Corporal Jimbo, Part 2

Previously in James 315 Space… Corporal Jimbo used illegal expanders to dangerously overfill his Sigil. When the bubble finally popped, he was none too pleased, and took out his frustrations upon the arresting officer, Cargo Bandit.

After a night in prison, Jimbo wrote a complaint to the Department of Customs.

Corporal Jimbo just wants to play EVE, and looks down on those who do likewise.

Jimbo eventually arrived in court, where Princess Aiko was hearing an adultery case.

Eventually, he had his chance to address the court.

Jimbo denounced the rule of law!!!

Terrorism in game is worse than terrorism in real life!

He also posted a no luck spell upon Aiko!!!!!

Poor Aiko, trapped forever in EVE Online.

Jimbo petitioned CCP to ban tradehub PvP, informing them of CODE. arrogance.

A few moments later, another defendant arrived at court.

Subsequently, Jimbo enjoyed correspondence with his new pen pal, Cargo Bandit.


FW: Re: really?
From: Corporal Jimbo
Sent: 2020.10.03 10:05
To: Cargo Bandit,

okay so how much to u want that I will never see u again?

With your terrorism u really fuck eve up for me, do u know this? Still cant get why u doing such crap


Re: FW: Re: really?
Von: Cargo Bandit
Gesendet: 2020.10.03 10:06
An: Aiko Danuja, Corporal Jimbo,

The princess said in a previous discussion that your permit was 180b, if you’d like to discuss terms join the why was I ganked channel.


Aw: Re: FW: Re: really?
From: Corporal Jimbo
Sent: 2020.10.03 10:09
To: Cargo Bandit,

 I hope u will leave this game one time. And I will block u now. This is a game a play in my freetime and i dont want to spend another second with your roleplay terrorism sh*t bb I wish to meet you never again


Aw: Re: LoL
From: Corporal Jimbo
Sent: 2020.10.03 12:09
To: Cargo Bandit,

Dont worry i packed Internal stabilizers in my butthole so u will catch me again gg


Re: Aw: Re: LoL
Von: Cargo Bandit
Gesendet: 2020.10.03 12:14
An: Corporal Jimbo,

They won’t help you much. I thought you blocked me?


Aw: Re: Aw: Re: LoL
From: Corporal Jimbo
Sent: 2020.10.03 12:15
To: Cargo Bandit,

I did, But unblocked u








Corporal Jimbo


CCP Convict was recently cited for illegal mining.

Loyal citizens quickly reported him to the authorities.

Convict only pretends to be a lawful miner.

Bystanders watched uneasily, as Convict began digging unsafely.



Not surprisingly, Convict is a known criminal.

Several bears were concerned Convict might be a victim of cyberbullying. They urged him to move to safe nullsec, where everybody is polite, and nobody pays rent.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programme.

Cargo Bandit spotted an excessively laden over-dimensional Sigil.

The driver was predictably abusive.


Supposedly, what CCP meant by a game of EVE Online, is that everyone can undock and endlessly AFK as they acquire easy isk. Surely CCP desires a utopia of carebearism, a roleplaying game without any roleplay-police-terrorists. What do you think? Is the CODE. a greater concern than the Chinese xeno virus (aka Wu flu)?

Back at the station, officers listened as the defendant tried to justify his actions.

The charges were most serious, with grave consequences.

Count 1: Transport of illegal contraband, with intent to distribute.

Count 2: Failure to maintain an undock permit.

Count 3: Inappropriate conduct, unbecoming of a Highsec citizen.

To be continued…



Dunked Miners of This Here Half Fortnite

Kills of the Previous Week

Oi, check it. Here be some dumb bunnies, fleeced between October 6 at some time and October 12 at some later time. That’s one week, right? Aight.


I recently found CCP Alpha lurking about. During the initial skirmish, I am ashamed to admit, I failed to kill him. I should have brought a blob, cuz all I managed to kill was a nearby Hecate. Coulda, shoulda, woulda. My bad.

Fortunately, Cargo Bandit felt sorry for me, and brought reinforcements.

Here is damning proof that CCP Alpha was AFK.

Like most miners, CCP Alpha is a liar, but at least he appreciates me.

Afterward, he bought a new Endurance, demanded a rematch, and logged off.


Juxta Blix is a typical carebear, who thinks New Eden is divided into warring factions. In reality, everybody is united against the bot mining menace. In order to hunt down Juxta, a combined taskforce was formed, representing CODE., Goonswarm, Pandemic Horde, and Did He Say Jump? Are we jumping?

Juxta was feeling a little salty.


It wasn’t clear what side of the war Juxta is on. He blocked me, so I couldn’t reply, but he agreed to a follow-up interview with Whadda Badasaz.

Juxta obviously isn’t upset.


Molten Wreck knew the wind was coming from the north, and he assumed this was just the start of another ice storm. However, something went horribly wrong, and his ship is now a… molten wreck. Good fight!


Mikhoel Avrom loved his fancy ship, but apparently he wasn’t quite ready to fly it. GAY PRIDE wrecked him BOOOOOM! SICO DOWN!!


Svendolina Tuttolo lost a 20 billion isk freighter to the Snuggle Society. After all these years, people still don’t know how to survive in Highsec. That’s not funny.


Too Ducky didn’t lose his pod in Highsec, lowsec, nullsec, or some dusty wormhole. He lost his pod in abyssal space, which is also my space. WTF? I guess it’s time to steal mom’s credit card again. Here’s a pro tip: You don’t need all those implants.

Too was probably AFK. They always are.


EXTRA CREDIT: Several agents have been practicing forkbomb techniques.


How are you spreading the CODE?


Deal Storm, Part 8

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously, in James315.Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and trusted the mighty CODE. alliance to provide him with a new mining ship. The price was right, and the shipping charge was very reasonable, so Warrior agreed to pay and pay. However, he was also feeling a little confused.

Why does the twinkly red star rise high in the night?

Warrior doesn’t understand economics. He’s just a miner.

Warrior was relieved to know his ship (and implants) would arrive soon.

Of course, there is a 30 million isk processing fee.

Warrior wondered whether the fee might actually be 40 or even 70 million.

A friendly hauler contacted Warrior privately, and let him know he could rent a Mastadon for 50 million isk, and avoid paying so many fees.

For some reason, Warrior felt Anaxagoras might be scamming him.

Therefore, Warrior asked to speak with a supervisor.

It was all a misunderstanding.

Oops, a typo.

Like most men, Warrior was starting to feel entitled and bossy.

He just needed to complete payment!

Warrior agreed, it was a fair deal.

No refunds!










Highsec Miner Grab Bag #222

Highsec Miner Grab Bag #221

That’s right.

Let’s check out what the miners have been writing.

They are generally poor sports.

Crabs need help composing credible threats, with proper spelling and punctuation.

Remember kids, MINER stands for Moron in New Eden REEEEEee!

They really just don’t understand.

Carebears seem utterly confused.

Gobloks have no idea.

We are never going to stop.

Some people say that James is dead and gone forever.

However, always means always.


So, you know what I’m gonna do?

I’m gonna kill all these bears.

I’m definitely a

You know it’s true.



Antilor is Quitting EVE

Recently, Antilor Ornulf lost a Covetor.

Antilor is not a loser. In time honoured EVE tradition, he becomes a ‘winner’ by the mere fact that he gave up and quit at the first hint of difficulty.

Antilor wrote CCP to thank those who helped him achieve ‘victory’.

In my experience, the majority of ships are fitted in such a way, that the cost of ganking is higher than the value of any loot. Ganking can be profitable, but it’s not profitable to gank indiscriminately. Nevertheless, other than making it financially unsustainable, requiring most ganks to involve multiple people, and providing an insurance program to subsidize miners, CCP has done nothing to disincentive ganking.

Antilor warned CCP that some people use multiple accounts, a shocking claim.

If only CCP would think of the miners, and pod empty ganker capsules.

Antilor wanted to give credit where it is due. In particular, he really likes the sense of satisfaction from selling a killright, and knowing that gankers live in fear. However, he wondered if more should be done. Perhaps CCP should consider adding some sort of ‘faction police’ to the game, so that gankers can’t just loiter in space? Alas, he lamented, CCP just wants people to PvP in a PvP game.

Some people just want to experience the empire building aspect of EVE, without any kind of meaningful PvP. You know, like Farmville.

Antilor concluded by doxxing himself to the very gankers he despised.

Ash Styles provided Tim some helpful tips on how to properly quit EVE.

Antilor was outraged, demanding an Obama style apology tour. However, Ash doubled down on righteousness, and told Antilor exactly what’s up.

I am waiting for Antilor to send me his stuff.




Yesterday, TRUMP-2020 went to the abandoned minerbumping channel. The lights were dimmed, with tarps over the furniture. Dust covered the once venerated Hall of Heroes, and the Great Catalyst was stripped of purple modules. Those sneaky agents… they moved, without leaving a forwarding address!

Our friend soon arrived in the glorious Why Was I Ganked? channel, where she brought dire news. However, court was currently in session, so TRUMP-2020 waited as Princess Aiko and Daniel Konigar debated the legacy of James 315.

Eventually, Daniel fled in disgrace, but the debate continued via intermediary.

Finally, it was TRUMP-2020’s turn to address the Halama. There were audible gasps, as she announced a terrible happening.

Not only would CCP be changing TRUMP-2020’s legal name, but they would ensure the character was utterly unplayable. Rather than applying a usable name, which could be done automatically or by allowing TRUMP-2020 to select another name, she was doomed to become Caldari Citizen 2117948871.

Certainly, CCP has the legal right to censor content in their game, as they see fit. However, this legal right does not imply moral or ethical right. A policy of censorship, applied haphazardly, is no policy at all. It is irrational, and calls into question the intellectual integrity of the censors. Yes, of course, a video-game company has the right to decide that political references should be discouraged. However, the policy is enforced at random, with no opportunity for debate. Instead of communicating with players, CCP has outsourced the discussion to alcoholic nerds on the CSM.

None of these names were offensive. Trump2020 = ok. TRUMP-2020 = not ok?

The absurdity of CCP’s policy becomes increasingly apparent, as we investigate the kinds of names which are traditionally allowed.

Relatively speaking, TRUMP-2020 isn’t that offensive.

I’ve definitely seen worse names.

You’ve got to wonder who is in charge over at CCP.


CREEPY PEDO NIGG = ok. TRUMP-2020 = not ok.

These are actual characters in EVE Online.

I don’t actually care what name someone uses, but seriously?


Ganked in Fallujah

Everybody loves my channel: Why Was I Ganked?

Uncle Pudge is a typical Highsec miner.

After losing his favourite shuttle, he was less than calm.

When asked why he used such vulgar language, Uncle Pudge made an announcement.

He was a glorious veteran of some sort.

Veterans get 10% off on Tuesdays, and extra special treatment online.

Pudge also applied for a senior citizen discount.

After his proud service in Company C, Uncle Pudge retired to EVE Online.

From behind his computer, Pudge is internet brave.

Apparently, he is still in dusty Fallujah.

Meanwhile, Serbian Gamer shows how a real man reacts when ganked.

Deal Storm, Part 7

Deal Storm, Part 1

Previously, in James 315 Space… Warrior McQueen lost his Mackinaw, and promptly ordered another one for 100 million isk. He also needed to pay 30 million isk, plus 10 million isk, plus 30 million. Afterward, he needed to pay 30 million, but he only had 4 million. Where would he find another 26 million?

Some people say that Princess Aiko is evil, in real-life. However, Aiko waited patiently, giving Warrior time to fundraise.

Warrior sniffled, and his miner brain began to whir.

That little wench already charged 30 40 70 million for delivery. So why was he being asked to pay Whadda Badasaz?

Well, that explains it! Typical space Wobblies…

Warrior was fed up with hidden charges, but the fee was non-refunable. Get it?

He gradually scraped together enough cash to pay the fee.

Warrior paid in full, and there was just one last thing…

It’s just a 30 million isk processing fee. That’s actually a discounted rate.

Oh wait, it looks like there has been some kind of misunderstanding.

Warrior had a question.

Can you guess the answer?

To be continued…








Zabójstwa Tygodnia

Kills of the Previous Week

Cześć przyjaciele! Today is Sunday, so here are some niedźwiedzie, purified between November 29 @ 00:00 and December 5 @ 23:59.


Good ol Cutchybank never ceases to amaze us. This is his third appearance, and lately he has been trying to reign in his expenses. Nevertheless, he’s still blinged out like a madman, and I’m gonna guess that Votre Dieu knows exactly where to find him.


AnderwwwDeathGrind intended to grind hard, until the day he died. It all happened so fast, he didn’t even have time to board his escape capsule.

Antiganking carebears have responded with a flurry of forum posts.


FreaZy Akachi didn’t anticipate MrDiao would have a warp disruptor, nor did he expect the Triglavians to grief him. Good fight!


killdashnine knew two things about CODE. First, we are afraid of lowsec. Secondly, we don’t shoot ships that can shoot back. Therefore, he felt totally safe. Unfortunately, Julian Snelders ganked him with an Astrahus. Elite PvP! The word in the belt is that killdashnine was upset, because someone shot a Venture.


Adrian IV stuffed his battleship full of blueprints, and tried to plow straight through Sivala. As you might imagine, it just didn’t work.


blu c blu filled his head with the usual garbage, and died.