Official Home of the New Order of Highsec
I know how to keep miners happy.
First, you shoot them.
Then, you have a conversation.
Usually, they cry.
Let them express their feelings.
Eventually, you can find common ground.
It’s not hard to figure out what miners want.
They need a friend.
For a bit of money, they can finally be happy.
Don’t let them scam you with a sob story.
Take their isk.
This gives them a sense of purpose.
They just want to belong.
They love it.
Don’t be a silly miner!
Just calm down.
If you want to AFK, just go to lowsec.
Either way, you’ll need a permit.
We have a sliding fee scale, for your convenience.
We even accept collateral.
Just pay what you can, thank you!
You can pay right now!
Hey, I just want you to be safe.
I want you to be happy.
So cheer up, miners, I’m here to help.
Everything will be ok.
James was a good man, but he didn’t know the value of a mining permit.
Sales is all about integrity.
Come to the cold dark vacuum of outer space, and I’ll sell you a whole lot of nothing.
Some people just want to stamp their bio with my name.
Everybody loves a winner.
So step right up!
I can address all your concerns.
Why buy just one, when you can buy two?
Trust me, you aren’t the only one.
Permit pride!
Mining permits are a sensible option for your personal Safety.
No matter your income, we have a payment plan that fits your budget.
I’m here to help!
Even if you are broke, we can work out a suitable trade.
It’s a real pleasure doing business in New Eden.
Stay in touch!
Why would I gank a barge?
Red Monke found out why.
His ORE gadgets were gone, and he wasn’t pleased.
I didn’t want to spacebully him, but he reached out, desperate for assistance.
He briefly tried some space lawyer tactics.
However, the law is self-explanatory.
He was ready to accept me, as his personal Heroin.
I love to help newbros.
It was a pleasure doing business with him.
I am looking forward to our future relationship.
See ya later!
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Kelroth‘s new friends identified Brutus as the trader, so Kelroth fired his Bible-thumping security director. Seeking revenge, Brutus gave all his stuff to Princess Aiko. Afterward, Brutus became a galactic space preacher, teaching the citizens of New Eden about Jesus and the flat Earth.
Shortly thereafter, Kelroth went on a tirade against Lovin, in Amarr local.
Following several hours of continuous IRL death threat spam…
…Kelroth’s long life was cut short by carebear devs.
This was a perfect opportunity to seize control of his corporation.
Under new management, miners began to protest.
They claimed Mr Lovin, not Brutus, was the real Lovin spy.
It was a dark era for DarkStar.
Fortunately, Kelroth could still access one of his alts…
…until CCP noticed.
Kelroth’s only option was to create a new character entirely.
On Teamspeak, he explained his plan was to purchase back everything CCP had stolen from him. However, spies were lurking. Therefore, Kelroth declared that he would hereby appoint a new security director.
He couldn’t have made a better choice.
For safekeeping, Kelroth Toke deposited his remaining wealth with Lilath.
Sievert began to cry (again), because Kelorth gave him nothing.
Meanwhile, everyone believed that Sievert was the real Lovin!
Sievert tried his best to be a white knight.
Sievert was disturbed that Kelroth’s wife enjoyed sexual gang bondage.
Therefore, Sievert informed CCP that Aiko is a relentless seductress.
However, some believe that Sievert was just jealous.
What do you think?
Undoubtedly, CCP is taking the allegations very seriously.
Alas, Kelroth decided that he no longer wanted to hang out.
As for Aiko, she continues to work as a space marriage counselor.
The Best Revenge, Part 1
The Best Revenge, Part 78
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Now then, dear Reader, where were we? It all began a long time ago, when a Highsec Orca got into a standoff with Kalooooronooed Kalorned. Before long, Tweeps and Princess Aiko and Dolphin Don hailed aiva naali as the Grand High Lord of the Delve. Indeed, The Mittani personally appointed aiva (now avia, aka ‘lil bullet, aka Gooninatius Reximus, aka He Who Knocks) as the lead abstract theorecraftitician of the entire Swarm. Yea, and did aiva avia solemnly prophesize the double trading of Vily, who did thusly conspire with the WHORE Elise Randolph.
With TEST reeling before his counteroffensive, the suppercomputer began playing nth+n+2th-dimensional chess, in hyperspace.
Meanwhile, in the secret Goon headquarters, Aiko and avia developed the Goon Bounty Board, as a means to ensure that unemployed drones were able to find suitable work to ensure the survival of the hive.
At every moment, avia is watching his Swarmlings, dutifully guiding them toward victory.
It was avia who snuffed out Snuffed Out.
It was avia who kept our FCs safely hidden away.
It was avia who taught James 315 how to minerbump.
It all started with a modest vow to utterly destroy Pandemic Horde.
It became the best revenge.
To be continued…
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Kelroth bought a C7 wormhole, with all the keepstars, and a lifetime VIP mining permit. However, when evil traders infiltrated DarkStar Industries, Kelroth knew he had a CODE. spy on the inside. It didn’t take long for his new friends to identify the secret agent. It was none other than Kelroth’s own security chief, the Bible thumping flat Earther Brutus.
Brutus was upset, especially when accused of being a CODE. agent.
After some reflection, he liked the sound of this.
So he went to the Minerbumping channel…
…where Princess Aiko had finally defeated Lewak.
To his surprise, nobody believed him!
Although Aiko was back, other agents were unprepared for elite content.
Brutus wondered how a true agent could fail to BONUS a miner.
Alas, Ernst and Guybertini let the opportunity pass.
Fortunately, someone invited Brutus to a better channel: Why Was I Ganked?
Always willing to help, Aiko took a break from her routine duties.
Despite connectivity issues, she knew Brutus deserved special attention.
As Brutus transferred his stuff, they had a vibrant discussion.
The Lord himself listened intently, blessing Aiko with eternal grace.
There was even a BONUS round!
In this way, did Brutus garner his most Divine revenge, transferring thusly unto fair Aiko.
Afterward, Brutus found a new calling in EVE.
He became a campus preacher.
To be continued…
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Kelroth handed out billions. Tens of billions became hundreds, as he purchased a fantasy C7 wormhole, a lifetime VIP mining permit, and a lot of new friends. There was an endless supply of cocaine, but the party came to a screeching halt when Kelroth’s entire mining fleet was wiped out.
Victor II was just a typical bot aspirant miner, who randomly joined Kelroth’s corporation, DarkStar Industries. Like most carebears, he was too scared to get on Teamspeak, and ignored Kelroth’s repeated invitations. He didn’t want any of that awkward human social interaction, and he just wanted to mine. Meanwhile, in Teamspeak, his CEO was handing over everything to Princess Aiko’s many alts, Lovin Jr’s many alts, Lilath, Kalle’s many alts, and BigTits. When Victor realized that Kelroth couldn’t even afford to SRP mining ship losses, he quit the corporation in a huff.
Victor would undoubtedly have been more upset, if only he knew the truth. Kelroth was paying the very people who were killing everyone in DarkStar.
Kelroth knew that Lovin was out to get him…
…but who might be a Lovin spy?
Someone was responsible for this crisis, and Aiko’s main’s alt’s alt drew attention to Kelroth’s ‘head of security’. Wasn’t Brutus really the one who let Kelroth down? Isn’t it true that Brutus failed to provide security?
A simple flat Earther, and a devout follower of flat Jesus, Brutus denied the allegations. However, Kelroth’s new friends insisted that Brutus was the problem. In fact, many people were concerned that Brutus was a CODE. spy, perhaps even one of Princess Aiko’s many simps. He might even be a Lovin!
DarkStar miners were shocked to learn that CODE. infiltrated their corporation, but relieved Kelroth found the spy.
Some of then even saw a potential opportunity for profit…
Alas, Brutus was fired.
Kelroth cleaned house.
Even worse, DarkStar corporate leaders denounced Jesus and denied the Flat Earth.
Brutus was sent to hell.
To be continued…
Listening to: Tyrant
Previously, in the Princess Diaries… Sievert Solutions was a salty antiganker crybaby Mormon. He took to the forums, warning New Eden about the rise of a powerful new force. Whilst other antigankers celebrated the slow decline of the CODE. alliance, Sievert knew that something wicked this way comes.
Everyone concluded this was just the ranting of a Highsec carebear, but deep in the subterranean archives of the New Order Historical Origin Society (NOHOS), the story of Kelroth is preserved as a pivotal moment in galactic history.
The New Year began with dire omens, for the Jamespocalypse was nigh. Elite Amarr ganker Lovin Jr was surprised to find an Enforcer loaded with skill injectors, and even more surprised to encounter the same goofus in a Magnate full of skill injectors. Shortly thereafter, a young Princess Aiko was contacted by Kelroth, who invited her to Teamspeak where they plotted against Lovin Jr.
Surprise plot twist! Aiko and Lovin are IRL friends.
Shortly thereafter, Aiko arranged an in-game meeting with Kelroth.
Kelroth bought a mining permit.
Sievert watched in horror, as the spider queen spun her web.
Kelroth gave Aiko another billion, plus a fifteen billion advance on Lovin’s bounty.
Sievert couldn’t believe Aiko’s dank tics.
Meanwhile, Kelroth was pleased to receive VIP status.
Aiko decided it was time to send an agent to Amarr.
Her scout reported that Kelroth was handing out Large Skill Injectors.
It was time to summon the girls!
To be continued…
Recently, citizens of my Why Was I Ganked? channel have come to know the Bible flat earth guy, who preaches the Bible and the gospel of flat Earth. He appears to have no interest in the game itself, and is merely here to save souls.
He’s actually quite serious.
Yes, he’s a Christian fundamentalist flat earther.
He goes on and on, until I ban him.
Then he comes back with a new alt.
One day, he wrote me.
I wasn’t sure who he was.
It’s happened quite a few times…
Oh… oh!
There’s a story that still hasn’t been told.
The story of Kelroth.
To be continued…