They claim that we grief newbros, but with just one day in EVE, Vashda was proud to accept an offer to join my glorious alliance. I’m quite happy to save him from boredom, and once you go CODE, there is no other road.
I’m the best recruiter in CODE. history.
Meanwhile, my Why Was I Ganked? channel remains the galactic epicentre.
It’s a great place to make friends and practice typing.
Some miners struggle to make a good first impression.
Many of them are just happy to meet a nice Lady.
They are often surprised to die in Highsec.
Of course, I’m super scared of lowsec.
Just kidding, it’s a lot easier without CONCORD interference.
Sir Jecht was PvP’d before he even reached lowsec.
***
=BREAKING NEWS=
Purgo has announced another glorious victory. This esteemed agent of the New Order is the first person in history to confiscate an illegal sanguine harvester. These are so new, that killboard doesn’t even have a picture for them. It reminds me of how I was the first person to gank a Thunderchild. Regardless, CCP can feel free to continue adding pointless garbage, and we will take out the trash.
Oh James, I love you so much. All those years I worked as your personal secretary, skittering between office and armory, steering a wide berth around the rowdy barracks, and barely finding time to grab a cucumber from the mess. I didn’t do it for the money, or the fame, but just for you, my Saviour. Those bitter jellybears said I was sleeping my way to the top, but you know how chaste I am. All I wanted was to do my duty, unto my Lord. Even a Princess must serve the New Order, to the best of her ability, such is the law!
I always, always, knew I was destined to inherit Amarr, along with the Minmatar and Ammatar vassaldoms, plus the entirety of the Khanid March, with the Bleak and the Delvian slums, and all those lonely stars which have no name. I was content with that, so when you asked me to be your little Princess, I really had no desire to remain far from home. However, I kind of like being the one true Saviourette of the Order. Of course, the Great Khan Garkeh was delighted to learn his daughter has inherited the Caldari State, the Gallente Federation, and the endless Northern Waste.
It’s been so long since I’ve been able to go home, to Agil III. I miss the sight of a magnetostorm, as it ripples through the methane clouds. I yearn for my hundred ton robotank, with those beautiful particle projection cannons. I want to bring hot cranberry vodka for the infantry, and help them cook Mindflood in the ruins of some old shrine. Living amongst the greedy northern barbarians has really been quite a culture shock, but I confess, you saved me from a dismal fate. Without you, I would have wound up commanding some garrison on the Kamela front, where I might have died of boredom.
Killing people, just to drink their brain goo, that’s normal for us southern girls. They call us blood raiders, but let’s be real, I’m just a simple space vampire. As you might imagine, the Caldari cult of Halaima was utterly alien to me. Bumping people for money? What?! Why don’t we just kill them all? If they pay enough, we can crucify them on a cross of gold! My father despised Gallente terrorists, but you had the divine wisdom to turn Catalysts and Talosi into the very building blocks of our mighty civilization. I don’t know how you did it, but you did, and this is why I praise your name every 15 minutes of each particular day — as required by the sacred laws of the Halama.
Recently, I was super annoyed. This catty miner had the nerve to say I should be killing more miners! Oh really?! I told my friends about this, and we all had a good laugh. Then Zigam and Julian made a little video, which definitely cheered me up. Julian even has his own Youtube channel, and I can tell he doesn’t like carebear plebs!
Anyways, ever since you died, I’ve been praying for a miracle. I’m sure you will undock another Ishtar. Right? We can hunt Orcas together, like old times, and maybe even save the Delve (again)! However, I don’t suppose that’s likely to happen. So I’ll keep trying to kill these miners, as best I can, and hope to see you soon.
She could never know what it’s like My blood, like winter, freezes just like ice And there’s a cold, lonely light that shines from me And did you think this girl could never win? Well look at me, I’m a-coming back again
Once I never coulda hoped to win You started down the road, leaving me here The threats she made were meant to cut me down And if our love was just a circus, you’d be a clown by now You know I’m still standing better than I ever did
So don’t just fade away
Don’t you know I’m still standing better than I ever did?
Looking like a true survivor, feeling like a true princess And I’m still standing after all this time I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing (yeah, yeah, yeah) I’m still standing
Praise James, forever and ever, and pray he will grant upon us his divine blessing, so that we might obliterate our enemies with an endless barrage from which they shalt know our mercy! We must destroy their fleets, and then Khanid will show them the glorious strength of our Army!
As your official Saviourette (yours, and yours), I am pleased to announce that the mighty CODE. alliance continues to win daily.
That’s right.
This is some high praise!
I’ll allow it.
I like when people pay me to endorse myself.
Tweeps has been funding the alliance for a long time.
I imagine she will continue.
I’d super hate to be on her blacklist. Tweeps has so many alts, like literally thousands. It would be nigh impossible to play EVE, against an enemy who can destroy an entire alliance, without even bothering to login. Fortunately, Tweeps likes the CODE. and that’s part of our secret recipe — we have powerful friends in Highsec.
When I first met Tweeps, people told me to be careful. They said she is a dangerous evil scammer, who would take everything I have. Actually, they had it all backwards. Tweeps is really great, and I’m also like totally invincible. Everyone should strive to be more like Tweeps, and send everything they have to me.
Tweeps celebrated her wise investment, donning a party hat of solid gold, inlaid with diamonds, rubies, emeralds, amethysts, and chunks of pure zydrine.
In the old days, James would tip his own hat, in honor of such tribute. As a Princess, I can offer a slight wave of my hand, and perhaps a little something extra.
As word spread, spontaneous celebration erupted within the sacred Minerbumping channel, where everyone loves me.
Of course, friend.
We also had a big party in Teamspeak.
Everyone was invited. Some people were afraid to come, because they are intimidated by a strong woman, but apparently Aiko is really nice. Everybody enjoyed the opportunity to mix and mingle with their Saviourette, discussing personal goals, and how the OHNO! treasury might benefit their corporation.
Praising spread through every channel in the galaxy.
We had a super swell time.
Eventually, all parties come to an end.
Let’s do it again!
I was trying to decide if I should buy a fifth Titan, and intervene in the war. However, Magalaus Shardani had a much better idea.
Some people think the purpose of this blog, is to showcase the tearful cries of Highsec miners. More accurately, this blog exists to tell the truth, and the facts are clear. A lot of people love the CODE. Of course they do!
I haven’t finished discussing the battle of Nalvula, but when I clarified that we have powerful friends in lowsec, nullsec, and spooky j-space… well, I wasn’t bluffing. It’s true, we are the most powerful coalition in the galaxy. You might be a crusty crab, mocking gankers, but that umbrella you depend on – those are CODE. titans, friend. Oh, did we not arrive in time? So sorry, you died! Seriously, how come nobody will help, when those nasty cloaky campers are hunting you? Hm. I wonder why? Well, I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. James isn’t actually dead. He’s on his main, and a lot of alts.
While he is away, James wants me to domesticate the miners.
Indeed, they are desperate to please their queen regent.
I’ll allow it. I’ll even buy your stuff for free.
Of course, some gobloks seem upset about something.
“Fuck you, bastard! You yourself are bot!”
“You stupid bastard fuck you”
Bears love to communicate…
…although they aren’t very smart.
They think I’m cute, and love the official New Order hairstyle.
I like the attention.
I like my friends even more.
I enjoy killing dolbauks.
They are gross.
Let’s kill them all!
“I FUCK YOUR KIND, YOUR JAMES 315 FUCK DEAD ASCKES, YOU FUCKING CUM DIRTY DRESSFUCKING, ABOMINATION YOU ALL SUCK DUCK TV PUBLIC TOILETS You are a fucking filthy son, you are such a huya in life, they don’t take you on the panel, so go suck in public toilets there you belong hey you are a fucking nasty whore I’m not Ukrainian let them fuck your mouth, but I fucked your family, and everything that is connected with you with gross filth, a cocksucking whore went to the cost of a creature FUCKING SLUT THAT FUCK AND WILL FUCK ALL DIRTY ANIMALS, GO AND SELL YOUR HOLES FURTHER, I’M NOT A URANIAN, YOU ARE A FUCKING HOLY LOST CREATURE AND IN THIS, I AM SURE
FUCK YOU AND YOUR CORPORATION OF PIDARAS AND PROSTITUTES AND YOUR WHOLE SHIT ALLIANCE TOGETHER WITH THE MAIN SLUT JAMS WHO SUCKS EVERYBODY, FUCKING LOST SCROOM I FUCKED YOUR KIND”
This bonus room just got out of control, and I’m sitting here finishing a bottle of cranberry vodka, not really sure what to write.
People have been submitting quality content, and I want to write something, but that would also require me to sober up and actually do my job.
One of my favourite blog topics is myself.
I also kinda like Guybertini.
I don’t mind sharing this sacred space with others. Last night, I went on a sleazy date with some loser, and he was trying to get the details on what exactly I write about. I explained that people from all over the world write gibberish, and all their insane hatemail gets sent to me. I’m the disorganized center of the universe.
I checked out Twitch, and invited a streamer to my award-winning Why Was I Ganked? channel. It’s obviously the best channel in the galaxy. Like, hello? This nullbear was concerned that CODE. ganks hapless noobs, but when I dunked on a nineteen day-old Venture, even he had to admit this is amusing.
Let’s just face the facts, ok? James 315 put me on a pedestal, which confirms him as the coolest man in the history of EVE…
Bears are lonely souls, who desperately yearn for a personal relationship with their official Saviourette. It’s difficult to help miners, write a blog, and be a good housewife. I don’t know how I manage to look so great. Maybe I was born with it?
Some crabs like don’t like me, and I’m like totes fine. I don’t like like them very much either, to be like quite frank, miners like disgust me.
I like like people who like naturally like gravitate into my like orbit, and submit unconditionally unto me. I expect feudal subservience, my divine birthright. For example, Molagne Deninard was trying to steal my ore, and was surprised to discover his Twitch had viewers. Meanwhile, he warped from belt to belt, desperately trying to escape justice. He was breathing heavily, unsure where to go, whom could he trust? Eventually, he made the right decision, calming down to embrace fate.
Other miners make a slightly less optimal decision.
In order to advance our civilization, I have been encouraging miners to practice arts and crafts. I’m always pleased to see what they come up with.
There’s a secret message in the sky! If you stare long enough, you might notice my name, written amongst the stars. Of course, some gobloks prefer to compose essays, and I always (get it?) encourage them to express their little feelings.
Some carebears claim we are space bully griefers, that we just want to upset them and bathe in salty tears. Honestly (no roleplay here), I do enjoy that, but what brings me the most pleasure is knowing miners are grateful to die…
… and pay for the right to stamp my name on their bio.
It’s fair to say that I’m legitimately space famous.
I didn’t earn all this attention, but I definitely inherited it.
Some people believe the CODE. alliance died years ago, when James 315 was permabanned. Others believe it died a few months ago, at the very moment James passed on. Still others believe it was dead from the start. However, readers of the blog know divine truth: James is far more powerful dead than alive. It also benefits me, so I’ll allow it.
Miners and plebs fixate upon the ‘Great War’, as my tributaries quarrel over the Delve, but they fail to understand this conflict began in Halaima (a peaceful mining system, near Jita). A true Princess never forgets.
Like, whatever!
Lewak began preaching a strange heresy. According to Lewakites, multiboxing is an evil sin, and Omega accounts are terribly unfair to poor alphas. All implants, no matter the type or purpose, are absolutely verboten. Meanwhile, Lewak glorified implanted multiboxing antigankers, who ‘enforce’ the CODE. upon the CODE. Lewak even began failganking on scouts, claiming that real gankers never use combat probes. We had a little disagreement, so I discussed this with Loyal, Globby, Tweeps, and Holdmybeer. They all asked the same question. “Who is Lewak?” Something had to be done, before the alliance was reduced to nothing but weird roleplayers! Praise James! 07
Actually, yes, I just might…
Fighting spread across Lonetrek, with fierce combat in Isanamo. Here, disgusting heretics were besieged inside an abandoned Nurtura warehouse, desperately scrounging for scraps of biomass and stale soylent wafers. Meanwhile, descending from Moon 21, spaceborne Khanid flametroopers rained hellfire upon their enemies. Neutron blasts scoured cities, as machine guns splattered bullets down narrow streets. The CODE. Civil War truely happened, and this permanently shifted the galactic balance of power.
My, what a difference a year makes.
So, where do we go from here?
Our vassals can squabble, but we’ve got business in Highsec, and the Summer Hole War is over. We know what to do, and our friends support us. We will simply apply a new litmus test, and this will root out all the closet bears.
(pro tip: listen to the above on a permanent loop)
I recently discovered Lewak’s new mining alt corp, and confronted him her about his mining habit. Only someone with the honest integrity of a true Princess can defeat such treasonous minery. Indeed, she confessed to his illegal crimes, and (after praising me) was duly punished according to the laws of the Halaima Halama.
Previously in James315.space…Adrian Vexier was seduced by the spider witch of Highsec. Consequently, he forsaked the antiganking community, transmorphing into a Russian hunting demon. Of course, the New Order logs and records absolutely everything (always), and there is naturally a video of the time that Rudokop Forever‘s alt SIM Gallent tried to trick Adrian. As faithful readers know, this didn’t work.
Afterward, Rudokop sulked, humiliated before a coven of demons.
He had faith, vengeance would come in the afterlife.
Local miners attempted to help Rudokop calm down.
However, he was beyond consolation.
Rudokop’s alt urged Adrian’s alt to betray his demonic leader.
Meanwhile, Rudokop cried as evil forces pushed him away from the ice and ore.
Alas, his favourite potato farm was haunted by space ghouls.
This was upsetting for him.
Rudokop’s alt foretold a dire prophecy. The demonic attacks would continue.
Indeed, Rudokop’s other alt was already doomed.
To be continued…
***
BONUS: Miners pretend the CODE. is some kind of Veldspar mafia, imagining James 315 as a mobster and a goon. Now that James is dead as a door nail, it is important that we resist such vile slanders. Blake McAllister‘s artwork portrays James as he really was: a dapper business man, and a respected pillar of the community.
Old James is as dead as a door-nail. Mind! I don’t mean to say that I know, of my own knowledge, what there is particularly dead about a door-nail. I might have been inclined, myself, to regard a coffin-nail as the deadest piece of ironmongery in the trade. But the wisdom of our ancestors is in the simile; and my unhallowed hands shall not disturb it, or the galaxy’s done for. You will therefore permit me to repeat, emphatically, that James is as dead as a door-nail.
Highsec miners struggle to understand how they can safely earn isk, without effort or risk, while watching television. Fortunately, there is one corporation, which is always sometimes eager to save those who refuse to save themselves.
The New Eden Police Force has a lofty goal, to eliminate PvP in low security space. Of course, they aren’t able to survive in lowsec, and so they have been practicing in Highsec. Recently, the NEPF wrote a seminal GUIDE.
Like every antigank attempt, this immediately ended in an embarrassing failure. It appears that not only is the CODE. better at EVE, but we also seem to be better at literally everything else, including website stuff.
Gallente Citizen I > lol I think they might have posted a dead link Jody Longbuck > url File not found.
Magalaus Shardani > yeah the domain is for sale
GUIDE. forces are undeterred by this permanent setback, and continue to spam the dead link across my galaxy, for reasons which can only be ascribed to a combination of bot aspierancy and an apparent inability to notice.
Meanwhile, mining refugees have been ordered to evacuate Poinen.
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Kill: Illia Caela (Jackdaw)
GAY PRIDE BOOOOOM > Wah Huren > Kill: Ulianov (Coercer) <— thats sad, pasting a concord whoring in local, failing to protect the jackdaw. 3 “New Eden Police” warped behind me, an epic fail
GUIDE. forces recently conducted an ineffective patrol of Isanamo.
All miners were urged to stop mining, in accordance with the GUIDE.
Examples were made of those who did not obey the GUIDE.
Everyone agrees that the GUIDE. is required reading.
As GUIDE. agents watched, local gankers enforced the law.
It went on and on…
Most people support the GUIDE. However, there are a few critics.
Dissent was spreading, and only the most faithful continued.
After a Mackinaw was ganked, even GUIDE. agents were demoralized.
Githany Red > hehe i have kill rights on you Githany Red > a lot of good they wil do me Githany Red > i’m not ment to talk to you hehe Aiko Danuja > cuz im an evil witch who will mind control you
Despite abject failure, the GUIDE. lives on.
***
BONUS: The GUIDE. team has produced an awesome antiganking exclusive video, which (like actual antiganking) ends in despair and dismay.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NGVF8Hkp1Dk
That’s right. They made a video about their own incompetence.
