September 2020 – Page 2 – ‎James 315 Space

Kage Rage, Part 9

Previously, on MinerBumping… Kanye North is a good friend, who taught William Rageclaw an important space lesson. William, if you are reading this, please don’t DDOS my precious website again. I will report you to the trailer park patrol.

Recently, Halandar Uitra was streaming his mining operation in Palas, and was pleased to meet Princess Aiko, whom he recognized as a “very wise” soul. He wanted Aiko in his stream, because she is “so cool”. Aiko just wanted to watch Halandar die, and listened patiently as his mining friends discussed a mysterious group that kills miners.

Finally, it happened.

Halandar vowed to sell the killrights and get revenge.

***

Kage Rage, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space.. . kage1982 announced he has a wealthy benefactor, who finances kage’s campaign to whirl endlessly around Isanamo’s Home for Young Miners. However, as Quint generously showers pennies upon Highsec antigankers, he openly concedes the CODE. is utterly invincible.

Despite daily failure, Quint rewards antigankers handsomely.

With each gank, the CODE accomplishes more than every carebear combined.

Quint has struggled with several different variations of the contest rules, watching helplessly as CODE. pilots continue to take his money.

Meanwhile, Princess Aiko flaunts her own good fortune.

Although Aiko has recently begun smiling about something, antigankers speculate she is in a space cult. kage vowed to rescue the princess.

Eventually, kage realized he had a date with a blog.

He doesn’t appear to like my writing.

Nevertheless, even kage acknowledges James as High King.

He also understands that Aiko and James have a special relationship.

To this day, kage continues to warp randomly around Isanamo. This upsets miners, who remain convinced he is some kind of secret CODE. agent.

Sometimes, he accidentally collides with the poor distraught bots.

Meanwhile, kage still hasn’t figured out that Quint’s CODE. hunting contest is just a paid advertisement for the mighty alliance.

Sievert Solutions is also a little confused.

The salt is definitely flowing, but in which direction?

Finally, kage got that big payday!

The last time I saw kage, he was whirling around the YMCA at 3500m/s. When I undocked, he decided it was best to leave the system.

I wanted him to face justice, so I contacted a few of my powerful friends in Highsec. That’s right, I put out a hit on kage. Just kill him, and send my regards! I don’t need to offer a paltry isk prize, because people will do it for the betterment of our glorious civilization. It’s what I want, and James wants whatever I want.

Kalessi Kashada > FYI kage1982 at Sobaseki gate in Jita in a Dramiel
Cargo Bandit > Aiko Danuja doesn’t CODE. despise kage1982?
Aiko Danuja > kage1982 is not despised, he is pitied
Cargo Bandit > this guy is notoriously delusional and annoying
Valiran Teleros > The more time I spend in this channel, the more I come to empathize with gankers, and the fact I’m not exaggerating in the least is almost physically painful.

With any luck, kage might eventually learn something?

Practice makes perfect!

Egbu nke Izu

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bea, annihilated between September 13 @ 00:00 EVEtime and September 19 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Everyone enjoyed whoring on free killmails during CCP’s Yulai event, which took place in excruciating slow motion, but real PvB involves shooting bots before CCP finally gets around to doing something.

***

Seam Daigon was hoping to make it to next week, but got caught by Votre Dieu, shortly before intergalactic midnight. No matter what timezone Seam is currintly AFK in, this was an obvious Kill of the Week. Yikes!

Seam took his case to Miner’s Court…

…but the cargo manifest was proof of intent to distribute.

***

Lokoboto looks like a goofus, because he is. I was able to uninstall his gas huffing Megathron with a little help from Zoe Nyx, Shadow Cyrilus, MrDiao, Yes Mr Cheng, Independence Day, Encrypted Transmission, and Gallente Ambrye.

***

Tanarisa Star wanderer actually dies next week, but she’s already tackled and going down very slowly. Squidhunting Manwhore did the math, and Tanarisa’s death is imminent, with termination in exactly 24 minutes. For some reason, she agreed to duel a Catalyst, and all she has to defend herself are five Harvester drones. Good fight!

***

Fez Hideo reinforced her bulkheads, blinged her shields, and prepared for elite PvP in an 0.7. Her pirate ship was promptly vaporized by Ulianov and mat Otsito.

***

St0n3 lost his Kronos weeks ago, and it’s now a Kill of the Week, because I say so. While looking through old logs, I suddenly remembered this orbiter who tried to defend his Retrievers with a Marauder. When asked why, he explained that it was all a ploy to get my attention. Indeed, I showed up with my girlfriends: Alleil Pollard, Keraina Talie-Kuo, AgBee 001, Shadow Pearl, and Zopiclone.

***

Sirtech Silicore lost his spaceship way back in 2017, and it finally became a Kill of the Week in 2020, after Sirtech’s alt repeatedly returned to the Why Was I Ganked? channel. Tax Collector HongMei probably doesn’t even remember this incident, but Sirtech certainly does, and he has successfully campaigned for recognition of his loss. Congratulations on your impressive second place finish!

I asked Felicia/Sirtech if she had anything she wanted to tell James 315.

Mission complete.

***

rhe natu was relaxing while mining in her command ship, when suddenly she was ejected into the harsh vacuum of outer space. Before she could click a button, her pod was vaporized by Buttercup Potemkin (who is definitely not in a terrorist cult). Replacing your brain with bot chips may seem like a good idea, but it’s illegal.

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 9

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Odbayar gave Princess Aiko everything he had, and then shot a mining pod. It’s hard to say what Odbayar was thinking, but apparently someone instilled a desire for PvP. Carebears claim we grief newbros, but really we just want them to stop mining, and start killing miners. Is that so wrong?

It’s never seemed possible that a miner could ever become a ganker, but bless my heart, I always encourage them to give it a try. If Overmind Niminen is any indicator, I suspect Odbayar will soon revert to mining with a killright. However, I can at least give him the opportunity to try something else.

Perhaps someday, CCP might ban me for taking everything a miner has, but maybe they will understanding that this game isn’t about isk. Some of us believe in law and order. We genuinely want to rescue bears from their own greedy ambition. As the official Saviourette of the New Order, I wield incredible power, and intend to use this for the betterment of our civilization. We must insist on total CODE. compliance!

That’s right.

Odbayar was seeing another side of EVE, and he liked it.

I am here to help.

One bot did not appreciate Odbayar’s transformation.

It experienced the full mercy of Odbayar.

This appears to have been a traumatic experience.

Renim Xam may very well be an alt of kage1982.

Renim/kage was convinced that an Orca in his fleet was to blame for the gank, but Vixing Stroy was just using Renim as a drone.

Regardless, everybody loves my channel, Why Was I Ganked?

It’s just the place to be!

Odbayar is certainly happy to be home.

Oh no!!! Odbayar, where are you going? What are you doing?????

Once you go CODE; there is no other road.

To be continued…

I am PermaBanned

Princess Aiko, much like James 315, is a permabanned hero of the CODE. In her moment of immortal Ascendance, she went out with a bang, dunking on a hapless Venture in Raussinen. As the official Grover Cleveland of the New Order, her reign as Queen Regent has been brief, yet she flares brilliantly like a butterfly in heat.

If you read the dodgy memoirs of grumpy old bureaucrats, Princess Aiko was always a spoiled brat, who merely slept her way to the top. However, those who undocked during the Great War of Extirpation, will often describe her as a brilliant strategess. They also recall blueberry muffins, with soothing cups of chamomile tea.

Aiko’s path to immortality began on a windy Wednesday in 2017, when Sirtech Silicore was arrested by the Gate Tax Collection Agency.

Sirtech slumbered for more than three years, until he finally decided to once again become a new returning player, stealing some ore from Princess Aiko.

Like two slinky cats, Aiko and Kalomira hissed at each other.

Only a GrandMaster could resolve their bitter dispute over mining rights.

Alas, Aiko blasted the wrong Venture.

Kalomira had powerful alts in Highsec.

Felicia Dey is a pillar of the mining community.

When asked for a lossmail, she linked an old MinerBumping post.

It was definitely the same bot…

Innostunut Sonni > miner, please calm down
Magalaus Shardani > im assuming Felicia Dey is british and refering to cigarettes
Zaenis Desef > maybe
Felicia Dey > No you are a bunch of cum guzzling faggots
Zaenis Desef > ALL HAIL Aiko Danuja!
Zopiclone > Thats right
Felicia Dey > Id kick er in cunt\

…with the exact same sentiments.

It really doesn’t like the CODE.

Princess Aiko tried to be diplomatic.

However, Felicia knows an experienced space lawyer.

Another alt’s alt was ready to take down our Princess.

This was no joke.

Poor Aiko is going to prison, in real-life.

CCP lawyers would never defend our Saviourette.

Aiko tried desperately to plead her case.

Unfortunately, she could not hide her true nature.

At 11:00, the permaban hit Aiko like a freight train.

All we have now are fond memories.

Perhaps, like Grover Cleveland, Our Lady of Agil will return again…

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 8

How to Sell a Mining Permit, Part 3

Previously on James315.Space… Little Odbayar donated his stuff to Princess Aiko, and ran away to nullsec Niarja, where he was griefed by filthy blobbers.

Of course, friend, I’m always happy to take requests.

As you may recall, I desperately urged Odbayar to return home to the Why Was I Ganked? channel, but for some reason he didn’t like me very much.

Nevertheless, Odbayar stayed in touch.

Some people just don’t appreciate their official Saviourette.

Aiko Danuja > I have seized your Fortizars, how does that feel unto you miner Maldavius? All glory to James 315!

On the way back from Nalvula, we figured out where Odbayar has been hiding.

Odbayar > Aiko Danuja wtf
Odbayar > Kill: Odbayar (Retriever) ?
Odbayar > Alleil Pollard Aiko Danuja ?
Aiko Danuja > Hello Odbayar
Aiko Danuja > Would you like to buy a mining permit?
Odbayar > bitchs

He still didn’t get it… and then it clicked.

Odbayar tore off his mask and dunked a miner.

Mission accomplished!

I’m so proud of you, Odbayar.

I’ll even SRP your Catalysts, if you can be polite.

Oh Odbayar… come home!

To be continued…

Rudokop Forever, Part 6

Rudokop Forever, Part 1

Previously, on James315.Space… Rudokop Forever wasn’t salty, but he was sorely vexed by the demonspawn Adrian Vexier.

After a glance at Killboard, Rudokop discerned Adrian’s snuggly side.

What if Rudokop’s alt, SIM Gallent, could bait Adrian into elite PvP?

Rudokop was sure he could taunt Adrian into making a mistake. His alt left a mobile depot sitting in open space, and waited nearby with a battleship.

The plan was working…

Adrian was about to take the bait…

There was just one significant problem.

Adrian likes traps. He’s attracted to them!

When another alt attempted to help SIM, Adrian smiled.

Rudokop wasn’t upset, but yet another alt was feeling frustrated.

To be continued…

Thanks for the free isk, bro – Part 2!

Previously on James315.Space… 246624 was a happy bot, enjoying its Mackinaw and Harvester drones. Highsec is a good place for botting, or so 246624 calculated, before its Mackinaw magically disappeared. Where did the Harvester drones go? 246624 was instantly teleported to my wonderful chat channel, known to the EVE community as the greatest content funnel in the galaxy: Why Was I Ganked? Here, the bot appears daily, dutifully processing data and trying to discern reality.

Recently, 246624 receved an input request for 100 million isk, and its programming malfunctioned. Instead of the requested amount, 246624 sent a cool billion isk, and proudly displayed its new mining permit.

Most EVE players don’t consider selling a mining permit. Nobody actually buys those, right? A few gankers sell them for a measly ten million isk, but why stop there? 100 million? A billion? Dear reader, some miners will pay 100 billion, and that’s no joke. I could tell that 246624 was ready to become a nullsec nomad.

I used to work in sales, and I’d have the boys fill semi-trucks with whatever they could toss in. They’d pack crates sideways and wedge them in tight, so you couldn’t even unload, and I definitely sent all that banged up merchandise from when the tower of money collapsed (because illegal Javier backed a forklift into the pyramid). Just read the contract closely friend, and good luck getting your stuff out of the truck, before the driver charges overtime. I guess it was all damaged in shipping? Just file a claim, friend, we’ll get that taken care of right away! I really appreciate your business, friend, it’s been a real pleasure! People would be calling in crying, got the wrong item, so sad, wrong color, wrong size, doesn’t work, paid way too much. Friend, that’s how it’s done! Please hold. Always!

246624 was confused. Why would anyone want to hurt a bot? However, I like to play fair, and made sure that 246624 knew exactly who it was talking to. Look, I’ve been yapping for nine years about this whole New Order thing, but some miners just aren’t willing to pay attention. That’s not my fault, friend. I kindly linked my coronation speech. Turn up the volume and listen closely, there’s a hidden message!

I even showed 246624 the EVE learning curve. I’m up here bulldozing miners, and crucifying them in the name of James. Are you a miner?

Unfortunately (or perhaps, fortunately, depending on one’s perspective), the bot simply could not compute these cold equations. All it really wanted was to use excavator drones in Highsec. Wouldn’t that be nice?

It was time to start playing EVE, and 246624 was in for a treat.

The Mackinaw is fully fitted, right? Of course, friend! I would never gouge a bot.

Here, friend, have a Maller! I’m happy to help.

I wanted to sell a stack of drones for 3 billion, but 246624 was running out of money, for some mysteriously inexplicable reason.

I had to do some quick math… 400 million?

In a spooky space channel, I admitted that my success in EVE is utterly surreal.

246624 got the Mackinaw, but something was apparently wrong.

I wanted to help, but what happened?

Is there a terrorist cult in EVE Online?

We must defeat the evildoers!

246624 was inspired by her Princess.

All miners must rally to the orange banner!

Bots are lucky to have powerful friends in Highsec.

To be continued…

Stark Raving Mad, Part 6

Stark Raving Mad, Part 1

Previously on James315.Space… VictorStark Stark and his alt Lilliana Lestrange enjoyed karaoke night, with James 315 and his kickboxing supermodel girlfriend, Aiko Danuja. Victor was impressed to meet the charming head of the mighty CODE. alliance, and was not in the least surprised to learn that Aiko is a real-life princess with an ironclad claim to the Holy Roman Empire. Like any reasonable person, he happily turned over all his isk and assets, even trading skill injectors for skill extractors.

As we saw in Highsec Miner Grab Bag #208, Victor wasn’t an ideal candidate to serve as the successor to James. Nevertheless, James was planning to pass away, and willing to consider trading the alliance to Victor. The interview seemed to go well, and Victor committed himself to the Oath of Poverty. Unfortunately, things took an awkward turn, when Victor failed to show full faith. Elite NOL director Super Perforator encouraged Victor to proceed with his application to CODE. and accept appointment as executor of the alliance, but Victor was focused only on petty pecuniary interests.

Meanwhile, Lilliana was jealous that her main trusted Aiko more than his own alt.

It soon became clear that James might blue pen an alternative candidate.

Victor realized, too late, that Aiko wanted the alliance for herself.

That shameless blue digger cast a spell on James!

Lilliana vented her frustration at everyone in Audaerne.

Anyone might be a Danuja alt…

Fortunately, Lilliana wasn’t salty.

Capsuleers heard a MinerBumping episode was being filmed, and traveled from across the galaxy, with dreams of being cast as an extra.

The conversation encouraged a vibrant discussion of game mechanics.

Eventually, it was a wrap. Everyone got what they wanted, but they naturally hoped Lilliana might return for an encore.

Unfortunately, Lilliana no longer wished to speak with anyone.

She appeared quite mad, cackling hysterically in the middle of nowhere.

Although Aiko was blocked, mysterious strangers let the Princess know that Victor was thinking of her. Might he return for another episode?

To be continued…

Drep Vikunnar

Kills of the Week Before

Here are some bera that got obliterated between September 6 @ 00:00 EVEtime and August 12 @ 23:59 EVEtime. Haha, just kidding, time doesn’t go backwards.

***

Dart Zannah had a Nightmare, and woke up shivering. It turns out the Nordwind is approaching Hek, and it’s awful cold in space.

***

Alex Jefferson was glad Hulkageddon is over, warping to the belt with all haste, but unfortunately he didn’t have room in his cargo for a mining permit. The Tactical Narcotics Team is proud to enforce CODE. compliance.

***

Isogren Faith Ronuken loved her little salvage retriever. Alas, false faith led her astray, and she encountered a purple ball of TNT.

***

Shadow Uzumaki Jr wanted to try everything EVE has to offer. Whadda Badasaz and Lavish DeGankar suggested Shadow stop mining and try dunking battleships.

***

Ares PK was into Death by dying, and got his wish. PogChampion, Bob Welder, big brutor two, and Loota’Plex are good boys.

***

When Akasha Thorne isn’t giving me three fortizars, she is forcing everyone in her alliance to embrace total CODE. compliance. It’s the law!

Taylor accepted judgment with grace and dignity, unlike so many carebears.

When Princess Aiko demands feudal subservience, she doesn’t just want you to turn over all assets (including three fortizars). She also expects the vassal levy.

***

BONUS: The New Eden Police Force has declared CODE. to be the “most wanted” group in the galaxy. It’s true. A lot of people truly love us, and I’m sure you will enjoy the Anti-Ganking Security Guide.

I offered to edit their website, but they couldn’t afford to pay me. Remember, if you need help with grammar and spelling, contact a CODE. agent today!

***

DOUBLE BONUS: Zane Arnolles encourages everyone to watch this informative video, which (now that James is dead) appears more relevant than ever. It’s a decent introduction, although it fails to discuss how our Princess managed to seduce the Byzantine emperor and thereby turned him into a loyal simp.

Taking out the Trash

Listening to: Tripping with the Ducktators

When an attractive girl is popular with boys, it’s not uncommon for jealous rivals and incel betas to scrawl scandalous things about her, on the powder room wall. Recently, I was in the armory polishing an especially large gun, when I noticed something similar written on the bulkhead. Directly under a sign that said, “WARNING: ACTIVE NEUTRON FIELD!” someone wrote a most shocking claim, “NOL IS TRASH!”

I fondly remember the ten days I spent in New Order Logistics, during which I enjoyed hanging out with Currin Trading in a ritzy Perimeter saloon. He spent a lot of time teaching me all about market hedge funds, and generously invested in my lucrative Ponzi scheme. So how could someone think that a fine corporation, led by such an upstanding businessman, is nothing more than ‘trash’? Either they are jealous, or perhaps they have New Order Logistics confused with New Order Logistic?

***

This is trash.

***

This is taking out the trash.

***

When people think of New Order Logistics, they perhaps most often remember John E Normus. Indeed, he was a great quarterback for the team, but I’ve personally been quite impressed by someone called Guybertini. He often works deep behind enemy lines, operating far from the overflowing depots of Isanamo and Uedama. When he drops another Naga upon some sleepy miner, I gasp every single time.