Apples in the Orchard, Part 2

Previously on James315.Space… Highsec miner Gripen ANM was disturbed by Torgo Tahn bumping his Orca, demonstrating best practice techniques for Zopiclone. Gripen panicked, abandoning his Orca, five augmented mining drones, and an illegally modified interceptor. Although Gripen didn’t want that Orca anyways, he needed his Stiletto, in order to escape Highsec. When Torgo deduced that Gripen must have a blingy capacitor implant, Kalorned and Tweeps decided it was time for a formal pod inspection.


Gripen was alarmed when a Tweeps alt, Cultural Center, explained that the interceptor had already been offered as tribute unto Princess Aiko, the official heiress to James 315. However, if Gripen didn’t get the Stiletto back, then it would be impossible to dodge gatecamps and warp bubbles. How would he escape Highsec? Fortunately, Aiko graciously offered to return the Stiletto. Therefore, Gripen hurried back in a Condor, but Cultural Center was alarmed by Gripen’s failure to purchase a mining permit. As Gripen’s pod warbled unsteadily in orbit around the interceptor, Kalorned sent a K-name to investigate.

Gripen kept trying to scam Cultural Center, attempting to board his interceptor, before paying his taxes. Eventually, the frustrated Gripenbear clambered aboard his Condor, and prepared to depart. At this very moment, Krominal suddenly appeared in a gold-plated Amarrian destroyer. With a holy blaze of multifrequency photons, the Condor’s sins melted away , once again revealing Gripen’s naked pod. Alas, CONCORD bots quickly arrived, and Krominal was unable to conduct a closer inspection of the pod. Gripen warped off, amplifying everyone’s curiosity about just what exactly was hidden inside.

For any normal individual, none of this would have happened, because normal people don’t mine (especially not in Highsec). In the rare instance, when someone is foolish enough to mine in Highsec, they don’t usually abandon their own Orca (which typically does not contain an overclocked interceptor). Even in such a case, a sensible person doesn’t subsequently return, in a desperate attempt to recover lost assets. However, Gripen was rather abnormal, which meant he was perfectly normal in Highsec. Therefore, he once again tried to scam Tweeps.

Would Tweeps fall for Gripen’s trick? Would he trade an interceptor for just 15’000’000 isk? It was a tempting deal, but Tweeps had an even better idea. Perhaps Gripen would return for a photoshoot, and Tweeps solemnly promised that Gripen would be the focus of a multipart blog post. Gripen was flattered, and decided to turn his pod around and come back. Another apple, drawn by gravity, was about to fall.

To be continued…

***

As you know, the official state funeral for James 315 will be in Halaima, on Thursday July 23, at 23:00. Zaenis Desef started crying when he heard that James was dead, but he finally pulled himself together. Our leadership will lead us, and we will be fine. Always!

Well, let’s ask a random Highsec miner, what do the miners think about the death of their beloved Saviour?

Thank you Ruth! You know, some miners have been questioning my legitimacy, and I’ve been told it’s important to demonstrate my borthersome tendency for shameless self-promotion. Indeed, check out this ringing endorsement from EVE Online’s top twitch streamer, brought to you by the Coca-Cola Foundation!

Wow, these are some big shoes to fill, but I’ve got some big feet! James couldn’t have done any better than to pick me as his one true Saviourette. He saved a lot of people, but who saved James? That’s right, that’s right!

***

Anyways, I wanted to make sure that James knew he was dead, so I went and tracked him down on my livethot stream. He confirmed that he IS dead, and he will be attending his own funeral! Awesome!

Speaking of funerals, there has been some concern that Barry-Jean “Bert-Jay” Smithlesmoor (the man behind James 315) has actually died in real life. Don’t worry friends, Bert-Jay is just fine, and has merely moved on to a more lucrative and respectable hobby. 

The Best Revenge, Part 79

The Best Revenge, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… The elite warlord imperator of Goonswarm was baffled by a vehicular ordinance, designed to facilitate “ease of access” for emergency personnel, who might theoretically require sufficient operational space in excess of 500’000’000 nanometres. Quantum 140, aka Lil’ Bullet Big Girth, was so stingy and miserly, that he couldn’t fathom providing excess space. Would he ever obtain an adulting license without benevolent guidance?

Quantum would often blather on with long incoherent speeches, and meanwhile I might check my email, noting that some people believe this narrative has been invented. I dare say, if you don’t believe we have a highsec miner convinced he is the leader of Goonswarm, then you haven’t understood anything James has been writing about for the past decade. Highsec miners are a very special group, and quantum is a typical bot aspirant.

Unfortunately, as the international order collapsed under the weight of Chinese bioweapons and Maoist insurgencies, poor quantum found his health fading. He even sent pitiful X-rays to prove that he could no longer continue to finance Goonswarm. Alas, the great alliance might soon be left leaderless, teetering upon the brink of bankruptcy. However, when quantum realized the Mittani was counting upon him, he vowed to recover and return to the Battlespace. Would it be possible to expand, or was Goonswarm stuck in a rut?

If Goonswarm’s crack assault troops couldn’t conquer the galaxy, perhaps it was time for quantum to take the lead, like Napoleon at Lodi.

Acting as ‘Agent Anvil’, quantum was convinced he might employ a Nyx to draw enemy titans into a trap. Indeed, if EVE is a roleplaying game, then quantum is a mage-bard. He began preparing to simultaneously cast Abyssal Taunt VI in combination with Detect Spatial Traps IV.

Dear reader, are you wondering how to advance your own EVE career? The lesson should be obvious: find a Highsec miner, do it today, do it now. Shoot him, take his stuff, and seduce him with a fantasy of easy isk and infinite power. Remember, the Highsec miner drools in anticipation. He is the NPC, and you are the BumpMaster! If that doesn’t work, just offer to become his roady (or caddy) and agree to carry his stuff (all of it).

To be continued…

***

BONUS TEACHINGS: It has long been prophesized that a true princess would walk amongst the gankers, shewing unto bot aspirants that the CODE. has a soft feminine side, and demonstrating that miners are disgusting unto Her. Eww! If you haven’t attended your MinerBumping Sunday School recently, you might be super confused, and maybe you failed to notice this little miracle.

Talas Dir, a venerated prophet of the New Order, began his preaching at a time when the power of James was at a peak. No agent would dare question that James was the High King and venerated Saviour. Indeed, Talas did not reject the authority of James, and praised the “brilliance and intelligence” which “laid the foundation” for the New Order. However, Talas asked a question which shocked his listeners, “Where is James? Is James dying? Is it possible that James has already died?” Somehow, Talas knew.

If James were dead, who would succeed Him?

Some miners struggle with lengthy extemporaneous treatises upon the hegemonic nature of power. They thus imagined that James would pick a carebear as His successor. Fortunately, Talas prepared a succinct and compelling oratory which left no doubt that the Jamespocalypse was nigh. He slit the throat of a miner, bathed in tainted blood, and rejoiced at the arrival of a Saviourette. I agree with Talas, She seems pretty legit.

It is clear enough, either Talas was psychic, or someone told him. Perhaps James himself whispered unto Talas the Good News, so that none would doubt the Wisdom and Will. Due to peculiar paradoxes of faster than light communications, it is possible that James learnt of His own death, before He actually died! Indeed, this post was made on May 25, the same day that James acknowledged the deepest desire of His beloved princess .

No Father would hesitate to offer unto the Daughter that which she demanded. James thus concluded with blatant foreshadowing, which all agents of true faith recognized as a signal of what was to be…

“aiva’s council knew that one day they would log into the Discord channel and find it empty. If that happened, they would know that aiva had finally constructed a nuclear-powered, faster-than-light spaceship and gone off to explore the galaxy in real life.”

Yea verily, and the Discord channel was lain barren, and His disciples knew that the real Imperator of Goonswarm had gone off in real life!!! Farewell James, and Long Live the West Magnet! Cardboard is a vegetable!!!!!

***

If you wish to explore the numismatic and stoichiopsychometric basis of CODE. stichomancy further, remember His final missive, as James urged all agents to reread the entire corpus canon of MinerBumping. If you need the Idiot’s Guide, a good starting point is to chart the manner in which James wrote messages in the past, which would only be understood in the  future. For example, consider what He wrote on May 25, 2019 …

 

 

 

 

Kills of Another Week

Oh boy, here are some kills of a week which is lawfully defined from July 12th @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 18th @ 23:59 EVEtime. Juneteenth is almost over, but our Agents are working hard to celebrate the official funeral of James 315, which will be held in Halaima, at 23:00 on Thursday, July 23.

***

Lucas C-S flew his 23 billion isk Charon through Jita, daring James to return from the dead. Well, James didn’t come back, but Gandaraka Tekitsu, Josh Kusion, Justin Kusion, and Firebush called Lucas out on his disrespect.

***

Darth Me decided to play the villain, with a 2.7 billion isk Paladin, which could have shot back. Gallente Ambrye, Lisa Tears, Alt 00, Aiko Danuja, and Shadow Cyrilus defeated Darth with ease, before he could finish sipping from his 72oz coffee mug. I am told that Shadow cried out on voicecomms, “That’s a kill of the week!” He was right. Clamp your hands!

***

Jake Steell was trying to steal ore, with his blinged out ORE Gistum Ingenii Hulk. Everyone’s favourite ganker, Guybertini, showed up in a Naga  and closed the pool. I’m a little new to being Saviourette and Queen Regent, so you’ll have to excuse me, but I don’t even know what an Ingenii Ice Harvester Upgrade is? Is there a genii inside each upgrade? Sometimes, I feel like someone at the CCP sales office is deliberately trolling miners.

***

Ronin Savage was hauling another load of mining garbage to Jita, when he ran into a CODE. traffic inspection in Isanamo. Unfortunately, Ronin forgot to purchase a mining permit, and his EVE University cloak trick malfunctioned. Consequently, he was arrested by Felix Hausdorff, Augustus De Morgan, and Niels Henrik Abel. Good lads.

***

Kukushka96 was storing a skill extractor inside a Venture, when he was surprised to discover that Jita is an arena of elite PvP. EVEPPAPGA was there to help Kukushka learn to stay docked.

***

Regger Skillhamma was mining in Kamio, with his illegal Mackinaw, when he couldn’t remember the safeword . Safeword is Harder was eager to play, squeezing Regger’s pod and extracting 5.4 billion isk. Remember, the High-grade Ascendancy Omega does “nothing, in and of itself”.

***

URGENT COMMUNIQUE: Now that I have officially amended the Code, we have been awaiting acknowledgement from the Central Committee. I am pleased to inform you that our Chinese brothers have rejoiced at the First Amendment, and the Old Guard has begun publishing a little red book.

The Chinese gankers said the original Code, as translated, left them with uncertainty. Do we intend to gank miners, or just lay down with them and intermarry into perpetuity? Our First Amendment clarifies the matter, and has caused the Code to gain even more authority, which was surprising since I could not imagine such a thing were possible. I have even heard they are reciting the Code in a distant galaxy, which is both elite and dangerous. Amazing!

Here are my favourite passages from the New Order’s New Chinese New Code of New Halaima:

一个人也绝不会为瘟疫和传染病提供庇护的温床

烧毁他们的堡垒 屠杀他们的朋友 驱逐一切不接受救世主智慧的人！

Stirring picture noodles!

Yes, friend, you heard me right. The merging of the servers has not merely brought the Chinese mining bots, but the Chinese gankers are coming as well, and they are thrilled to rally under the banner of Princess Aiko, who has most graciously declared a Greater East Asia Co-Ganking Sphere.

 

Apples in the Orchard

As James 315 observed, the galaxy was initially formed within a Hobbesian state of nature. The early capsuleers were divided between those who recognized the inherent nature of power, and those who would be inevitably subjugated by powers beyond their reckoning. I often encounter bears who fall into the latter category, such as Gripen ANM, whom we will learn about in this article. Gripen failed to understand that we make our own destiny. Which fate do you weave?

In my daily life, I spend more on coffee, than ganking. Indeed, a McDonald’s McChicken has more McValue than a fleet of Catalysts. This reality makes me spacerich. I’m a legit princess, and I’m Lovin’ it. Consequently, I am generally perplexed at the panic stricken isk-grubbing of the typical gankbear. Come now, friend, read the Code and rejoice. If you see a miner, and want his isk, then you need but merely reach out and take it. If this isn’t super easy, then you are definitely doing something wrong.

Torgo Tahn > Have any of you ever bumped an Orca so hard he ejected and warped off?

Torgo Tahn is a friend of Krig Povelli, and one day Torgo witnessed the unimaginable. This was not the result of any convoluted plot, or intricate metagaming scheme, but simply the result of Zopiclone asking a straightforward question about basic game mechanics. Instead of wasting time on the EVE University wiki, Zopi consulted an expert.

Theorycrafting, my friend, is for silly bears. Carpe diem! Therefore, Zopiclone and Torgo decided to find a local miner and test the effectiveness of ECM jammers. Naturally, they didn’t ask the miner for permission. Indeed, ancient samurai would often test their swords upon the peasantry. Likewise, when a farmer decides to prune his orchard, he doesn’t seek consent. This is the natural state of nature, and how any self-respecting ganker would behave. Whyfore wouldst thou negotiate with yonder tree?

Long story short, Torgo bumped the apple tree, and out fell the fruits of his labour: five mining drones and an industrial command ship. Inside the Orca, Torgo found yet another augmented mining drone, along with a Stiletto and some other random spaceship! This is not unusual, as New Order agents routinely acquire isk without effort. Mother James will provide!


Torgo didn’t grind, he just did what James taught us to do – he minerbumped. If you have full faith, great things will happen! If you want a similar story, check out the Halaima Miracle, one of many such case studies. The moral lesson is clear. If you treat the miner as an adversary, you will struggle against inane carebear mechanics. However, if you recognize that the miner is a subhuman bot, then you will be victorious beyond your wildest dreams. Attitude is everything! Always!

If you are an incompetent and creatively challenged whiteknight, you probably feel bad for poor Gripen. However, Gripen didn’t even feel bad for himself. This isn’t surprising, because inanimate objects rarely feel bad, and Gripen actually saw this as an opportunity. Now that his Orca had been confiscated, he could finally get out of Highsec and move to Null, where he would surely get rich quick. Nothing excites a miner more than calculating his potential sweatshop wages.

There was only one problem. Gripen’s sole means of transportation was locked up inside the Orca. Without his fancy Stiletto, he had no means of even reaching Nullsec. Gripen wrote Torgo to ask if he could possibly get the interceptor returned, and Torgo decided to check it out. At this point, Torgo noticed that the ship’s capacitor system was highly modified, and t’was illegal. There was only one place the Stiletto could derive sufficient power, and that was from the brain of a bot.

Word spread of the illegal Stiletto, and a Tweeps alt named Cultural Center decided to invite Gripen for a FREE pod inspection, courtesy of Kalorned. Gripen eagerly accepted, as he was beginning to change his mind about not wanting those ships anyways.

To be continued….

***

SPECIAL REPORT, JAMES IS DEAD: The news has been spreading like wildfire. Our venerated Saviour has passed away, and gobloks are verily distraught. I have been told that a public funeral is currently scheduled for Thursday, July 23, at 23:00 in Halaima. Make sure to set your autopilot, and get ready for fireworks, lamentations, and a surprise appearance from the Saviourette herself! WoW! I am sure, if James were still with us, he would be most pleased with these festivities. 

Any new gankers, who wish to express their condolences, should immediately send one or twenty billion isk to the imperial quaestor of Goonswarm, Whadda Badasaz. He will ensure this money is used for the benefit of everyone. It has always been CODE. tradition that new gankers liquidate their assets as a sign of loyalty, and the funeral of James 315 is a perfect time to show full faith. Amen to that, and thank you Whadda!

Let us now hear from a miner:

That’s right! All miners are encouraged to begin moving their assets to Perimeter’s Tranquility Trading Tower, and bring their pods to Halaima. This is the event of the millennia, and you don’t want to miss it!

BONUS NEWS: When James 315 decided to relinquish all authority and lifeforce unto Princess Aiko, it was pretty clear he meant business. This wasn’t up for debate, and he issued an official memorandum.

For years, the succession was planned in meticulous detail, but it wasn’t merely a matter of bureaucratic reshuffling and the transfer of skill injectors, Overmind’s Orca, and a very special Stabber Fleet Issue. James wanted to ensure the peaceful transition of power. For this reason, he commissioned Alt 00 to paint an intimate portrait of the Princess Aiko, on the eve of her Ascendancy. In the classical Khanid style, this woodblock print shows the lovely Lady in her spidersilk kimono, contemplating the future of Highsec.

Farewell, Old Friend

With regret, I learnt of his passing, and naturally my first thought was to secure the divine secession. However, as Juneteenth concludes, I find myself fondly remembering James. I knew him not merely as High King, but as a humble man who truly loved his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend. He held me when I was tired, consoled me when I was distraught, and carried me on Stalingrad. The death of a king is no laughing matter, but we must persevere. We shall carry the torch, held high. Always!

I present now the Eulogy Speech of Alt 00, as delivered in the ice catacombs.

***

Friends, Agents, Comrades!

I address you from the sacred system of Halaima. Three weeks have passed since the news was received of our crushing victory over Highsec. And yet this same news carried the burden of a great sorrow, as we learned of The Saviour’s passing. Many of you ask, what next? Surely if we have won EVE, then our mission is completed? Yet many are eager to fight on, and for good reason.

We are now the sole custodians of each and every citizen throughout New Order sovereign space. With this power comes great responsibility. For without James 315‘s benevolent guidance, New Order territory risks falling to the capricious whims of an unhinged, megalomaniac dictator.

Those Agents who bravely defend Highsec against mindless destruction, indiscriminate looting, ruthless extortion, and malevolent cruelty – you have all ensured the continued survival of our glorious civilization. Without your presence, EVE itself is surely without purpose!

Under the auspices of The New Order, Highsec continues to prosper and thrive. Illegal miners are being apprehended and dispatched. A new blog has arisen. Newly minted Agents have been added to our ranks! But Highsec cannot be allowed to fall into a state of tyranny.

These are uncertain times, and Alt 00 stands at a fork in the road. She could power down her Neutron Blasters, and allow Highsec to fall to the miner. Or, with your blessing, she can play her part in protecting our civilization from this wicked and malevolent entity!

But I am just one Agent. And so I call upon you now. Yes, Highsec has been conquered. But she is not yet at peace. We must safeguard her future. We must save EVE from the menace of the miner. To that end, I hereby declare the following emergency powers and reforms, to be implemented thusly, and with immediate effect.

Edict I
It is a well documented fact that mission runners, haulers and anti-gankers are in reality, miners. In a similar vein, James 315 once proclaimed; “The miners are quite literally less than human. They deserve to be wiped out, every last one of them”. With this in mind, all citizens within Highsec, (ie, miners), must hereby be recognised as, and treated as equals. All forms of discrimination must end. Every citizen in Highsec has a right to be treated as one collective. Miner lives matter. In the interests of fairness and equality, all miners must be destroyed. These miners must purchase mining permits.

Edict II
I must be somewhat frank in this matter and insist that compassion and mercy towards miners and their associates have no place in The New Order. Code violating vermin must be recognised as such, and exterminated. One does not take home a rabid animal as a pet. Neither does one nurture an infectious disease. And thus I hereby pronounce one outcome, one perfect solution – all miners must be destroyed. Leia Jadesol is exempt, because we are friends.

Edict III
Clemency and compassion are hallmarks of The New Order. When a miner sheds a tear, it is because they are suffering. A suffering miner is a hopeless miner – they can only pray for a passing Code Agent to put them out of their perpetual misery. Therefore we can reasonably conclude that, in order to eliminate suffering in Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Enslaved miners who offer regular tribute to our Agents are protected from extermination, provided they follow The Code. Enslaved miners may avoid extermination.

Edict IV
This final edict deifies James 315 as The Lord and Creator of Highsec. From this day on, an unlimited number of sacrifices shall be made to The Creator. The miner shall be culled! Drive his anger and madness to the surface. Sear his flesh in the radiant splendour of our antimatter. Such is the path to lasting peace and forgiveness. Out of love for Highsec, all miners must be destroyed. Miners who offer tithes, goods, chattels, prayers, and ongoing tribute may be granted clemency.

If a miner is found hiding in our ranks, make an example of them! Burn their citadels. Slaughter their friends. Banish all those who do not accept The Saviour’s wisdom. These same miners have the audacity to declare, behind our backs, that we are the criminals! That YOU are the criminal! They are delusional maniacs. Strip them of their ostentatious modules, and put those miners to the sword.

***

Such a beautiful and lasting tribute, especially edicts II, III, and IV which fully elucidate the deep love and passion James felt for the common miner. Indeed, James himself drafted these laws, decreeing that those who suffer the miner shalt be purified alongside the bot. May we always strive to follow his Will, and may these official edicts eternally suppress counter-revolutionary heresy. It is thus, as Queen Regent and Saviourette of Highsec, I hereby declare that Alt 00’s speech is forever appended to the Code, and shall proudly be known henceforth as the First Amendment!!! Glory to James and the Old Guard! May he rest in peace, and may miners always find the help they need!!!!!

For those who have not yet had the opportunity to say goodbye, there will be a public service next week in Newe Halaima, as we prepare to send our king through the wormhole and straight to Hek (where he belongs). I will now conclude with the final words of James 315, as I was the only Princess with him in those last moments, during which he sang joyfully and voluntarily extracted himself unto me,

“Ceterum, autem censeo fossoribus esse delendam.”

In James’ name, Amen.

Kage Rage, Part 4

Previously on James315.Space… Salt farmer kage1982 was systematically humiliating the mighty CODE. alliance. Indeed, CODE. agents were horrified to find that kage led a multialt alliance of Maoist rebels, who began conducting a successful #MLM protest in the MinerBumping channel.

kage1982 > Greeting CODE sinners, worshipers of James “20 chins” 315
Krig Povelli > Oh, are you still crying, miner?
kage1982 > Krig Povelli miner you sound mad
Artemis Borovetski > We taking control now
Artemis Borovetski > miners rise up
Adonis Onzo > MINERS RISE UP!
Artemis Borovetski > Everyone out here is an asshole.
God Emperor Kane > i know im one…
kage1982 > God Emperor Kane miner you seem mad, are you mad?
kage1982 > God Emperor Kane your salty tears are drowning the chat miner

Growler Dude did some research, and discovered a dark secret…

Growler Dude > https://zkillboard.com/kill/55114200/ butthurt since 2016. When CODE strikes, the scars are forever
kage1982 > Growler Dude wow miner your stalking skills are very good, takes some level of obsession to do that

After losing his Hulk to The Conference Elite in 2016, kage fled to Nullsec, where he lived like a barbarian and gradually succumbed to the Great Logging Off. However, when the Pandemic of 2020 forced kage into quarantine, he decided to once again return to New Eden and spread his virulence. Even worse, he somehow got it into his foolish RNA that he should replicate in Highsec.

In Uemisaisen (adjacent to Isanamo), kage thus decided to establish his farm, harvesting trigrats and selling them in the markets of Jita. Unfortunately, he failed to obtain a mining permit, and was arrested by Ernst Steinitz . These facts certainly outline the chronology of events, but yet the investigation has thus far unable to determine what kage Ernst was so upset about.

Unlike Ernst, kage1982 simply wasn’t upset at all.

Sensing weakness, and bolstered by an army of Chinese bots, kage1982 was prepared to lay siege to the CODE. naval yards in Isanamo…

To be continued…

Kage Rage, Part 3

Previously, on James315. Space… The Secretary General was sorting through the archives, where she discovered that kage1982 was extracting salt from members of the mighty CODE. alliance. How did this happen? Who was kage1982, and how was he so successful?

Much of kage’s salt farming operation was centered upon Ernst Steinitz, and kage relished that he could collect so many tears from Ernst.

kage1982 > greetings code sinners
Ernst Steinitz > Greetings
kage1982 >  calm down miner this is no place for your salty tears

On occasion, kage would put out a bucket and collect the “nosne” and “nonse” of other CODE. agents.

Your Awesum Brutha > Calm down miner
kage1982 > shut up sinner
kage1982 > blah blah blah miner blah blah jame blah blah blah mum wants me to pay rent now
Ernst Steinitz > poor kage
kage1982 > shit your draws then didnt you nonse
Ernst Steinitz > How are we today, kage?
kage1982 > shush nonse the adults are talking
kage1982 > quiet kiddy fiddler go back in your station
Your Awesum Brutha > Miner, you seem confused
kage1982 > you seem like nonse
kage1982 > still going on about that nosne
Your Awesum Brutha > still crying about that nonsense?
kage1982 > hardly crying about you being a nonse

The further one digs into the tale of kage1982, the closer one comes to an epicenter of pure nonse.

When kage wasn’t practicing his spelling, he worked on his numbers…

Ulianov > he did it at least 2 times
Ulianov > he spent hours doing so
Ulianov > started to count to 100
Ulianov > and started again when failing

I was eventually able to pinpoint the precise reason for kage1982’s mental breakdown source of kage1982’s salt extracting superpowers, by tracking him down inside another channel…

Channel Name: English Help
Session started: 2020.05.19

kage1982 > hey folks has the event skill points bug not been fixed yet?
Pedro Caesar > soon lol
kage1982 > soon how soon?
ebies > tomorrow ™
kage1982 > they said that yesterday
ebies > kage1982 but “tomorrow never comes”
kage1982 > aye true ive already lost 2 months of my life to lockdown

Driven mad by plagues, quarantines, prolonged isolation, and incompetent CCP project development, kage doubled down on highsec mining, and took a little trip to Lonetrek. It was not long before he would be returning to the channel, with a slightly different question…

Channel Name: English Help
Session started: 2020.06.23

kage1982 > how do you find out how much kill rights cost?
kage1982 > how do you know how much the prcie of kill rights are?
kage1982 > can anyone answer my question on kill rights

Something terrible must have transpired, between May 19 and June 23, which turned kage1982 into a relentless salt farmer. At one point, all he wanted was free skill points, but now he was wholly obsessed with killrights and the abject humiliation of Ernst Steinitz.

kage1982 > cunts
kage1982 > james 315 is a fat twat’
kage1982 > they are a bunch of c**nts
kage1982 > PEOPLE OF Isanamo THIS IS THE LAW

kage1982 > HIS CAUSE IS NOTHING BUT AN EXTORTION RACKET
kage1982 > TELL CODE WHERE TO SHOVE THEIR PERMITS
kage1982 > FREE EVE
kage1982 > CODE COWER IN Isanamo
kage1982 > james 315 is an extortionist skumbag
Ernst Steinitz > Please calm down miner

When kage grew tired of extracting salt from Ernst, he would travel to Jita and spread the Word…

Isaiah Bhaalgorn > HyperNet offer: Gila
MAMKIN PLEXOGOLIK > Предложение гиперсети: Large Skill Injector*
Zoona Proximo > HyperNet offer: Zarmazd
kage1982 > minerbumping <<<<<< join this channel and mock code
Alex ppt > HyperNet offer: Rattlesnake
Ysera Lux > HyperNet offer: Vindicator 20/48
Quick Viva > [Несколько предметов]
kage1982 > hand up if you hate the CODE
Cemile Gultepe > HyperNet offer: Machariel Blueprint
SouthKenny Park > [Multiple Items]
Roman Gustov > HyperNet offer: Naglfar Blueprint (Original) 379/512 NODES REMAIN!
kage1982 > IF YOU ALL HATE CODE CLAMP YOUR HANDS
Choomop > HyperNet offer: Revelation
Cracked Actor > HyperNet offer: Anshar / Nidhoggur / Thanatos / Marshal
Sigi Dijkstra > Предложение гиперсети: Praxis*

Naturally, he would extract salt from Erotica 1 alts…

Lily Delta > 5 mil recieved, 10 mil sent back! Check my BIO for more info!
kage1982 > Lily Delta still chattin shit
Judas Orland > [Stolen Corp Loot! Must sell Fast!!! Quick Profit! ONLY 9.5 BILLION ISK]
Lily Delta > 1 bil recieved, 5 bil sent back! Check my BIO for more info!
kage1982 > Lily Delta shut up
Radswanka Lebowski > HyperNet: Marshal / Thanatos
Lily Delta > Want to try the game, but afraid it’s a scam? Check out the screenshot in my BIO!
kage1982 > ^^^BULLSHIT SCAMMER
Astant en Bauldry > »»» HyperNet offer: Pithum A-Type Multispectrum Shield Hardener «««

I was starting to wonder, not that kage seemed upset, but just what might he theoretically be upset about?

IllumuIll Estemaire > kage1982 who ganked your venture?
Koizumi Taira > just go zkillboard… it was far from Venture.
kage1982 > ooohh salt again yay
kage1982 > proper noob tears of salt that cant take what you give out

To be continued…

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 10

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on James315. Space… Alt 00 sought to protect the miners from their own self-inflicted pestilence, but the Chinese botting virus claimed a morbid toll. Alt systematically purged the system with neutron blasts, dissembling the virus before it could replicate, but would this be enough to save Nakugard? As unrepentant miners continued to resist best practice safeguards, Alt decided it was time to make an example.

As James 315 once observed, “Highsec miners are like a box of chocolates. You never really know what’s inside until you tear the box open.” Some miners are idon’tcare bears, and other miners are goofus bears, but Cassiopaia Fondana was a cringy crybear. According to zkill, she lost an estimated $0.54, enough to feed her entire village for a week. I recently got a breakfast taco for $1.50, and I can only imagine how I might feel if Alt 00 grabbed a third of it. Cassiopaia’s lip trembled.

As Cassiopaia stared in dismay at her half eaten ice cream cone, melting on the concrete and already attracting ants, she began to realize that she would never, never, be able to play with her retriever ever again. Oh dear, she might be able to buy another retriever, but it just wouldn’t be the same barge, and tears began to well up in her sensitive eyes. Goodbye fair retriever, goodbye old friend…

Cassiopaia dealt with the situation just as she might deal with a similar crisis in real life. She began to stomp her feet, and gesticulated with her flailing hands. It was precisely the example Alt 00 intended, as the other miners began to notice a commotion.

 

It was precisely at this moment that Alt 00 made a power play, demonstrating once and for all the almighty power of the Code, praise be unto James on High!
 

Cassiopaia knew she would never see her barge again, and her wailing became increasingly shrill. Fortunately, she was invited to the premier Why Was I Ganked? channel, where New Order agents were standing by to help her.

Meanwhile, Cassiopaia continued to rend her garments in Nakugard local…

Everyone in Nakugard could see what happens when you disobey the safety regulations of the New Order, and they watched in horror as Cassiopaia gnashed her teeth.

The hapless bot was soon reduced to mere repetition in all channels…

The other miners did not want to wind up like Cassiopaia, and agreed it would be best to dock up and respect the quarantine. It was, as they say, another happy ending for the New Order. The ice floated free, unmolested and untainted by the foul mining pestilence.

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 9

The Plague of Nakugard, Part 1

Previously on MinerBumping… Alt 00 exerted her supreme authority as Nakugard’s resident epidemiologist, enforcing a strict curfew and no fly zone. As always, she was supported by her trusty assistant, Alt 0. Unfortunately, several miners ignored the government advisory, and had to be put down for public safety.

As the miners were brought into the medical clinic for hygienic inspection, they were in awe of Alt 00’s beauty, and seized this opportunity to finally speak with a woman. As you might imagine, the miners were poorly socialized.

The infection was spreading rapidly, and Alt 00 feared the miners had little chance of recovery. When one aspirant was asked to prove he was not a bot, by purchasing a mining permit, the results were alarming. Alt 00’s medical notes describe the situation in clinical detail.

As Alt 00 was dealing with this goofus, another undocked…

The situation was continuing to deteriorate, and miners were dying like flies. Alt 00 summoned the local AFK council, urging them to stay inside their assigned quarantine stations. Indeed, it was for their own good. However, led by Coco Frost, the council was seduced by a desire for easy isk. It was much like the film Jaws, in which the protagonist struggles to clear a beach of parasites, while the local town council obsesses about tax revenue. How many would die before the council took action?

It was clear the miners could not be reasoned with. Therefore, it was time to make an example, showing that the mighty CODE. alliance would not and could not be ignored.

To be continued…

Kills of a Week

As we adjust our weekly cycle in accordance with the moons, we find ourselves contemplating a week which is vaguely defined between July 5 @ 00:00 EVEtime through July 11 @ 23:59 EVEtime…

Cosmina 1 was loading her Rhea in Jita, when everything went tits up, thanks to Firebush, Ayannae, Bob Mechanic, and Jayson Kusion. A lot of miners don’t respect our friends in Goonswarm, and I suggest those bots read the Code.

Some Chinese botters thought they could hide their Azbel, but they soon had visuals of Chicken Soup, Ms Ruby, Artio Celts, and SidtheKid100. Apparently CODE. actually does go into null sec, where they seem to do rather well.

T’dara read the preceding Kills of the Week, and realized that salvage marauders are no longer part of the meta. However, she still got dunked, by Eva Mavas, Shadow Redemption, Seamus Scrapmagnet, and Aiko Danuja.

Like most all miners, vorlextia just wanted to get rich the easy way. After taking an EVE University course on mining, she skittered off to Niarja and got dunked on by Pod-Goo RepoWoman and Aaaarrgg. I guess ORE Strip Miners aren’t that good at PvP.

characterID 95623671 took the same EVE University course, and decided to fit its Ore Strip Miners unto a Hulk. What could possibly go wrong? Hillbilly-2000, Just-Another-Code-Alt Auralis, and Daystalker 2020 were happy to help the bot uninstall.

nimbadhe didn’t trust banks, and decided to hide his isk inside a pod. He was surprised to encounter our outfit, getting blapped by Aaaarrgg. That name sounds really familiar.

BONUS CONTENT: Nor Relbats was recently mining in Jufvitte, when he encountered a New Order destroyer. He believed his Orca was safe, until suddenly he was confronted by a New Order battleship. Oops!



It appears Nor did not learn his lesson, nor was his artificial intelligence capable of adapting. Indeed, a few minutes later, his alt Ron Relbats had an identical experience. I guess Orcas aren’t safe in highsec?