy little secretary. Regardless, I’m pretty sure this New Order thing is gonna keep going. CONCORD just can’t stop us.

Goofus complains about Princess Aiko.
Gallant sends everything he has.

The Best Revenge, Part 86

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously, in James315.space… the High Lord of the Delve, Avia Naali, aka Aiva Naali, aka Fighterjets Guitarsolo 1000years, aka quantum, aka The Suppercomputer, was whisked away to his secret quarantine command post.

Although Agent Anvil, aka 140, aka the ‘lil bullet was under strict orders to maintain secrecy, he took distinct pleasure in reminding Pandemic Horde of his success, taunting them from Goonswarm’s elite counterintel blog.

Pandemic Horde’s top espionage agents studied his every word.

From time to time, Agent Anvil would send secret messages.

Alas, he misspelled the encryption key, and nobody could decipher his communique.

Fortunately, quantum was willing to summarize with a brief tldr.

It was still partially encrypted.

The Gewnfuehrer inserted a lil speach.

He also adopted a foul mouthed vet type vibe, firing on a hapless Goon ganker.

Avia, aka AstevonWard OverGreer, was not impressed by ganking tactics.

As he concluded his lecture, delineating the now famous mad dog jelly fish tactic, 140 decided to donate some money to Goonswarm’s ecomimy.

To be continued…

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #215

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #214

I love hearing from tributaries. I especially like when they don’t trespass in my high security zone, and when they voluntarily send offerings from afar, formally acknowledging my absolute feudal sovereignty over the entire galaxy. It’s almost like some people want to see the mining caste erased, completely and utterly extirpated.

Sometimes, my subjects also seek a personal relationship with their Saviourette.

They don’t need to say a word. I understand.

I just hope everyone knows how to spell.

A lot of people wonder, as the most powerful woman in the galaxy, what do I enjoy the most? Dear friend, it’s not just the isk, sex, fame, and power. No, I’d say my favourite thing is the Highsec Miner Grab Bag. I find it relaxing.

Back in January, when James transferred me the logs and screenshots (dating all the way to 2003), I was absolutely amazed. I can enjoy this archive whenever I want, and oh boy, I sure do love these salted crabs.

Can you imagine??? Mining? Why?????

Honestly, what is wrong with these bots?

A lot of people enjoy EVE, but nobody likes a miner.

People claim that CODE. is irrelevant, but I’m not so sure.

I’ve got their sporadic attention.

Finished nasty slut, I’m your kind of fucking scum

They kinda like me.

Talcum on the level of your fucking mouth and in five condoms

However, I don’t really understand them.

You fucking horse, lover of wasp in dogs and cats. Learn the fucking creatures Russian, you are not worthy to talk to you, cocksuckers and cocksuckers, you fucking zoophiles

Nor am I especially fond of them.

PIDARASY YOU ARE ALL CODE, COCKES, SLUTS, ZOOFILES, YASH ROD AND ASS FUCKED ALL DIRTY ANIMALS

That’s why you were ganked, friend.

Truly, EVE has the best Soviet era content.

And you pissed shmuck, for the fact that your sixes attacked without warning, I am waiting for compensation, and I had 2 geckos inside.

Indeed, it’s great in any language.

I want to meet every Highsec miner…

…and I want to kill them all.

That’s what James would want.

It’s also what the miners want.

They love it.

They need it.

Let’s be completely honest…

…they truly deserve it.

Considering that Sirtech hasn’t quit the game, it’s fair to say CODE. has never caused CCP to lose a player. We provide content, and miners crave it.

The Best Revenge, Part 85

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… His grand excellency, aiva naali, aka 140, aka Kingpin, aka the Caravaneer, has been skyrocketing to super stardom. It’s always a total mindtrip, when you officially become leader of the most powerful alliance in the galaxy. I can only imagine how he must feel, to find himself standing astride the shoulders of giants. Indeed, aiva’s name is already engraved in the Hall of Heroes, alongside his esteemed peers: James 315, Leia Jadesol, Zaenis Desef, Kanye North, and the Mittani. Unfortunately, when his laptop suddenly exploded, everything came to a screeching halt.

Fortunately, via his cellphone, Agent Anvil, aka the nullsec nomad, was still able to access the official Goonswarm High Command discord.

Bzz. Bzz. Bzz. Go Goons!

It is the hub of the hive.

Everybody wanted to play EVE, but Wu Flu was spreading dark gloomy news across the galaxy, and Princess Aiko urged quantum to solve reality.

The Gewnfuehrer just needed three years, and some spare parts, to save New York. Governor Cuomo sends his eternal gratitude.

It was a true team effort, and Goonswarm’s leading industrial experts were summoned, to assemble all the required modules.

Princess Aiko urged quantum to do whatever it might take to save the world.

Just then, Tweeps interrupted with an important announcement.

As always, Princess Aiko kept James 315 updated on every nuance.

The new Slack channel was automated, perfect for quarantined leadership.

Although James intended to pass away, he wanted to ensure his ‘lil bullet was always guided with words of wisdom from above.

To ensure that quantum’s biological needs were fully met, James asked Aiko to join Quantum in the quarantine chamber.

Together, they would wait out the pandemic, just the two of them.

Aiva misspelled his own name, presumably to maintain operational security.

To be continued…

Thanks for the free isk, bro – Part 2!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was a happy bot, enjoying its Mackinaw and Harvester drones. Highsec is a good place for botting, or so 246624 calculated, before its Mackinaw magically disappeared. Where did the Harvester drones go? 246624 was instantly teleported to my wonderful chat channel, known to the EVE community as the greatest content funnel in the galaxy: Why Was I Ganked? Here, the bot appears daily, dutifully processing data and trying to discern reality.

Recently, 246624 receved an input request for 100 million isk, and its programming malfunctioned. Instead of the requested amount, 246624 sent a cool billion isk, and proudly displayed its new mining permit.

Most EVE players don’t consider selling a mining permit. Nobody actually buys those, right? A few gankers sell them for a measly ten million isk, but why stop there? 100 million? A billion? Dear reader, some miners will pay 100 billion, and that’s no joke. I could tell that 246624 was ready to become a nullsec nomad.

I used to work in sales, and I’d have the boys fill semi-trucks with whatever they could toss in. They’d pack crates sideways and wedge them in tight, so you couldn’t even unload, and I definitely sent all that banged up merchandise from when the tower of money collapsed (because illegal Javier backed a forklift into the pyramid). Just read the contract closely friend, and good luck getting your stuff out of the truck, before the driver charges overtime. I guess it was all damaged in shipping? Just file a claim, friend, we’ll get that taken care of right away! I really appreciate your business, friend, it’s been a real pleasure! People would be calling in crying, got the wrong item, so sad, wrong color, wrong size, doesn’t work, paid way too much. Friend, that’s how it’s done! Please hold. Always!

246624 was confused. Why would anyone want to hurt a bot? However, I like to play fair, and made sure that 246624 knew exactly who it was talking to. Look, I’ve been yapping for nine years about this whole New Order thing, but some miners just aren’t willing to pay attention. That’s not my fault, friend. I kindly linked my coronation speech. Turn up the volume and listen closely, there’s a hidden message!

I even showed 246624 the EVE learning curve. I’m up here bulldozing miners, and crucifying them in the name of James. Are you a miner?

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one’s perspective), the bot simply could not compute these cold equations. All it really wanted was to use excavator drones in Highsec. Wouldn’t that be nice?

It was time to start playing EVE, and 246624 was in for a treat.

The Mackinaw is fully fitted, right? Of course, friend! I would never gouge a bot.

Here, friend, have a Maller! I’m happy to help.

I wanted to sell a stack of drones for 3 billion, but 246624 was running out of money, for some mysteriously inexplicable reason.

I had to do some quick math… 400 million?

In a spooky space channel, I admitted that my success in EVE is utterly surreal.

246624 got the Mackinaw, but something was apparently wrong.

I wanted to help, but what happened?

Is there a terrorist cult in EVE Online?

We must defeat the evildoers!

246624 was inspired by her Princess.

All miners must rally to the orange banner!

Bots are lucky to have powerful friends in Highsec.

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

The Best Revenge, Part 84

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Listening to: Smooth Jazz for Grownups

Previously on James315.Space… aiva naali, aka His Excellency Supremo the High Lord Grand Generalissimo, has long been the strategic mastermind behind Pandemic Horde’s crushing defeat. As the archmaester of Goonswarm, our ‘lil bullet is determined to achieve maximum efficiency within the Grand Armadee.

Agent Anvil gives the orders, and Princess Aiko executes his will.

A mere woman, the Princess is a loyal servant, but sometimes she interprets the orders a little too literally. She is still learning how to do her job.

The Mittani himself, as you may recall, had to personally intervene in order to ensure she was properly transmitting orders. When Mittens asked why lanceing fleet was moving so slowly, her answer left a lot to be desired.

The entire offensive ground to a leisurely halt.

Fortunately, there was some good news.

Just then, disaster struck!

The imperial suppercomputer had seen better days.

Via his cellphone, quantum informed High Command that he would need a little time, before he could return to the battlespace.

Meanwhile, there were other pressing issues.

Princess Cupcake urged quantum to save humanity.

Was this the end of quantum’s best revenge??? Would Pandemic Horde survive to fight again? Was the end of the world nigh at hand?????

To be continued…

BONUS: CCP Rise has drawn a CODE. police skin for the Atron!

Thanks for the free isk, bro!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was programmed to lose Mackinaws and Harvester drones. It became a kill of the week, winning a FREE bonus escalation with Princess Aiko. Your official Saviourette often thinks about how much she thinks about herself, and proceeds to write about her glorious reign, because frankly it’s rather interesting. You should be doing what I’m doing, because then you wouldn’t be a poor. I’m actually trying to help. You can do this, if you have faith in the CODE.

It’s important to realize that miners, especially Highsec miners, have absolutely no idea what they are doing. CCP has scammed them into this theme park horrorshow, and the poor souls stumble from one confusing encounter to another. If you are one of these miners, searching Google to discover just what the CODE. is all about, just let James 315 explain what to do. It truly is possible to calm down and stop failing daily. On the other hand, if you already ran into me, it’s probably way too late.

It all comes down to faith. Do you believe in James, as a God, who created Highsec for his beloved Princess? Do you accept that all things, all stars, all planets, all spaceships, all miners, all of everything is permanently trapped in the spider queen’s web? If you can believe in that, then you can also understand that spiders eat flies, scorpions sting frogs, and wolves hunt fat bears. A swarm of bees can kill a rattlesnake, no doubt. This is what we do, friend. Some people fail daily, but others win daily. What side are you on?

In the beginning, James created Eve Online. The game was formless and boring, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of the VCBees was hovering upon the ice. And James said, “Let there be Aiko,” and there was Aiko. James saw the Princess was good, and he separated her from the foolish miners. So James created Aiko in his own image, and in the image of Helicity and the Sheikh he also created her. James blessed her and said to the faithful, “Be fruitful unto her and multiply, fill the galaxy and subdue the miners. Rule over the crabs, and be a destruction unto them.”

When I first met 246624, I just wanted to be friends. That’s all I really want. Some people say that I’m the greatest scammer in the history of EVE, Kelroth certainly thought so, but really I just like to please others. That’s why Erotica 1 proposed to me, in real-life. The secret truth is I’m just a fun girl who enjoys knowing that spaceships are exploding (even though I can’t see them), and I kind of like watching my isk score tick up to infinity. I think what James really wants is that I buy a bunch of Catalysts, and I’m trying my best, but mostly I just want a friend. So don’t go out there and ‘scam’ miners, just be their new best friend! In EVE, the best ship is friendship, and I’m gonna take as many as I can get.

If this is you, then you are playing EVE wrong. 200 million isk has a value of like $2. Buy PLEX in bulk, save your time, and let’s be friends. You don’t want to be grinding away for five cents an hour. No wonder miners get so grumpy when I dunk their mining ship! Just buy PLEX, and skip mining — easy! Or you can be like me and Zopi, soaring endlessly in the arms of the VCBees. We don’t need to mine in a Rorqual, or rat in a C6, because we are farming Highsec. I earn the dankest tics in the game.

246624 struggled to communicate. It had never met actual people before.

However, as we thanked the bot, it began to synthesize the heart-warming gratitude and thanks. 246624 carefully computed the messages, and recognized that its sole purpose is to provide friendship unto me.

The bot quickly scanned the entire corpus of New Order literature, and immediately understood that the mighty CODE. alliance is a true friend of the miners. Naturally, 246624 anticipated that it would soon be sent on its merry way, once its blingy mining vessel was returned (along with the missing drones).