Kage Rage, Part II

Previously, on James 315.Space... kage1982 was reaping a bountiful harvest of CODE. salt. As the alliance archives began to overflow, one intrepid space secretary investigated the tumult in sunny Isanamo.

kage1982 > JAMES 315 CAN SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > 315 SUCK MY BALLS

kage1982 > DEATH TO THE CODE

kage1982 > I AM THE LAW

Krig Povelli > Sounds like he might be broke

kage1982 > GO FUCK YOUR SELF

Koiso Komatsu > such a goofus

kage1982 > NONSES

Since 2012, the mighty CODE. alliance has offered free spelling and composition coursework for illiterate miners, available for just three billion isk per hour. kage1982 was determined to master multisyllable words, and eagerly enrolled at our award-winning Isanamo campus.

Ernst Steinitz > Some miners never learn

MINERBITCH > leeson done lernt

Knowledgeminer > LOL that kage1982, he was still mad?

Ulianov > yes

Knowledgeminer > I cannot imagine how mad he must be

Ernst Steinitz > he blocked me

On occasion, Kage would participate in solitary spelling bees…

[ 2020.05.29 19:18:57 ] kage1982 > BABY
[ 2020.05.29 19:18:59 ] kage1982 > GO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:00 ] kage1982 > ALL
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:02 ] kage1982 > NIGHT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:09 ] kage1982 > SOMETIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:12 ] kage1982 > ANYTIME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:15 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:16 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:18 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:22 ] kage1982 > LITTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:25 ] kage1982 > MISS
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:28 ] kage1982 > AH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:31 ] kage1982 > INNOCENT
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:34 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:36 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:39 ] kage1982 > YEAH
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:40 ] kage1982 > YEHA
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:45 ] kage1982 > SO
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:51 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:53 ] kage1982 > TAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:54 ] kage1982 > A
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:57 ] kage1982 > BOTTLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:19:59 ] kage1982 > SHAKE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:00 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:01 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:06 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:07 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:09 ] kage1982 > BUBBLE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:12 ] kage1982 > BREAK
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:13 ] kage1982 > IT
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:15 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:25 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:27 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:29 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:30 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:32 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:34 ] kage1982 > IN
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:35 ] kage1982 > THE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:37 ] kage1982 > NAME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:38 ] kage1982 > OF
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:41 ] kage1982 > LOVE
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:43 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:44 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:45 ] Andross Kaelen > Kill: Diana Denisowna (Leopard)
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:46 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:51 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:54 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:20:57 ] kage1982 > CMON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > FIRE
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:01 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:04 ] kage1982 > UP
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:08 ] kage1982 > POUR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:09 ] kage1982 > SOME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:10 ] kage1982 > SUGAR
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:12 ] kage1982 > ON
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:13 ] kage1982 > ME
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:16 ] kage1982 > I
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:18 ] kage1982 > CANT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:20 ] kage1982 > GET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:25 ] kage1982 > ENOUGH
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:30 ] kage1982 > IM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:31 ] kage1982 > HOT
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:33 ] kage1982 > STICKY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:35 ] kage1982 > SWEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:39 ] kage1982 > FROM
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:40 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:42 ] kage1982 > HEAD
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:43 ] kage1982 > DOWN
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:47 ] kage1982 > TO
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:50 ] kage1982 > MY
[ 2020.05.29 19:21:51 ] kage1982 > FEET
[ 2020.05.29 19:25:11 ] Sexy Shower Time > You have a unique way of creating content

He would also practice his maths…

[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 1
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:40 ] kage1982 > 2
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:41 ] kage1982 > 3
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:42 ] kage1982 > 4
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:43 ] kage1982 > 5
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:44 ] kage1982 > 6
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:45 ] kage1982 > 7
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 8
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:46 ] kage1982 > 9
[ 2020.05.29 19:33:48 ] kage1982 > 10

…and kage joined the campus choral club…

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM ADDING CONTENT

kage1982 > I CAN DO IT SO I WILL

kage1982 > IM SAVING EVE THROUGH SONG

Krig Povelli > I would like to request “I’m Blue” by Eiffel 65

[ 2020.05.29 20:01:00 ] kage1982 > heres
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:01 ] kage1982 > the
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:03 ] kage1982 > story
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:05 ] kage1982 > about
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:06 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:07 ] kage1982 > little
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:09 ] kage1982 > guy
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:10 ] kage1982 > who
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:11 ] kage1982 > lives
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:12 ] kage1982 > in
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:13 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:15 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:16 ] kage1982 > world
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:19 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:20 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:21 ] kage1982 > day
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:25 ] kage1982 > all
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:27 ] kage1982 > night
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:29 ] kage1982 > everything
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:30 ] kage1982 > he
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:31 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:33 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:34 ] kage1982 > just
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:36 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:38 ] kage1982 > like
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:43 ] kage1982 > him
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:45 ] kage1982 > inside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:46 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:50 ] kage1982 > outside
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:53 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:55 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:01:58 ] kage1982 > house
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:00 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:03 ] kage1982 > his
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:05 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:07 ] kage1982 > window
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:09 ] kage1982 > a
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:11 ] kage1982 > blue
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:15 ] kage1982 > corvette
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:22 ] kage1982 > and
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:40 ] kage1982 > every
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:42 ] kage1982 > thing
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:43 ] kage1982 > hje
[ 2020.05.29 20:02:46 ] kage1982 > sees
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:10 ] kage1982 > is
[ 2020.05.29 20:03:12 ] kage1982 > just

As I proceeded with my investigation of the Isanamo incident, it wasn’t yet clear whether kage1982 is a goofus, but I was beginning to discern a pattern. Without naming any names, I’ll just call this the Pearl River syndrome…

To be continued…


BONUS CONTENT: I was recently relaxing in the elite director’s only Omegle channel, where I was angrily confronted by one of our former fans. After a thoroughly autistic meta-analysis, they were shocked to discover that the previous blog post had been stepped on! Although the length was a respectable 712 words, fully 15% was copied and pasted from Jita local and the English Help channel. Yikes! Can you imagine snorting a line of your favourite blog, and then realizing that you are done for the day? Double yikes! This is precisely what Stephen King was concerned about when he wrote Misery. Don’t worry miner, just send a few billion isk to James 315, and I’ll get you some of the good stuff.


BONUS ENDORSEMENT: If you aren’t an ASL voice verified Marshal of the Old Guard, you might be wondering whether the Good News is true. Has the blog returned, to save us all again? Well, last night on the Twitch, an official space angel descended from the Heavens to speak unto Zaenis and unmute the Word. Full faith or no faith, always!

Praise James, cuz you ain’t that average groupie!

 

 

Kills of the Week

A lot of people have been wondering, if this is an authentic blog, then where are the kills of the week? Well, here are some kills that happened between one point of time, and another arbitrary moment, over the course of approximately a week.

 

Lapsh dared to show his fat face in Jita, and he got dunked by CheytanElRagim, Jayden Kusion, and Amallea (along with a few of their good friends). That’s just another red line in Silent Company’s long killboard history…

 

NO COL was flying her salvage Golem in Piekura, where she got told NO by Gankzter McGankFace, Ivanna GanksChu, and GankzPewPew. Great job!

 

Likewise, Macus Irrelium was commanding his salvage Paladin in Avyuh, when he had a ruh roh with Shadow Fireball, Void Delivery Service, and Evil Marxist. Well done, and thanks for the free salvage!

 

TieLight was operating his Aeode ORE Mackinaw in Luminaire, when he got deleted by Ulianov and Shilliam Watner. Awesome work!

 

Biggy Din put a blingy tier II warpcore stabilizer on his ORE Hulk in Kaunokka, but he got destabilized by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. Here’s a pro-tip: If you are AFK, you won’t be able to warp away.

 

popetown thought she was safe in the null tutorial zone, where she got snuffed out  by MIC Improvise, Codeysatfa, and SidtheKid100. Next time, she should try farming in an empty wormhole.

 

ChostDog was surprised to lose his 2.5 billion isk Vargur in Apanake, where he got obliterated by Whadda Badasaz, Shadow Cyrilus, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Shadow Defiance. That High-grade Crystal Omega sure was expensive… but what does it do?



As queen regent of the galaxy, many miners have been coming to me with their concerns and questions. Most recently, Martin Lockheart was crying because he claimed a ‘funeral procession’ as his excuse to smuggle a war fleet through our high-security zone in Molea. Our friends in Hell Dawn were there to offer their condolences, but LeiLong Pong noticed something suspicious about the ‘hearse’.

That’s right, it didn’t even have a mining permit.

Martin appealed directly to my sentimental nature, stating that the ‘funeral’ was for a beloved miner: binette evingod. I checked to see if she was naughty or nice.

I’m sorry, but bots don’t get funerals.

When you go to hell, expect Hell Dawn.

A New Blog, for a New Order, Part 2

Miners have been celebrating the apparent demise of our beloved MinerBumping. Indeed, it is the end of an era. For the first time in nearly a decade, they have begun imagining a Highsec without the invisible hand of James 315. Has the Father of the New Order finally logged out forever? Have the miners won?

Of course, this is nothing new. Soothsayers have been predicting the disappearance of their Saviour since time immemorial.


However, this time, it feels different. With the conclusion of MinerBumping, rumors and speculation run rampant. Some miners insist the Imperium has cancelled the embargo of Dodixie, and ice freighters claim free transit through Uedama. Others claim there is a new blog, and even a new James, or is it the anti-James? What are we to believe? Who can we trust?


Recently, Jesus has been grappling with these very questions, and the moderators of Rookie Help have been forced to relax their censorship, so new players may fully digest the momentous changes which are coming down the pipeline. Meanwhile, antiganking carebears have descended upon the vulnerable MinerBumping channel, spreading toxic heresies.
 

Jesus, if you are listening, I want you to know that I am here for you. You may call me the old James, the new James, or no James at all. Some miners speak of a trinity, formed by James the Father, the joyous spirit of the AGBees, and a not so mysterious third party. Regardless, the shareholders have enshrined our Code as a constitutional law, which ensures a peaceful transition from one blog to the next. Rest assured, my dear CodeAnons, we will leave no miner behind.

In Grab Bag #212, the Lord Protector spake thusly:

These Goofuses don’t even understand how government works.

Now, I know what you are wondering. As the miners have bent the knee, accepting the auspices of civilization, just what kind of government have we established? I tell you this, friend, it is a republic – if you can keep it. With the cherished democratic principles of the shareholders, and the voice of the people represented by the Code, I have supreme confidence in the future of our great democratic people’s republic.

Our first order of business is clear enough. We must ensure that the miners do not relapse, forgetting their most gracious master, who has set them free from the shackles of bot aspirancy. The freedom to exist also implies the freedom to fail daily, and many miners are already taking advantage of this opportunity. Some believe their deliverance is at hand, talking about the mighty CODE. alliance in the past tense, as if we no longer existed. 

The miners may be confused, but we know the solemn truth. Our historic revolution may be complete, but we have already begun our second great revolution. Indeed, it is our humble duty to export this unceasing revolution throughout the galaxy, and safeguard it against the counter-revolutionary rantings of the miners and their carebear brethren.

Without MinerBumping to guide them, many miners have already begun relapsing, endlessly reliving painful memories of their awkward adolescence. Naturally, these simpletons are convinced our glorious victory has  no discernible impact upon their wretched lives.

A few sillies, sensing the disappearance of Minerbumping’s omnipresent gaze, have begun openly confessing to grotesque crimes.

The most foolish have naively concluded that this is their time to shine, and are dizzy with delusional ‘success’. 


Indeed, a lot of miners have been celebrating, and it’s been one long Juneteenth. Fortunately, the shareholders are ready for a new era of renewed success, ensuring that our benevolent governance of Highsec will not be undermined by those who reject the Code.

Can you imagine? The sheer audacity of this rebel, pretending that he doesn’t even know what a permit is for.

Ah, but he knows… The antiganker may not realize he is failing daily, but he most assuredly understands what the permit is for.

It is, of course, for him.

 

A New Blog, for a New Order

Previously on MinerBumping

Hello there, old friend… and a Merry Fourth to you! Hey, why don’t you come in, and stay awhile? Pardon all the dust, I’ve been remodeling. There’s been a lot of newfangled changes, and… you want to discuss the New Order? Well my, that’s quite a subject, where should I begin?

“…a whiny highsec miner is hardly capable of writing history; his participation is limited to having his profanity-laced tears collected and published in a coherent narrative…”

Less than a fortnite ago, I was a humble agent of the Order, joining fleets and having beers with the boys; I even played Minecraft with Loyal. Naturally, I always wanted to know what it was like in the trenches, but as a daughter of the New Order, my ascension was inevitable. Always!

Boyo, those were the days…

Do you remember William Greer, of Pearl River?

“Which brings me to those who still have questions about a world in which there are no new MinerBumping posts. For one thing, there is great prestige to be had in going back and reading everything again from the beginning.”

Of course, if you are too busy or illiterate to read your complete annotated guide to EVE history, Angelos Mortis has concisely summarized an Idiot’s Guide to MinerBumping. Thank you kindly, Angelos!

Not to blare my own trumpet, but MinerBumping is quite a blog. One of the great works of non-fiction. What’s that? You want a sequel? Oh my… I don’t know about that friend, writing is a lot of work and surely I’ve got better things to do with my valuable time…

“It’s a great time to think about how awesome the Code is and how lucky we all are to be experiencing it… As unimaginable as it is, I’m going to help you imagine a world without the Code.”

Scary, eh? That’s what happens when you lack full faith! Fortunately, the mighty Code is more powerful than any miner, and shall always be enforced by those who have the will and (more importantly) the ability. As Sun Tzu once said, “When people see a strong horse and a weak horse, by nature, they will like the strong horse.” That’s reality my friend.

A lot of Highsec miners have been afraid. Without the guiding light of our Saviour, who will save them? Did they really think He was gone? Did they really think He is AFK? As you know, your local highway police will document the shameful exploits of a goofus, and plaster their foolish face upon a billboard. Our fair government understands that public shaming is not a form of cruel bullying, but merely the only appropriate reaction. 

Oh dear. What can I say? Calm down miners.

Anyways, why don’t you come back tomorrow, and we can talk about all this foolishness. Would you like that? 

To be continued…

 

 

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