Category: Sales

A hard knock

OFFICIAL NEW ORDER ANNOUNCEMENT

As your Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce a promo contest.

I would never want my actions to conflict with the infallible judgment of James 315, so I cleared this with him via seance, and the ouija planchette pointed at me. I suspected that Kroppina was manipulating the board, but Alt 00 saw it move autonomously. This demonstrates that James truly loves me. I also sat for three hours in a dark room, watching a candle, and it flickered when I whispered his name. Once again, this confirms beyond doubt, that I am the one true heiress to anything and everything.

With great power comes great responsibility, and it is my duty to officially endorse this contest. James wouldn’t want us to merely sit in station, docked up and praising his name ad nauseam. He always detested sycophants, who need him to authorize each and every decision. Nor is he satisfied with those who merely undock and gank. He expects us to be civil, creating art and culture, beyond the bare minimum. I know this, because we are intimately mind melded, forever and ever. Amen.

I agree wholeheartedly. I have absolutely no interest in EVE Online, but I have every interest in the Order. This galaxy was once ruled by a fickle demon, the cheater BoB. James killed this beast, and a swarm of bees emerged from BoB’s dusty hole. In this way, the galaxy finally became interesting, and with the help of the VCBees (and a certain Khanid princess), James saved everyone from eternal boredom.

Once upon a time, Katia Sae decided to visit every star system, and took screenshots to document her journey. This sounds absolutely dreadful, mainly because Katia refused to engage in any actual gameplay. When other spaceships appeared, she would simply log out of her client, waiting for them to go away. In some cases, a stalemate would last weeks, and it took more than a decade for Katia to navigate her tiresome path. CCP likes to celebrate this ‘amazing’ journey, but it’s really just a testament to how incredibly boring EVE can be. Some players literally spend years doing nothing much.

Alani Prinz offers 315 Catalysts, to whomsoever submits the best photo. Since the rules are unclear, I will make them up as I please. Our contest will continue for at least one month, and there must be contestants. Images should be high resolution, and full screen. Furthermore, they must show someone doing something honorable, like piloting a Catalyst or dunking a Venture. As an example, Alani submitted this fine image.

***

Of course, a Saviourette’s work is never done.

Mrs Curtain is a plebeian of Hard Knocks, which rents several wormholes from me. When she accidentally fell out of her hole, Ernst kindly evicted her.

James would be proud, to know that Ernst is still out there, keeping Highsec safe from riffraff and vagrants. Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain did not appreciate his hard work. Instead of paying rent, she tried to scam him!

Ernst is no stranger to wormholes, and he sternly advised Mrs Curtain to speak with her feudal overlord. Educate yoself!

As you should know, Loroseco is a powerful friend in j-space.

If you ever get suspicious, that everyone in the galaxy is conspiring against you, well — they probably are (the exact same people).

Unfortunately, Mrs Curtain doubted the truth.

Someday, she will learn the hard way (again).

*WARNING*

Yonder day of judgment be nigh at hand!

 

 

 

 

 

100 Billion!

As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.

That’s right.

This is some high praise!

I’ll allow it.

I like when people pay me to endorse myself.

Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.

I imagine she will continue.

I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.

When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.

Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.

In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.

As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.

Of course, friend.

We also had a big party in Teamspeak.

Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.

Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.

We had a super swell time.

Eventually, all parties come to an end.

Let’s do it again!

I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.

Let’s just kill the bears.

All of them.

HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

 

 

 

 

 

A Few Questions

Why do we do it?

Sometimes, it takes a while for the miner to wake up.

AGBee 001 was busy ganking freighters, but she could spare a moment.

The Wayfarrer had finally found his way.

Without a doubt, Agent 001 is one of the best.

The price was most reasonable.

It wasn’t a hard decision.

CODE. compliance is easy.

Another satisfied customer!

Congrats miner!

***

BONUS: Fortuna Avarice Cash has promised to stop antiganking!

***

DOUBLE BONUS:I love these boys.

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 90

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… Lord Star Emperor avia naali, aka aiva naali, aka Astevon, aka Hazen Koraka, aka the Suppercomputer, was determined to secure his rank as grand doctrineer and Void Marshal of the Imperium. He also gave a speech on lag gunning tactics, enlightening the Swarm with his mighty theorycraft.

Princess Aiko was truly amazed. She had known of Pandemic Horde’s sneaky gimmick of DDOS Lag Induced DPS Application (DDOSLIDPSA), but never considered the possibility of blending a lag gunner with a strong power gun fit. Fortunately, having served as a spy within Pandemic Horde, avia was well versed in their strengths and weaknesses. Meanwhile, Princess Aiko continued to train the fleet dancers, incorporating her newfound understanding of lag gunning to create a TiDi ‘moonwalk’ effect.

With Aiko’s full attention, avia issued orders to the fleet.

avia once vowed to destroy Goonswarm within just four years, but was now prepared to crush both Pandemic Horde and TEST in just one week.

Inspired with foreknowledge of James 315’s impending fate, avia found himself contemplating the future, a galaxy without the guiding light of Halaima. Faster than a ‘lil bullet, Agent Anvil, aka 140, sped outward into the abyss. As he viewed the galaxy from afar, the stars began to blur together, indistinguishable and insignificant. From this perspective, he wondered if the war against Pandemic Horde even mattered. Although he had set out to exact revenge, he now found such petty human desires far beneath him.

Yes, avia was finally ascending. He realized now that he was far above the petty internecine squabbles of the null blocs, as he was himself a God, the God of Gods, standing tall above such lesser divinities as BoB and Doblauk the Goblok.

Master avia revealed unto Princess Aiko the ultimate supper power, by which an FC might harness the infinite army. He proclaimed himself to be queen of the rats, and proved his powers by casting a plague of Triglavians.

On a rehearsal break, Princess Aiko naturally wondered if she might herself become a rat queen. However, Master avia, aka Sun Tzu, warned that such powers were beyond a mere mortal, and feared Aiko might be consumed by lust.

Ah, and what of the double traitor Vily, who was even then plotting her betrayal of the Swarm. Could the dinosaurs defeat a rat queen?

To be continued…

Pay Your Rent, Part 2

Previously, in James 315 Space… Newgal pokoko bought PLEX, injectors, and a Marshal. She was ready to play, proudly undocking in Jita. A few seconds later, she found herself in the Why Was I Ganked? channel, wondering what happened.

Cargo Bandit offered to sell a mining permit for 20 billion isk, but pokoko was a tough negotiator, talking the price down to just 18 billion.

Cargo listened patiently, as pokoko explained her concerns.

However, Cargo was busy, and her red timer was about to end. It was a big decision, and (for some reason) pokoko wasn’t entirely sure the mining permit would be worth it, but Cargo made a compelling argument.

Just like that, it was done.

Perhaps, someday, we will hear more about pokoko’s adventures.

Meanwhile, the New Order just keeps winning. Like any good ganker, Cargo Bandit sent a billion isk to my Official Holy New Order Treasury.

P.S. Did you know there is a Korean ganker group that supports the New Order? I’ll give you a hint who – they killed pokoko! They have some kind of Korean website, where they discussed this incident. Here is what people in Korea had to say.

“This crazy hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha”
“That’s fucking funny hahahahaha”

“Isn’t this a violation of EULA?”
“It is content.”

“I was a dolbauk newbie, but the code protects me.”

“Wow hahahahahahaha”

“hahahahahahahahahahahaha”

Don’t be a dolbauk! Join the New Order today!

Of course, friend

I don’t actually have to be in house, or in system, but you better watch out. I might not even look like me, ya know? I could be anywhere, or anyone, anytime at all. Sometimes people call me James 315, and I don’t disagree. I honestly can’t tell the difference. We are both sexy, smart, and utterly invincible.

THUND3RST0RM > Hello
Aiko Danuja > hi
THUND3RST0RM > I know that our Corps aren’t exactly friends, but I was wondering something.. You know BLACKFLAG. right?
Aiko Danuja > of course

I totally can’t keep track of all the emails, Discord messages, EVEmails, voicemails, Tweets, Slacks, forum @s, and private convos. I used to be a secretary, and now I need one. Regardless, THUND3RST0RM seemed like a nice young man, although it was alarming to hear that he doesn’t view me as a friend. Apparently, he knows some of my very good friends, who fly the BLACKFLAG.

THUND3RST0RM > Well, they will be attacking a station of our in 10 hours. Is there any chance you, or a few pilots from your corp would want to help us defend?
Aiko Danuja > you must pay in advance
THUND3RST0RM > How much
Aiko Danuja > 500 million

I like to help.

THUND3RST0RM > Thanks, but I think we will fight on our own
Aiko Danuja > Very well.
THUND3RST0RM > good day

I figured that was it, and resumed ganking Ventures. However, as the hours ticked by, he decided to renegotiate with his not a friend.

It seemed like a good deal.

Of course, I accepted.

I wonder if James wrote the CODE just for me. By the way, grumpy bears like to OCD, and try to tell me there is a difference between the Code of Halaima and the CODE. alliance. These same crabs pretend there is some fundamental distinction between the New Order and the alliance itself. As your official Saviourette, I beg to differ. It’s all the same. One law, one people, one fleet. We stand united, always!

When the time came, I was hunting battleships, so I couldn’t be bothered to divert my fleet halfway across the galaxy. I assumed my !friend would understand, but I kindly offered to lead his fleet via private convo. I wouldn’t want them to be demoralized, so I didn’t inform him the cavalry was never coming.

As FC, I ordered a direct frontal assault.

It seemed like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, my not a friend was losing faith in me.

This was his undoing.

Fortunately, Allie Vaille believes in me.

As for my antifriend, he thinks I’m going to a non-existent hell.

 

Apparently, he also likes me a bit.

He thinks I have a cute laugh…

…but his friends want to bash my knee caps.

They don’t approve of our special relationship.

However, I have actual friends.

 

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 89

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… High Starlord avia naali, aka Agent Anvil, sent PLEX to support Goonswarm’s war against Pandemic Horde. Meanwhile, he prepared a second front against double traitor Vily. Unfortunately, avia sent the funds to Dolphin Don, instead of Princess Aiko, and everyone was displeased. As Princess Aiko consolidated power, in anticipation of the impending death and divine ascendance of James 315, Slackbot decided this was a good time to remind avia about new protocols.

Aiko then quizzed avia about the law.

avia was in a strict quarantine, and by sending PLEX to Don, he potentially spread a Pandemic Horde virus to Don and his beloved dolphins. Even worse, when Don was forced to retransfer the PLEX to Aiko, it exposed the royal heiress!

Aiko stomped into her room and slammed the door, spending a rainy week in self-isolation, as avia pondered whether he might have infected the entire Goonswarm High Command. Of course, everybody would be fine.

The intergalactic pandemic has made it difficult to interact, and many fine individuals have unraveled completely under solitary confinement. Fortunately, avia is a Suppercomputer which prefers isolation, and his brain began to whir. Why not use the pandemic to Goonswarm’s advantage, with rigorous training regimens? In particular, avia recognized that asteroids form space terrain, and he envisioned titans dug in on the high ground, obliterating hapless Pandemic infantry. As practice, Goon supercaps were ordered to move back and forth through the belts, using rocks as cover.

Princess Aiko sulked in her chambers, nervously waiting for a feverish chill, whilst avia brushed up on hybrid theory and lag gunned rail gunner tactics. During the Second World War, German and Japanese aircraft would approach heavily armed Allied bombers by weaving in between tracer rounds, thereby approaching to an optimal firing range. avia knew this same ‘weaving rage’ doctrine could be applied in EVE Online, but it would be important to ensure Pandemic bots were not exploiting latency.

Meanwhile, with the recent discovery of zkillboard.com, avia was delighted to receive instantaneous reports directly from the orbital battlespace, verifying that Goonswarm was still there. Everything was going well, and his only concern was that the enemy might try to throw a ‘haymaker’. Looking at you, Vily!

Fortunately, the Imperium is well funded, and we will win this war!

To be continued…

 

 

Support and Encouragement

Usually, when we encounter a miner, he is sincerely apologetic.

It breaks my heart, to see destitute miners dwelling in misery. Therefore, I naturally try to ensure their ultimate success.

We all want the same thing, happy miners who rejoice at their good fortune.

Unfortunately, some gobloks are beyond saving.

Guybertini is one of the New Order’s most experienced space therapists, and he wanted to help Rais McKivit find clarity and peace.

Like most miners, Rais struggled with emotional turmoil. According to zkillboard, he hasn’t really done anything for six months, after losing three Rattlesnakes to NPC bots. When Rais saw Guybertini in local, he cried out for help.

Hidden inside a space station, desperately hoping for free counseling, Rais watched as Guybertini passed through the system. Unfortunately, Rais doesn’t have a mining permit, and I doubt it will ever be safe for him to undock. Sad!

 

 

Rudokop Forever, Part 10

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space... Rudokop Forever was trapped in Soviet hell, beset by spooky American space devils. They were always there, communicating via hyperspace, and hunting him down. His alts began to die, his drones disappeared, and his Orca was buffeted by things that go bump in the night.

Rudokop knew that human sacrifice would placate the demons…

Adrian Vexier was thus compelled by the power of prayer, leaving Rudokop to mine in peace, with a set of cheap drones. Of course, Adrian’s spaceship had a mind of its own, and began gently bumping into Rudokop’s orca.

Rudokop sensed weakness, and decided to take the offensive.

Restrained by BoB’s love, there was nothing Adrian could do.

Rudokop finally had the upper hand.

The next day, as they were leaving the Bleaklands, James was hungry. Seeing in the distance a fig tree in leaf, he went to find out if it had any fruit. When he reached it, he found nothing but leaves, because it was not the season for figs. Then he said to the tree, “May no one ever eat fruit from you again.” And his alts heard him say it.

On reaching Jita, James entered the naval yard and began driving out those who were buying and selling. He overturned the tables of the money doublers and those selling doves, and would not allow anyone to haul merchandise through the gates. When evening came, James and his alts went out of the spaceport. In the morning, as they went along, they saw the fig tree withered from the roots. Currin remembered and said to James, “Hearken ye forth! The fig tree you cursed has withered!”

Curses are powerful spells, which can reverse the course of history. Rudokop knew the time had come to employ this spiritual nuclear option.

He completed the curse with a quick chant, and Soviet runes.

Yea, and it was verily done.

To be continued…

***

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That’s right. It’s a perfectly legitimate product.

We are currently running a special, ten bottles for ten billion, and get one FREE! I only use all-natural chemical-free soaps and fragrances, infused with shade-grown chamomile tea, ethical fair-trade Moroccan olive extracts, and organic antioxidants.

 

 

The Best Revenge, Part 88

The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78

Previously, in James 315 Space… His Grand Persona Avia Naali, aka Mittens 2.0a, aka Aiva Naali, aka Lord Anarky, aka the Gewnfuehrer, was safe and sound within Goonswarm Federation’s climate controlled quarantine bunker. Here, he outlined a new fleet doctrine, as Princess Aiko patiently took notes.

The class 2u trap appears to be an attractive young miner, but like a Q-ship from the First World War, it can quickly online hidden armaments. Meanwhile, class 1b general balance counter ganking vessels (GBCGV) offer a discrete middle ground between pure trap and actual mining ship. class 1b fits are custom designed for special ops, featuring blingy fits, disqualifying them for SRP. Indeed, GBCGVs represent the cutting edge of doctrine, efficient for both mining and combat. In conjunction with the top secret project dog box, Goon FCs have tools which can be adapted for any situation. With a roadmap to victory, it is up to fitting teams to finalize specific details.

As we now know, Agent Anvil, aka the Kingpin, humiliated TEST, via the infamous fleet dance. Several members of Goonswarm have experience in marching band, working night and day to coriogrife a spectacular show which caught TEST scouts by surprise. The dinosaurs watched with awe and amazement, as red triangles formed hypnotic patterns. All of this was mere distraction, as Avia the Magician snuck an entire battlefleet deep into TEST. Vily cried foul, and indeed it was another ‘first’ in EVE history. However, believe it or not, when avia initially devised these strategies, there was little fanfare.

Princess Aiko was overwhelmed by avia’s brilliance, and didn’t know how to respond. Of course, she conveyed avia’s orders to James 315 and the Mittani, but when avia paused  — there was silence. aiva might have felt like Sun Tzu, trying to teach the concubines, and wondering whether any would understand. Finally, avia addressed the Princess directly. Could she assemble the dirty dozen, a team of hardcore PvP specialists, the worst of the worst, who would lead assault fleet toward a glorious victory?

She responded, and avia understood the Swarm would obey his orders unconditionally, no matter the cost. As the fleet dance unfolded in beautiful splendour, the assault fleet penetrated deep into Vily’s soft blonde underbelly.

The dirty dozen could expect heavy losses, and many bees would die horrifically once Vily’s dinosaurs realized the fleet dance was a shameless trap, but these losses would only sharpen the Swarm and ensure strategic victory.

It was all about numbers, and the Suppercomputer done did the math.

Unfortunately, he accidentally sent PLEX to Dolphin Don, who failed to win election by proxy as Saviour of Highsec. Princess Aiko narrowed her eyes, confronting Don with a shrill tone, and an evil glint which would brook no defiance. Don meekly complied, acknowledging the new political reality of the New Order. Yea, and verily did James see what had been done, and he knew the succession is secure. 

To be continued…