True Love

Some miners are unhappy.

They think I’m a b-word.

They don’t like my alts.

They think I’m bad for the economy.

I’m just super scary.

I’m a space bully griefer, in real-life.

I’m here to kill newbros, in ships that can’t shoot back.

I actually am a b-word, in real-life.

I run with a tight little clique.

I know how to keep these boys happy.

So I’m gonna kill all them defenseless miners.

Ya know?

You love it.

You love my alliance.

You love me!


What is even happening?

Miners get all worked up.

They know they done wrong.

I know what they need.

It’s all they think about.

In any language, they say the exact same thing.

I make them so excited.

I just want them to be content.

My mom reads the blog.

Even she makes fun of miners.

They are losers.

We are winners!


Miners say a lot of strange things.

They do a lot of weird stuff.

They don’t seem to understand EVE.

They are basically losers.

There’s only one way to save them.

First, we must find them.

Next, we put them out of their misery.

Then, we sell them a mining permit.

Afterward, we collect additional taxes.

They seem to enjoy it.

I can’t complain.

I’m gonna save all the miners!

They deserve Safety.


Why ? ??

You might be wondering…

Why Was I Ganked? is the best channel in EVE.

It’s a place where miners experience Safety.

They are often confused about why they were ganked.

Sometimes, they are new players.

Sometimes, they are returning newbros.

Sometimes, they are space lawyers.

Sometimes, they are distracted.

Sometimes, they are horny.

Sometimes, they are having a medical emergency.

Regardless, no matter why they were ganked…

…I’m always happy to help.

Their EVE experience has changed forever.

They have learned an important lesson.

The future burns brightly.

Be well!

Kelroth, Part 4

Kelroth, Part 1

Previously, in the Princess Diaries... Kelroth found a new friend in Princess Aiko, and squeaky Sievert Solutions began to cry, as Kelroth transfered billions and billions and billions to Aiko and her IRL friends.

Aiko’s main watched with amazement, as her Highsec trade alt’s ganking alt suddenly experienced a rapid isk influx, supplanted by large quantities of skill injectors (which were promptly sold on the Jita market). It wasn’t long before Aiko’s other alts were getting in on the intense gameplay.

The transfers kept coming, and a party atmosphere prevailed, as Kelroth invited the best gankers and scammers in the galaxy to come take his stuff. There was little doubt that Kelroth was snorting lines of pure crystalline cocaine, as he he happily indulged Aiko in beautiful renditions of I’m a Barbie Girl and Behind Blue Eyes.

The party went on, day after day. Everyone (except Sievert) was amused, as Kelroth rained PLEX, isk, and injectors down upon Teamspeak (with the sad exception of Sievert, whom Kelroth found annoying).

Eventually, everyone agreed to join Kelroth’s mining fleet, and help out the various newbros who had been convinced to join DarkStar Reprocessing.

Something went horribly wrong.

It was a dark day for DarkStar.

Kelroth had given all his money to Aiko, Lovin, and BigTits. He couldn’t afford any SRP for his miners, and the corporation was on the brink of insolvency.

To be continued…



Don’t Quit!

A lot of miners think we are cheating.

They believe we are space bullies.

However, we’ve never forced someone to stop playing.

We want them to keep enjoying the game.

We especially love newbros.

I would be sad if I made someone leave.

What would EVE be, without iconic players like FARTSTINGER II?

Greedy carebears deserve to pursue their dreams.

Without miners, who will build our spaceships?

We appreciate their dedication.

Every miner is a cherished member of our community.

Please don’t uninstall.

Mine on!

See ya!